


The Neighbours

by Droneshard



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: AU, AU TRIPLETS, Bathroom Sex, Ben is cocky, Blow Job, Camping, College, Cunilingus, Edging, F/M, Halloween, Haunted Houses, Hurt/Comfort, Hux is Not Nice, Kylo is pissy, Matt is a sweet angel, Minor Finnrey, Minor Kylux, Modern AU, Multi, Praise Kink, Public Sex, Sibling Rivalry, Smut, Solo triplets, Star Wars AU, anger issues, depressed RC, exhibition, fluff for days, reader cries a lot I'm sorry that's how it is, slow to start, that kylo ren is shredded, the feel train, the feels you never intended to want, they will fight to the death, thirst order confessions, this will become smutty very fast after setup
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-07-10 20:26:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 84,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7005109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Droneshard/pseuds/Droneshard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate Universe solo triplets (Matt, Kylo and Ben).</p><p>When you move back into your childhood home to attend college you were worried about the loneliness you'd soon be forced to endure. Your father was rarely home, your childhood friends no longer in contact, and a new chapter of your life opening before your eyes. Little did you know you'd find comfort in three troublemakers.</p><p>*Based on Thirst Order Confessions characterization of the 'triplets'*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Comin' Home

Moving half way across the country for college wasn’t the easiest decision you’d ever made. The pill only slightly easier to swallow by moving back in with your father. It wasn’t an idea you were necessarily fond of but he spent so much time away from home you’d be doing him a favor by moving in. You knew the house; you’d lived there until you were ten years old and part of you missed it. But the friends you’d had when you were still a kid lost contact and you were unsure if they had left the city in the years since.

You were nearly there now, you’d broken city limits twenty minutes ago and only had a five minute drive until you could stretch your aching legs. Your tiny VW Golf had been stuffed to the brim with your belongings; you’d brought more than you needed Dad ensured but you weren’t risking waiting a full week until he was home to sort out anything missing. At least Alfred would be there to greet you – not that you’d ever met Dad’s black and white feline as of yet.

The closer to your destination you were the more anxious you became. This was a new chapter for you. College, living apart from your mom, and maybe you’d finally meet someone. You grimaced out of the windshield adjusting your sunglasses, avoiding the thought. You hadn’t been in a relationship since you graduated three years ago and with how busy you’d be in a months’ time you doubted you’d find one now.

Tapping your thumbs on the steering wheel you waited for the light to change. You glanced up in your rear view mirror to see the motorcycle that was practically stopped against your bumper. Rolling your eyes you accelerated as the light changed. You’d barely began to speed up as the motorcycle cut in front of you forcing you to slam on the breaks to keep from ramming into them, swerving dangerously close to oncoming traffic. Slamming down on the horn the driver glanced back at you before bolting down the road away from you far above the speed limit. _Idiot_ you frowned pulling up to the next set of lights and turning right.

Two blocks away you stopped in front of the lonely looking house only to find the drive way had been blocked by the very same motorcycle that had cut you off.  Typical. You parked directly behind it, keen on speaking a few less than kind words when the driver decided to come back for it.

Dragging yourself from the vehicle you stared up at the building from over the roof of your car. A smile breaking at the corner of your lips as you thought of your years growing up here. With those thoughts in mind you grabbed the few things you’d need right away before shuffling your way up the steps. Dad had left the keys for you under the welcome mat just as he’d promised and you nearly dropped what you were carrying as you retrieved it.

Alfred met you inside, he jumped up on the stand beside the door, already meowing softly. Placing your things on the floor you kicked shut the door and leaned forward to pet him. He brushed against you purring loudly making you laugh quietly to yourself. “I think we’ll get along just fine, buddy,” you scratched beneath his chin before slipping off your shoes to roam the house.

Very little had changed. Same over stuffed green sofa, the refrigerator buzzing as if it was on its last leg, and the fountain in the backyard still needed repair. Alfred followed you as you walked from room to room, constantly on your heels.

Your room however had changed the most. The walls were still the ghastly bright yellow you had picked out when you were six and the ladybug curtains still hung over the window. But the room felt so small compared to how it used to. Dad had set up a temporary futon in the corner until he had time to get you a real bed. The walls were bare and the closet gaped open to show its bare bones. You stood in the center feeling out of place. This was really your old room?

Feeling cramped you pulled back the curtains and opened the window. You had a nice view of the backyard from here. There was enough of a ledge that Alfred squeezed past you to sit on it. You stroked his fur while gazing out past him. The fence conjoining you to your neighbor’s house was lower than most and you could see the back of two men’s heads and hear them laughing from where you stood. “Come on Alfred,” you muttered picking him up and placing him on the floor as you trudged outside to start bringing your things in.

The motorcycle had moved from in front of the driveway and you pulled up closer to the house to lessen the distance. Too bad you’d missed your chance to cuss the driver out. Not that you should really be making enemies this early in the game.

After taking in half of the car’s contents you stopped in the kitchen for a break. To your dismay the fridge was empty. You should have figured as much. You could go out and get groceries with the money Dad had left you on the counter but you still had to finish unpacking the car before there was room in the trunk for anything. Your stomach growled at you and you sat at the table thumbing through the restaurant menu’s that had been left beside the envelope of cash.

Your phone vibrated in your pocket and you fished it out to see an email from your mom. Groaning internally you opened it.  You read the email out loud to Alfred who was brushing against your legs under the table. “I know you’re busy unpacking and getting yourself set up. I’m extremely proud of you and of course worried so I made a few calls and it turns out you still have some childhood friends in the area. Go next door, I already told Leia to expect you. Love, mom,” you groaned dropping your phone onto the table. Of course she’d called around. It’s not like she could trust you to be on your own for more than four days at a time even when she was on the other side of the country.

 _Leia_ , why did that name sound so familiar? You walked back to your room, leaning against the window ledge and out into the conjoining back yard. _They couldn’t still live next door_. Your chest seized as you saw a head of dark hair walk out of their back door and quickly ducked away from the window. _They can’t see you, you idiot!_ You peaked back out at the man as he headed into the garage, the door closing behind him.

Anxiety was gripping inside of you. You hadn’t thought that after all these years they’d still live next door; the triplets. They’d been the ones you’d missed the most after you moved away to live with Mom. They wouldn’t even recognize you now just as you were sure you wouldn’t recognize them. Except back then they had been completely identical and perhaps they still were.

Reading over the email again you bit at the inside of your cheek. The curiosity killing you. Either way you’d have to make your way over otherwise you’d never hear the end of it. Quickly combing your fingers through your hair you slipped back on your shoes, pocketed your keys and marched next door.

It took a full minute for you to work the courage up enough to knock.  Your stomach was wringing itself uncontrollably as you let your nerves get the best of you. You waited two minutes with no answer before you knocked again, this time harder. The door opened, a tall blonde haired man with glasses gazing over you curiously. “I-I’m so sorry I must have the wrong house,” you stammered embarrassed moving to retreat back down the steps. You paused, biting hard at your bottom lip before turning to look back up at him, “Leia doesn’t live here by any chance does she?”

His smile was warm, genuine as he motioned you inside. “She’s just in the kitchen,” he mumbled as you hurried to kick your shoes off to follow him. Not that you needed him as a guide; you knew this house just as well as your own. You shoved your hands down in your pockets as you followed him.

Leia was sitting at the kitchen table with a book perched under her nose which she put down as you entered. “I was hoping you’d drop by,” she stood enveloping you in a tight hug that you returned just as eagerly. All the anxiety in you melting as she held you in her arms. “You’ve grown so much! Almost as much as my boys.”

You blushed as she released you and sat in the chair next to her. “I didn’t know you all still lived here,” you admitted with a laugh, gazing around the kitchen before settling back on her. “Not that I’d recognize the guys if I saw them, it’s been so long.”

Leia nodded with a smile, placing her hand on yours. “You already saw one of them,” she motioned back to where the blonde had retreated down the hall. You swiveled in your seat after him causing Leia to laugh. “If you stay with us for supper you’ll be able to see them all, I know your father has been out of town for a couple weeks already.”

You heart ached at the gesture. She’d always been a second mother to you and even after all this time she was still looking out for you.  “Thank you,” you leant forward and hugged her a second time. You’d forgotten just how much you’d missed her. “Are they all blonde now?” you frowned thinking of the two darker haired men you’d seen earlier.

She shook her head, her hair unraveling slightly from the braid at the back of her head. “No, just the one,” she winked not giving you any clue as to which one of her three sons it could have been. You were itching to find out. You hadn’t seen them in so long and the anticipation was eating you inside out. “I thought I’d leave the surprise up to you, after all the four of you had been as thick as thieves,” she gave your hand another squeeze before picking back up her book. “First bedroom to the left; they’ll all be happy to know you’re living next door again.”

“Don’t be shy,” she added as you stood from your seat and skirted at the edge of the kitchen. Your heart hammering loudly in your ears as you made your way down the hall towards the closed door. What if they didn’t remember you? What if they didn’t care? You stood just outside the door rocking on your heels. Would you even know which brother was which after so long – you used to be able to tell them apart without even a thought.

Before you completely lost your nerve you rapped softly on the door. “Come in,” you heard muffled from the other side. Your palm was slick on the handle as you turned it and pushed the door open, peaking your head in before the rest of your body followed.

He was hunched over a desk at the back of the room, surrounded by stacks of books – on the desk, on the floor, some shoved haphazardly in shelves. As you crept towards him the titles began to stand out. Most of them were comics but some novels were mixed in. He hadn’t turned around to see you so you cleared your throat softly before speaking as not to startle him, “I didn’t know you were so into comics.” _So into comics? You couldn’t come up with anything better than that?_

He turned in his seat to face you and you were suddenly aware of your reddening cheeks. You were beginning to wish you had stayed in the kitchen with Leia. You still had no idea which of the three brothers this was. “Yeah, I draw my own now, want to see?” he moved his chair to the side so you could stand next to him. “They’re nothing much,” he shrugged as you flipped through the few sketches he had already started.

“They’re incredible,” you stated glancing back at him. A smile crept onto his lips and he pushed his glasses further up his nose. You observed him for a moment, leaning back against his desk, probably making him nervous with your stare. “Matt… you’re Matt aren’t you?” you asked shyly.

He raised an eyebrow as if that was the simplest observation in the world. “That would be me,” his laugh was light, not directed at you but joining the small nervous one you had made.

“I’m sorry, I must sound like an idiot,” you rubbed your elbow, stepping back away from his desk. Suddenly aware that he must have no clue who you were.

Your name sounded sweet coming off of his lips and you turned towards him embarrassed. “When I overheard Mom mentioning you were moving back in next door I wasn’t entirely sure it was you when I answered the door,” his brown eyes held onto your face as he stood and pulled you into a tight hug.

“I didn’t expect you to be blonde!” you stammered hugging him back. Your nerves finally settling as you clung tighter to him. Finding the place between his arms to feel as safe as it had always been. You were hesitant in letting go, sure that he would hold you for as long as you pleased. Forcing yourself to pull away you backed up so that his form wasn’t hulking over you and you no longer had to crane your neck. “God you’re tall Matty – are you all bean stalks now or something?” you stood on your tip toes next to him trying to get a grip on how tall he was now.

He laughed nodding, “we’re all about the same height, Kylo will be happy he’s taller than you now.” He motioned you to take a seat on his bed and he scooted his chair over, straddling it backwards to talk to you.

You were both interrupted by a knock at the door as Leia entered. “There’s an emergency at the office and I have to take off for a bit,” she sounded tired. “I left some cash on the table for you all to order something - I’m sorry I can’t stick around.” Her apology was directed at you.

“Oh, no it’s okay! I should really get home and start unloading my car anyways,” you shrugged feeling suddenly disappointed.

Leia frowned, “Matt make sure she eats something, I’ll be home late – don’t be a stranger you are always welcome here.” With a wink she was out of the door leaving you both alone.

“Come on, I’ll help you bring your things in and when Kylo and Ben get home we’ll figure out what to order,” Matt was already standing from his seat and cleaning up the sketches on his desk.  

“You don’t have to help me Matty, or feed me, really,” you stood from his bed gripping your elbows.

He turned, placing his hands on your shoulders, his face close to yours. Your breath hitched as you gazed up into his large doe eyes. A warm heat settling in your gut. “Come on, you don’t really think I’d let you do all that heavy lifting and go hungry do you?” his tone was sincere as he placed a hand on your back, turning you and marching you out of his room.

You were glad he couldn’t see the red flush of your cheeks as you led the way back to your car. He refused to let you help bring anything in and instead sent you to open the door so that he could begin piling everything in the front entrance. Alfred had mysteriously disappeared and you were starting to worry he would slip through the open front door when you weren’t looking. Skirting away from the door you began to search for him when you heard soft meowing from the kitchen. “Alfred, what are you doing?” you called for him as you marched into the kitchen.

He was sitting on the counter, his paw outstretched against the chest of the man leant over petting him. “What are you doing in my house?” you hissed taking a step back suddenly on high alert. You could hear Matt heading back down the steps to retrieve another load. You took a second step back readying to yell for him.

“Your house?” the man scoffed, brushing his dark curls away from his face. Alfred continued to meow at him as he turned his attention to you. You could have fallen into those brown eyes as he gazed over you. His jaw tensing as your eyes locked.

“You are aware that trespassing is a crime,” you growled bravely. Hovering in the doorway of the kitchen, prepared to sprint back down the hall if you needed to.

The man took out a single key, setting it on the counter beside Alfred. “It’s not trespassing if you’re given a key,” he countered. “Who would that make you then?” there was a glint in his eyes you couldn’t quite read.

Matt called your name from the front door and you yelled back for him. The man’s eyes widened. Matt was at your side in a matter of seconds, taking in your anxious expression as he looked past you into the kitchen. “Really Kylo? I told you I’d check on Alfred today,” he frowned slipping past you to scratch at Alfred’s chin from his perch on the counter.

“Wait, Kylo?” you parroted dumbly as you stared at the man beside Matt. On reflection besides the hair and glasses they were still as identical as they used to be. But you hadn’t expected to see him in the middle of your kitchen without warning, it had taken you off guard.

“Your dad asked us to take care of Alfred until he came back so Kylo and I take turns checking on him,” Matt grinned picking Alfred up and holding him against his chest. Alfred purred loudly, brushing his cheek against Matt’s chin.

“Oh – uh sorry,” you were sure your face couldn’t have been a brighter shade of red. “Y-you just surprised me is all.” You wished you could have shrunk out of sight.

Kylo was now sporting a sly grin as he watched over you. “I didn’t recognize you now that you’re so short,” he teased lightly. The warm heat was spreading over your entire body as the two leaned against the counter snickering at your expense.

“Shut up,” you grumbled crossing your arms tightly across your chest. “Could probably still kick your ass, Kylie.”

Kylo groaned hearing the old nickname, “Please don’t bring that back, I just got Ben to stop calling me that last year.” His smile was warm as he brushed a few strands of hair behind his ear.

There was a twinge in your heart as you watched them both. You didn’t know it was possible to miss someone so much when they were standing right in front of you. With a grin and a sigh you stumbled forward wrapping your arms tightly around Kylo. He seemed taken a back for a moment before he held you tightly against him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call or- well anything,” you mumbled against his chest. He gave you a squeeze before letting you go and you glanced from him to Matt shyly. “I missed you guys so much,” you bit at your lip as the guilt started to settle in the cracks. Wondering if they would even want you in their lives. You fidgeted at the hem of your shirt nervously.

“We missed you too,” Matt admitted and Kylo nodded in agreement. Matt set Alfred back down on the counter and he mewled in retort. “Come on, Ben should be home soon, I’m pretty sure I got everything out of your car.”

Matt led the three of you back outside and you locked the door behind you. You waved the boys ahead of you and checked to make sure your car had been completely emptied of your belongings. You stood there with the door open a moment, clutching to the frame as your mind drifted off with you. In front of you were the memories of your childhood – braiding Kylo’s hair on the front step, sword fighting with Ben, and climbing the oak tree out front with Matt. They were times you thought about often but now they were hitting you hard in ways you hadn’t expected. The boys had grown up and so had you; you almost wished you could be ten again, wrestling with the three of them in the mud and getting scolded for tracking dirt into the house.

A deafening growl snapped you from your reminiscing and you spun on your heel. The motorcycle engine rumbling before being cut short. He’d parked right in front of your driveway for the second time and you weren’t having any of it. Slamming closed your car door, you ground your teeth as you stalked towards them. Standing directly in front of them so that they’d have no choice but to notice you or walk right into you. “Hey buddy,” you placed your hands on your hips as you stared up into the darkened visor of their helmet. Their head tilted down and you knew they were now focused on you. “You’ve got a lot of nerve – you drive like a jackass and then park in front of someone’s driveway?” you knew your voice was rising loudly, practically yelling. Already knowing  you were taking this too personally.

The driver reached under their chin and began unbuckling their helmet. You remained rooted before them, adamant on settling this now. Their leather gloves gripped onto the charcoal helmet, sliding it up and over their head. You let out a short breath, the pavement now seeming more interesting. They cradled their helmet at their side, eyes skimming against your skin. You peaked back up at them shyly, gnawing the inside of your cheek. “Jesus, Ben, stop looking at me like that,” you mumbled under your breath, the fire in your bones extinguished.

He was smirking as he pulled you against him, ruffling your hair as he rest his chin against the top of your head. You gripped onto him, the leather of his jacket warm against your chilled skin. No words were needed. You weren’t sure how he knew but it took you both a minute until you were willing to let go. He held you at an arms distance, remembering each curve of your skin, the look so intimate you tugged away only for him to pull you back against him. His broad chest pressed against you as he held you from behind, laughing as you tried to squirm out of his grip. “Ben!” you squealed finally untangling yourself from him, your cheeks a blaze.

“You think I drive like a jackass?” he winked looping an arm around your shoulders and leading you over to the house where Matt and Kylo were practically scowling from the door way. They both smiled as you looked their way and you eyed them suspiciously as you squeezed past them and into the house.

Kicking off your shoes you swiveled to glare back at Ben, “you _do_ drive like a jack ass.” He clutched his heart as if wounded before shrugging out of his leather jacket. “How did you know it was me?” you frowned walking away from them towards the kitchen and sitting down cross legged in one of the chairs. The triplets followed you in, Kylo sitting in the seat beside you, Ben across from you, and Matt leant against the sink.

Ben flashed you his most charming smile to which you rolled your eyes, a grin spreading on your lips. “I wouldn’t forget a face like yours,” he purred and received a hard kick under the table. He held up his hands in mock surrender, “Okay, okay, Matt texted me and I came home early.”

“Matt!” you groaned, giving him a sour look. But secretly you were pleased that you could now see the three of them together.

Brimming with happiness; you’d felt incomplete without the trio in your life for so many years at a time. Now you knew you wouldn’t let them go. You looked from Ben, to Kylo, to Matt – three pairs of eyes watching you like a new puppy they’d just brought home.

“So…” you laughed awkwardly, licking at your bottom lip hoping to alieve your suddenly dry mouth. Why were you so nervous around them? You knew the answer but chose to ignore it. The triplets exchanged looks and you frowned, “guys I’m right here stop doing that stupid triplet mind link thing.”

You zeroed in on Matt. He had always been the easiest to crack and you hoped that was still the same. He stared right back at you with an eyebrow raised, arms folded across his chest. So in defeat you focused on Kylo whose face was a blank slate. Ben just grinned giving you a wink. “Oh come on you guys!” you scowled slumping lower in your seat. Already fed up with the thoughts they clearly were not willing to share.

Ben drummed his fingers on the table before pointing at Matt and Kylo, “pizza?” The action serving to relieve some of the awkward tension that had built. He pointed at you repeating his question and you grinned shyly down into your lap half melting as he wiggled his eyebrows and you hid your face behind your hands groaning. Willing the deep blush on your cheeks to stop giving into his boyish charm.

“Knock it off,” Kylo rolled his eyes leaning forward on the table and pulling out his phone. Tapping away at the screen ignoring Ben who scowled back at him and instead motioned over to Matt who was fishing his phone out of his pocket.

“What do you want?” Matt glanced up at his phone at the three of you. Kylo and Ben both barked their demands in unison causing Matt to sigh. “I know what you idiots want, I want to know what _she_ wants,” he gazed over at you patiently, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. He motioned you over and you slunk from your chair to scroll through the options displayed on the screen in his palm. Leaning in close enough that you could feel the heat radiating from his body. You tapped your selection glancing up at him shyly and he nodded before adding what the rest of them would want. “Half hour minimum,” he chirped tucking the phone back into his pocket, his thumbs resting on the rims of his jean pockets.

Kylo swiveled in his chair calling you over to him. You let out a huff of air through your nostrils; just like when you were kids. You leaned against the back of his chair as he placed his phone into your hands. The screen already half filled with your contact information, the cursor waiting for you to input your phone number. You bit back the smirk playing at your lips as you typed it in before handing it back to him. Your hands placed against each other’s for moments until you drew away and perched back in your seat.

Eyes drawn around the kitchen rather than focusing on the three men trying hard to look distracted. You could still remember when their terrible macaroni art had decorated the fridge.  Ben had glued macaroni in your hair and Kylo had dumped the container of glitter on you while Matt fought to clean you off before presenting you to Leia who was left to fuss over you with Matt’s assistance. The four of you were certainly a hand full, no wonder your mother was eager to part ways before the hormones kicked in. And oh how they had certainly kicked in. You couldn’t help stealing glances at the three of them. Each had grown to a beauty you couldn’t quite place your finger on.

A hand was slithering down your side and you jolted to attention, twisting in your seat as Ben leant over you, snatching your phone from your pocket. As you went to grab it back he skirted over to the other side of the kitchen. Furiously punching in codes trying to unlock your password as you bolted after him to retrieve it. “I’ll give it back just tell me your password,” he laughed holding it above your head. Your arms too short to reach for it as you leant up on your toes, fingers just grazing the bottom before he shot it up higher.

Taking pity on you Matt snatched it from Ben, presenting it back to you. “Thanks Matty,” you glared at Ben holding it protectively in your grasp. It buzzed in your hand, an unknown number flashing on the screen. Probably Kylo you figured glancing over your shoulder as he slunk from the room. Heaving a sigh watching him leave, hoping you hadn’t done something to cause his sudden exit.

“I just wanted to put my number in,” Ben teased reaching back out for it and you took a defensive step back knowing he’d make you clamber for it again. “Why don’t you trust me?”

You gave a short laugh, eyeing him up. “Ben you’re still the same kid that glued macaroni in my hair when we were six,” you scolded unlocking your phone to read the message. _Going for a shower knock on the door if pizza comes before I’m done – Kylo._ Well at least you could figure he hadn’t left because of you. It wasn’t as if he had expected to have you milling around his kitchen today. Only Matt seemed to have known. You quickly added Kylo’s number to your contacts under _Kylie_ before adding a space for a new contact and handing it over to Matt.

“He’d probably still do that,” Matt snickered typing into your phone. Ben sent him a scowl crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ll put in Ben’s too since he obviously can’t be trusted,” you murmured a thanks catching the way Ben was grinding his jaw before he caught your eyes on him and his mouth twisted into a smirk. He handed you back your phone before checking the time of his watch despite having just seen the time on the front screen of your phone. His large hands readjusting his glasses that kept sliding down his nose.

Distractedly cracking your knuckles you stared down at your hands for something to do. Wishing silently that Leia was still here, at least she would usher you all out of the kitchen. It was so odd to think you’d been in this same kitchen finger painting; it always ending in the paint flying and someone getting a bath of blue and red as soon as one of you got bored. Now you all struggled to resist the urge to hide behind the screens of your phone to avoid what the gap of your absence had robbed you of.

You drummed your toes on the floor before glancing up at both Matt and Ben, their gazes both meeting yours head on. You cleared your throat awkwardly, wincing at how loud it came out. “Are you guys going to college or anything?” the question came out awkward and you hated yourself for having to grasp at straws.

“We all are,” Matt beamed proudly. “Same college as you as it turns out, have you registered for classes yet?”

You shook your head with a sigh. “The move has taken up most of my time, I figure I should tomorrow,” you gave a shrug and both men nodded in understanding.

Ben reached forward, an arm around your shoulders. Pulling you into his side with a grin. “You could come over tomorrow and we’ll help you out?” you hardly needed their help but you nodded in agreement not wanting to spend the day alone.

“Thanks, I will, just have to pick up some groceries and unpack,” you frowned thinking of the chores you’d have to do tomorrow. You hated grocery shopping. The city felt brand new and fighting your GPS around would slowly become the bane of your existence.

Matt rest a hand on your shoulder turning your attention to him, “if you need a hand with groceries or anything really, I’m free all week.” Your heart was a melted puddle in your ribcage. He was still such a sweet boy, you were grateful he hadn’t grown out of that. You reached up and gave his hand a thankful squeeze.

There was a loud rap at the door. Had it already been half an hour? Matt rushed to the door leaving the cash Leia had left for them on the counter as he fished out his wallet. Ben followed him and you strayed down the hallway to the bathroom. Knocking hard on the door and calling out for Kylo. The door swung open and you staggered backwards. “Pizza’s here?” he watched your gaping mouth seal shut as you nodded, unable to advert your eyes. He was standing with a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair dripping down his shoulders and chest. God, he was more toned than you had expected. He reached forward tilting your chin up, “my eyes are up here princess.” He gave you a wink before brushing past you and closing the door to his room behind him; it was the last room at the end of the hall.

You swallowed the saliva pooling under your tongue, face flushed as you stared back at the closed door. It was easy to say you were rooted to the carpet, still standing there even as he emerged back into the hall, to your disappointment, fully clothed. He chuckled as he brushed past you, tugging the hood of his sweater up over his wet hair and you trailed after him helplessly. Sitting in the only free spot in the living room; smack dab between Matt and Kylo who were already greedily tugging the steaming pizza from the boxes not bothering to use plates.

Under the triplets glances you found your appetite lost. Already too roweled up from today’s events. You picked at your food with little interest, curling back into a ball on the couch as both Kylo and Matt lounged out beside you. Their elbows and thighs pressing against you in what you guessed was an act of dominance against each other. Matt’s arm draping behind you, Kylo’s leg practically in your lap. Ben was watching you enviously from the chair across from you, perhaps wishing he had chosen a better seat. You wished you could have switched him for the chair. The heat constantly growing in your cheeks as both men pushed closer.

After you’d all eaten (you’d picked away at one piece and Matt was adamant that he’d be sending you home with the rest) you reluctantly prepared to head back home. Promising Matt that you’d come over in the morning and he’d take you to get groceries, no longer willing to protest the offer any longer. Happy that you wouldn’t be stuck alone in the house all day.

Ben was the first out of his seat pulling you into a suffocating embrace. His chin resting against your temple as he held you close. You’d had to tug out of his hold otherwise you doubted he’d have let you go. Next you turned to Kylo, who was grinning as your face turned scarlet before you were hiding your embarrassment into his chest. Wondering if he’d ever let you live down your wandering eyes.

Matt walked you home despite your protests. Taking the pizza box with him to assure you wouldn’t forget it. He followed you inside depositing the food in the fridge before pulling you against his chest. His arms wrapping tightly around your shoulders. You held him back just as tight. Without his brother’s eyes on you both you embraced for much longer than you might have. You walked him back to the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow Matty.” His smile was bright as you closed the door behind him.

You stumbled back to your room, crawling under your covers with your clothes still on. You’d unpack tomorrow. Right now you needed to sleep. Rolling over onto your side you stared at the wall. At least you still had them. Despite shivering under these thin covers and missing the comfort of your bed instead of this lumpy futon you found you were in fact over joyed. Because you’d found a piece of you that had been missing for years. Having the triplets back in your life was making you whole again.


	2. Can't Get You Out Of My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After reuniting with the triplets the day previous you take up Matt on his offer to go grocery shopping. Who knew at the end of the day between him and Kylo you'd be left with so many unanswered questions.

Waking up brought you to a spacey haze. The yellow walls of your room blinding you with the sun reflecting in from the open window that had brought in a chill. You peeled yourself from the futon; already fed up with the thing after a single night of its’ yowling springs under the weight of your body. The warm spot curled on your ankle moved to brush himself against your chin meowing attentively. Alfred’s whiskers tickling your nose as you scratched behind his ears, laying your head back into your pillow. A hand reaching out to grasp your phone off of the nightstand.

Two unanswered texts waited for you. The first was from Ben telling you he was glad to have gotten to see you, sent at two am. The second was from Matt at the crisp hour of six am telling you to come over whenever you were awake. Kylo must have given them your number you figured as you texted back Matt telling him you’d be over soon.

With a yawn you crawled out of bed and busied yourself with clawing through one of several boxes labeled ‘clothing.’ You’d unpack more after grocery shopping you assured yourself, throwing on the first shirt and pair of shorts you came across. Taking little care in matching your outfit; as if Matt would care what you wore to buy groceries. You stopped in the kitchen to feed Alfred and to dig the pizza box out of the fridge. Without the triplets unnerving you your appetite had returned full force and you ate half the remaining pizza before shoving it back in the fridge. Not the most nutritious breakfast but it would hold you over until after groceries.

Checking your phone again quick to see that Matt had not replied. Giving a shrug you slipped the cash you’d been left into your wallet and pocketed your keys with phone in hand; closing the front door behind you. Ben’s motorcycle wasn’t parked out front and you wondered how you’d slept through him riding off.

It was Kylo who answered the front door as you knocked. His long hair had been pulled into a bun at the back of his head. His hoodie hanging open to expose his bare chest and his pajama pants hung low on his hips. “Morning Kylie,” you smirked brushing past him earning a grumble as he closed the door behind you both.

“If you’re going to be here every day Matt and Ben will share a room for you to move in,” he grunted with a yawn brushing the sleep from his eyes. You frowned elbowing him lightly in the side and he chuckled before heading into the kitchen. You followed him having nothing better to do. “Matt’s in his room,” he motioned back down the hall and you gave a shrug as you sent him another text.

“I’d rather bug you though, you’re still so grumpy in the morning,” you teased settling back against the counter as he pulled a bowl down from the cupboard beside you. Glaring at you as he poured coco puffs into his bowl. “Very nutritious,” you pointed out as he reached into the fridge for milk.

Kylo shrugged bringing the bowl to the table and slumping down in his seat. “Coming from the girl who no doubt had pizza for breakfast,” he muttered taking a mouthful of cereal and chewing loudly. “Don’t just stare at me, sit down or something.”

You sat down next to him propping your feet up on the side of his thigh. He rolled his eyes but didn’t push you off so you remained in the position. Your elbow resting on the edge of the table, trying your best not to stare at him and instead taking out your phone to make yourself seem occupied. Though after a minute of fiddling with it you had resolved to observe him instead, your phone now dormant in your palm. The hair in his make-shift bun had begun to spill down back onto his shoulders, circling his head much like a dark halo. His free hand drummed absent minded on the table beside him, each finger both longer and wider than your own. Brown eyes were downcast into his cereal, eyelashes batting the tops of his cheeks with each blink as he shoveled the food into his mouth on autopilot. How was this Kylo, the same Kylo that used to braid your hair when you were eight?

“Do you remember the time Ben got stuck on the garage roof?” his voice was soft and if he hadn’t turned to meet your eyes you may not have heard him.

You nodded, a grin playing on your lips. “Of course I do, I broke my leg trying to jump from the tree onto the roof,” you covered your face remembering it; the garage had been at least five meters from the tree. “I thought it was so much closer. Both you and Matt told me not to but that meant I had to at least try. Man Leia chewed us out for that one, all the way to the hospital too.”

“Yet she forgot Ben on the roof in the process,” Kylo shook his head with a laugh. Ben had later climbed down onto the fence and jumped to the ground unharmed. You’d been the one to suffer a broken leg that felt as if the cast had been on for years all because he was too chicken to jump down in the first place. Great thinking on your part; after that you had steered clear from heights.

Matt’s head poked around the corner and you perked up, dropping your feet from Kylo’s thigh as if you’d been caught in the act of something. As if spending time with his older brother was anything wrong but you bolted out of your chair guiltily. “Hey,” you cleared your throat hovering at the kitchen table.

 “Ready to go?” Matt already had his keys in hand, his eyebrow raised. You nodded and gave Kylo’s hair a quick ruffle before walking over to him. “I take it you wouldn’t like to join us?” he frowned over at Kylo who had lowered himself mere inches from his bowl. Kylo huffed into his next bite shaking his head to confirm Matt’s statement.

 “He’s grumpy,” you winked over at Kylo who had glanced up over at you with a glare. Your hands already tugging at Matt to be up and out the door. “Are we taking my car or-“you paused not knowing if Matt even drove. In response he tugged you around back to the garage. Both vehicles seemed far from the budget of someone in college. A red mustang convertible and a black jeep wrangler sat side by side. They made your dated VW Golf seem like a rust bucket in comparison.

Noticing your confused expression Matt gently took your elbow and steered you towards the mustang. He held the door open for you and closed it after you had sat down. “Don’t look so surprised, dad races for a living,” he shrugged buckling himself in beside you and flicking the garage door open from the device clipped to the visor above him.

Han Solo had been racing since before you could even remember. He had made it big in both Nascar and drag racing in his youth, continuing to mentor younger generations when his career had come to an end. He had nearly been a figment of imagination when you were young; you’d seen him sparsely through the years. “Do you see him much?” the question made Matt shift awkwardly in his seat and you regretted asking almost immediately.

With a sigh Matt gave you a small shrug. “More than when we were kids I suppose but he still works out of town,” he kept his eyes on the road.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” you mumbled sinking in your seat. If anything you had a knack for making a situation uncomfortable. That wasn’t a vibe Matt was throwing off however and he placed a hand on your knee giving you a small squeeze. “My dad won’t be around much either but I think that’s a blessing really,” you muttered this more to yourself than anything.

Matt nodded in understanding. You both knew what it was like to have a father that was hardly around. Unlike your mother however, Leia seemed to be much the same as Han. You knew she worked for the government and her work kept her busy above all else. The brothers really only had each other for day to day company. “We’re here,” he broke you from your thoughts as he unbuckled and closed his door behind him, walking around the car and holding the door open for you to exit. You murmured a quick thanks before following him into the store.

Normally it had been you pushing around the cart while your mother threw in the contents rendering your mind blank with the gossip of the week. It had never been an enjoyable experience listening to her prattle on loud enough for half the store to hear her. Asking you personal questions loudly as you leaned over the cart feigning death, wishing you could have waited in the car. Shopping with Matt however was nothing like that. He steered the cart as you glided around him dumping what you deemed sufficient into it. Allowing you to chat on about living with your mother, his eyes following you as you went, cracking a smile at your complaining (which let’s face it you seemed to be doing a lot of). He didn’t seem to mind at all even as you stared tentatively at the ice cream pales you knew you would take an entire year to finish.

Having Matt at your side took the anxiety out of the experience. You were glad to have him by your side and hoped he wouldn’t mind accompanying you in the future. You’d leaned against him fighting the chill in the dairy aisle when you were approached by a tall athletic blonde. She was watching you cautiously before Matt turned and caught her eye. “Hey Phasma,” he grinned and the air of superiority seemed to deteriorate.

“Long time no see,” she nodded, eyes casting over you for only a moment before her gaze returned to Matt. From around the corner a man nearly half a foot shorter with bright ginger hair joined her side. “There you are,” she scowled at him.

“Matt,” the ginger nodded in greetings before frowning at Phasma from the corner of his eye. “What, no Kylo today?” the snort was rather rude but Matt shrugged with a smile. The meaning passing right over you. The man seemed to finally notice you glued to his side and held out his hand to you, “it seems we haven’t met.” His hand was firm around yours as you shyly gave your name. “Hux, a pleasure.”

Your hand returned to your side, too nervous to reach for Phasma who seemed as if she were above the whole ordeal. Hux was quite striking, dressed neatly in a black suit that would have him sweating in the coming heat; Phasma dressed similarly but with tightly laced combat boots instead of dress shoes. You were starting to feel self-conscious in your mismatched apparel.

“Party at my place this Saturday if you’re interested,” Hux’s gaze held yours and you were back peddling for a refusal. His green eyes boring into you.

“Ben and I will be there as always,” Matt quipped more to you than Hux. You gave a slow nod still unsure if this invitation was even directed your way. “But Kylo…”

“I wouldn’t expect otherwise,” Hux frowned, once again the motion passing over you. “Well, I hope to see you then,” he gave a nod and headed down the aisle with Phasma at his heels. You watched after them curiously. That was an odd interaction if there was any.

“Friends from school,” Matt answered the question you were already brimming to ask. “And you don’t have to go if you don’t want to, Hux’s parties can be rather… well, wild.” So you had been invited after all. “It would be nice if you did though,” he looped his arm around your shoulders and gave a light squeeze. You’d consider it as long as Matt was going.

 

Matt helped you bring in the groceries, excusing himself afterwards – something about Han you didn’t quite catch with his mumbling. He promised to send you a text the next day and to call or come over if you needed anything. You still had to unpack though you were dreading it. Wishing you could have followed Matt home like a lost puppy instead. His presence was so calm and rather endearing. Something that you couldn’t entirely put your finger on but you weren’t eager to label it.

Begrudgingly you began to unpack. Sorting your clothing out in both the dresser and closet. Setting up the few posters and pictures you had with you. Shoving the excess of blankets you had truly felt you could not part with at the bottom of the closet. You had brought much more than you remembered seeing the two full boxes devoted solely to books, another to coats, and a fourth to the valuables that just could not be parted with.

Halfway through the mess you had created you decided to take a break. Wandering back into the kitchen to dig the pizza box out of the fridge. Picking at the toppings as you rest your elbow on the table. Was it considered an emergency if you were bored out of your mind? That might not be a good enough of an excuse to wander back over next door no matter how much you had begun to crave company. Alfred was sleeping somewhere in the house and you hadn’t seen him since you’d left this morning.

Maybe you’d just watch TV to pass the time before you went back to unpacking. Grabbing a bag of chips you threw them onto the coffee table before pausing at the lump formed to your couch. You hadn’t even heard him come in. “Kylo?” you sat down next to him, your back forming against his knees. He perked up at you, brushing his hair back from his face. “Can’t nap at your own house?”  You teased before falling short. He looked upset, angry even.  You reached out a hand and placed it on his arm, giving him a light squeeze. “What’s wrong?”

He shrugged moving his gaze to stare up at the ceiling. “Can we not talk about it?” his voice was gruff but it was not directed towards you. You had the feeling he disappeared here often, using the excuse of taking care of Alfred to hide away to find neutral ground.

“Yeah, alright, do you want to watch a movie or something?” you took your hand away from his arm, busying yourself with the TV. Biting at the inside of your cheek, wondering what was bothering him but refusing to pry. If he wanted to tell you then he would have. “Or I could go back to unpacking,” you glanced back at him, concerned you might be annoying him.

He shifted so that he was sitting upright and you moved back to sit beside him. “Whatever you want, I might fall back asleep,” he yawned resting an arm on the back of the couch, his legs stretched out to rest his feet on the top of the coffee table. If he wanted to nap you could easily sit in the armchair but the thought of moving now that you were already beside him was less than desirable.

From your open bedroom window you could hear Matt and Ben talking next door along with a rougher voice. That must be Han, which must have been why Matt had to head home, to see his father. But then why was Kylo nestled beside you still if his father was home after such a long time. You thought of your relationship with your own father and it dawned on you. That would explain why he was choosing to nap his day away on your couch; Kylo and Han must not get along. You didn’t voice your conclusion but the sneer curling on his lips from the voices drifting into the living room confirmed it enough for you.

You selected the first title to pop up, drowning the noise coming from next door. It was the old black and white version of Frankenstein. Not something you might have chosen normally but you’d admittedly never seen the original. Reaching for your chips you settled back into the couch munching on them. You offered the bag to Kylo and he slipped out a handful before you placed the bag back in your lap. This was rather nice you decided, having some sort of company while you relaxed with no obligations for conversation.

Kylo had begun to slouch in his seat, chin rest against his chest. He was going to get an awful kink in his neck if he slept like that. You elbowed him gently in the side stirring him. “Come on just lay down, you can lay on my lap, I don’t mind,” you shuffled to the other side of the couch and looked at him pointedly. He didn’t refute as he shuffled over and lay his cheek against your thighs. His long legs still hanging over the other side of the couch. You brushed a hand through his hair and he sighed with contentment as his eyes shut. One of his hands resting on your leg close to his face, his palm sticking to your skin. Although this may have made you feel awkward, with Kylo it simply felt right. You stroked his hair again, weaving your fingers through the wavy locks, relishing how smooth his tresses were through your fingers. You were friends; there was nothing wrong with this. Nothing wrong with how the deepened huff of his breath sent a flutter in your abdomen – right?

Dracula was next on the roster for films tonight. It had started playing as you were playing with Kylo’s hair. The remote now too far away to change channels without disturbing him. That didn’t matter; you were more than content at the moment. Though you’d had a few partners in the past no one had ever fallen asleep in your lap. There were many things you had yet to experience, many you doubted would happen. Sure Ben, Matt, and Kylo might flirt with you but you were still just the girl next door. Just the neighbor that they would remember having belching competitions with, not something romantic. If any of the girls were half as gorgeous as Phasma had been you were sure to stay single and focused through the school year. You didn’t mind the thought but, your gaze returned to the back of Kylo’s head, maybe having something like this every day would be nice.

He remained asleep until you were forced to nudge him awake at the end of the film. Your legs were going numb beneath his weight, you stomach growling loudly. He grumbled as he lifted his head, rubbing the butt of his hands into his eye sockets. You curled your legs up beneath you, the muscles aching in protest. You would have been fine with him resting like that all night if your legs hadn’t started to act up and if you could have somehow sucked nutrients from the air. He sat up, still leaning most of his weight against your side as he blinked into the now darkened room. The sun had set an hour ago but there was still chat and laughter from next door. “You can stay the night if you want,” you bit at the inside of your cheek knowing if you were in his position you’d have wanted that option.

Kylo turned to face you, brushing a piece of hair behind your ear. “Maybe,” his voice was husky with misuse. From the light of the TV you were sure he could see the colour rising in your cheeks.

“A-are you hungry or anything?” you had practically jolted away from him. The butterflies in your stomach knocking insistently against your insides.  Stop acting so skittish, he was only looking at you like that because he’s waking up. Right? He leaned closer, his body now obviously resting against you. “I’ve got to eat something,” the words came out so fast and spluttered they sounded more like you’d had a go at forcing them into a single word. Jumping from the couch in the same fashion. He was staring at you like you’d sprouted wings.

You turned on your heel heading towards the kitchen, forcing your pace to slow below a sprint. Compelling yourself to steady your hammering heart, you were getting all worked up for nothing. He thought you were a blubbering idiot for sure. That was fine with you, less reason for him to question _why_ you were acting this way. For all he knew you were always like this. Which, you reminded yourself, you absolutely were not. No one had made you nervous, never; now even the thought of Kylo seeing the heat in your cheeks made you want to dig yourself a hole. Matt hadn’t made you this jumpy and Ben… well maybe Ben could but really you were overreacting and overthinking. “Just shut up,” you snapped reaching towards the fridge, biting down hard into your bottom lip.

“I didn’t say anything,” Kylo’s voice scoffed from behind you. The heavy screech of a chair on linoleum piercing your eardrums as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

“I was – talking to myself,” you sighed reaching into the fridge for ingredients. Wishing yet again you would stop acting so weird. As you placed the items on the counter you swiveled to catch the eyes lazily following you. His attention divided between you and Alfred who had taken to sprawling out on the table.  “I should warn I’m not exactly a master chef,” to this he shrugged continuing to pet Alfred. At least he was no longer watching you.

It was a while before either of you chanced at conversation. Kylo finally deciding he could no longer stand the silence, “Have you chosen your classes yet?”  You shook your head no in reply. You were supposed to have done it with Ben and Matt but with Han’s arrival home that had brushed your plans aside. “Between the three of us we’ll make sure you have the best professors,” he had stood from his seat and leaned on the counter beside you, pursing his lips as you sloppily cut an onion.  “You’re going to chop your fingers off.”

You swat his hand away as it reached to overtake your meal prep. “Buzz off Kylie,” the nervous hum was lingering at the back of your mind still. He stood behind you grasping your wrist and gently forced it into submission. The blade now cutting the vegetable in smooth strokes versus the haphazard technique you’d just been using. “Did no one teach you how to cook?” he asked with just a hint of condescension.  You elbowed him with your free arm and he gave a chuckle, refusing to free your hand. His chest warming the exposed skin of your back causing the anxiety to creep up into your throat. The fumes of the onion were making your eyes water and you brushed away at the tears with your shoulder.

He backed off once the chopping was finished, his fingers lingering until you were shaking him off. Not wanting him to feel or see how badly your fingers had begun to quake.  You threw the onion into a frying pan on the stove along with some olive oil before turning back to the cutting board. “What are you even making?” Kylo was scowling watching you nearly slice open your thumb trying to cut out the insides of a red bell pepper.

“Stir fry,” you frowned back at him before returning to the pepper. You weren’t the best at cooking but at least the food you made was still edible. After moving in with your mom permanently after the divorce you no longer had the luxury of having food made for you. Dad had been the main chef; most of mom’s food was rather questionable in its edibility. So you did the best you could for the both of you and mom never complained.

Kylo was still hovering by your side, itching to snatch the knife from your hand. “If my culinary talent is not sufficient for you then _you do it_ ,” you snapped dropping the knife onto the counter and crossing your arms. He sighed giving you a small squeeze with one arm before taking the knife in his hand. Without needing to guide you he cut nearly ten times as fast. Obviously his skills far surpassed your own. He didn’t ask for your help only left you to stand awkwardly beside him while he busied himself with taking over the entire project. “Admittedly I’m impressed and maybe even a little jealous,” you muttered watching how expertly his hands bent to whichever task was before him.

He huffed watching you from the corner of his eye, a smirk playing at his lips. “All three of us can cook, though Ben as I’m sure you can guess remains on the eating end most of the time,”  the thought made you laugh, Kylo and Matt must get stuck with cooking more often than not. “I’m a little surprised you didn’t shoo me out of the house earlier,” the statement caused you to frown and he continued without looking up. “Han and I… Well I’m sure you can guess our relationship is rocky at best. He doesn’t come home often but when he does-“He fell short unable to finish his explanation from how hard his jaw was grinding.

You grasped onto his bicep, giving a light squeeze. He didn’t need to explain, you already understood. “You can come here as often as you like, Kylo,” his eyes met yours, reflecting the emotions coiling through him. You pushed him away from the counter enough to wrap your arms around him, nuzzling your face into his chest. “And you don’t have to feel the need to explain, okay?” You could feel him nod above you, pressing you against him. His chin resting on the top of your head. He could live on the couch until Han went back to work for all you cared, hell you’d let him sleep on your awful futon if he really wanted. That might be nice if he didn’t roll over and smother you. If your pounding heart didn’t keep you up all night but you were being presumptuous – would he even _want_ to share your bed with you?

Without a word he slipped out of your hold and returned to silently putting together the meal. You sat down in the chair he had pulled out, Alfred immediately jumping onto the table expecting attention. Stroking his fur you gazed over at Kylo, wishing you knew what he was thinking. Maybe your offer was yet again extending what was acceptable but you hated the helplessness of leaving him to his own devices. Part of him was hurting and you wanted to ease it best you could whether he asked you to or not; you weren’t kids anymore, you weren’t helpless, and you could help him if he let you. He was a stranger to you in many ways. If only you had been here for him, for all of them instead of being dragged away from everything you knew to rebuild the bricks of your life piece by piece without truly knowing why.

“Ky- I’m sorry if I overstepped,” you murmured as he took the seat next to you. Refusing to meet his expression until his hand nudged up your chin. His brow was furrowed, his fingertips leaving your chin to rest over your hand on the table. Your breath caught in your throat, unsure what the gesture meant.

His eyes had darkened, staring at you in a way that seemed vaguely intimate (though this you would later deny). “Thank you,” he mumbled brushing his thumb against your knuckles. He wouldn’t say much else.

It was a relief when your phone began to buzz in your pocket and you slipped your hand away from him to answer. “Hello?” you rubbed at your temples with the other hand already knowing who was calling at such a late hour.

“Why are you still up, have you slept at all?” the voice on the other end chided and you regretted picking up. Kylo raised an eyebrow and you mouthed out the word ‘mother’ for him and he nodded, standing to finish up.

You groaned out loud slumping back in your seat. “Yes, mom, I have slept and before you ask I went next door,” you picked at your fingernails shifting the phone between your ear and shoulder. She started to jabber on the other end and you sighed knowing she would go off on some sort of tirade. “No, mom, stop. Mom! Yes, they’re still nice boys and Leia told me I could come over whenever. Mom, MOM, can I please call you tomorrow?”  Your face had grown a shade darker as you hid your face in your arm on the table. She was still talking and you wanted to hang up, positive Kylo could hear her from across the kitchen. Of course she’d lecture you about boys the moment you mentioned going next door. “Okay mom seriously I have to go, I promise I will call you later. I love you, please stop worrying. Okay, bye!” you hung up just as she had started to protest. That wasn’t a conversation you could have with him around. You’d have to be sure to text her more often, the calls were less easy to ignore.

Kylo had placed a bowl in front of you when you lifted your head from the table. “I move across the country and she _still_ treats me like a child,” you huffed accepting the fork he passed you. Glad he wasn’t prying at your conversation, happy to listen to you whine as long as he could start eating. “I’m taking your advice, I’m moving in with you guys, that way she won’t nag both dad and I about me living here,” you grumbled between mouthfuls.  He rolled his eyes but continued to listen to you bitch. Something given the circumstance he felt compelled to do.

“You would hate living with us, Ben is loud all hours of the day, Matt snores almost constantly, and you wouldn’t be able to keep up with us,” you weren’t entirely sure what he meant by the last statement but snorted in response. “Plus if you weren’t here I couldn’t sneak off when I needed a break. Just promise me you won’t mention anything to them, if they found out they’d both be over here.”

“Cross my heart,” you drew an ‘x’ over your heart with your finger. He wanted to keep this space just for him. It made sense, in a way. Or would have if you didn’t live here. You weren’t entirely sure what he was hinting at.

It was easy to dig into your food now, the silence blanketing you both comfortably. Kylo really was a good cook and as much as it was irritating you that he took over you were glad to eat something that didn’t resemble cardboard for once. Maybe you’d have to slip next door mysteriously to snag a decent meal. Maybe he’d come over more, cook for you both, and fall asleep in your lap. _What exactly were you expecting from him?_ You didn’t know.

After you’d both eaten you cleaned up the dishes, Kylo returned to the living room to lay on the couch finally giving into your pestering to let you clean in peace. Your phone was pinging insistently in your pocket and you fished it out after you had shut and turned on the dish washer. Multiple texts from Ben: _what are you doing? You should come over._ Though you were smiling you gave a small snort shoving your cell back into your pocket. Han was still there and you weren’t about to abandon Kylo to hang out with his brothers when he was acting so stoic.

He was flipping through channels when you joined him, curling up at his side without invitation. You stifled a yawn resting your head against his shoulder and shutting your eyes. “Go to bed,” though his words were soft you frowned at the command. He was still so bossy. “If you fall asleep on me I’ll never go home,” he joked nudging you off of him. _Would that really be such a bad thing?_

“Fine,” you grumbled slinking from the couch with a stretch. This time giving an exaggerated yawn. “Night Kylie,” you leaned down giving him a quick hug before trudging to bed. Closing the door before you changed into you pajamas and crawled into bed. Consciously staying at the far edge of the futon just in case he decided to join you no matter how unlikely the action would be.  As sleep gently over took you, you could hear both the TV down the hall and the low chatter of voices from next door.  

And as you awoke the next morning you were sad to find your bed empty except for the lump of fur belonging to Alfred. Maybe one day he’d stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was like running nails on a chalkboard  
> BUT NOW THE REAL FUN CAN BEGIN MY FRIENDS!!  
> Hope you enjoyed the soft Kylo fluff party, it will not last long  
> If you are expecting anything but pain and suffering you have come to the wrong place. Please prepare to ride the feel train as I ruin us all with the angst and smut. I have great plans my friends, terrible plans, but great.  
> (Also if this chapter seemed rushed I was so tired of staring at it that I cut the loose ends and sent it free)


	3. Where Did The Party Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things never seemed to go as planned but you had never imagined they could have gone so wrong. Maybe your mother had been right all along, boys were nothing but trouble. And with a last name of Solo - trouble was never far behind.

Tonight was the night you’d been anxiously waiting for all week. The entire reason you were fiendishly taming the bed head you were sporting all day into something manageable and the only reason you were swishing around the house in a dress. Because today you’d be attending your first college party. You weren’t sure what exactly to expect, Matt and Ben hadn’t been helpful and Kylo had avoided the subject entirely.  If your mother knew she’d have a field day – parties were dangerous, you could get drugged or wind up pregnant. You took her warnings with a grain of salt, she couldn’t stop you from going and your father wouldn’t be home until the next day; by tomorrow afternoon you’d be sober enough to handle him.

As hard as you were trying not to fret you still were. The only people you knew were Matt and Ben and what’s to say they wouldn’t desert you as soon as you got there. No, they wouldn’t but it’s not like making friends had ever been easy for you. It was only so easy with Matt, Ben, and Kylo because you’d known each other since you’d been running around in diapers together. Now you had to play nice with others and that had never been a strong point for you. Hopefully Matt would keep you out of trouble, after all he was staying sober and had promised to be your shadow for the night. Ben had been just as eager for you to come, practically demanding you did. It was nice to know they wanted their friends to meet their awkward next door neighbor.

Kylo called your name from the living room and you put aside your last minute prattling to join him. You’d been dressed and groomed for an hour but you just weren’t satisfied by what was reflected to you in the mirror. He was lazing on the couch still in his pajamas, Han had been home most of the week and he refused to spend any amount of time unless sleeping in the same household. So he’d spent most of his free time with you, it was nice but you were finding it difficult to split your time between the three unless they were all over at your place, which had been the case.

Matt and Ben had both joined Kylo while they had waited for you. No one had let you know that they were in fact waiting in the first place. Matt was sitting on the arm of the couch fiddling with his phone. He was wearing a green flannel button up shirt with navy jeans, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Ben was stretched back in the recliner, his leather jacket hanging on the back of the chair; his white V-neck shirt holding tight around his chest and his black jeans form fitting perfectly.

“Why didn’t you tell me they were both here!” you snapped at Kylo playfully. Reaching above him for your purse that you had placed on the back of the couch so you’d be sure not to forget it.  Kylo gave a noncommittal shrug, staring past you at the TV, he had called you over that was good enough.

Matt was first to stand, shoving his hands in his front pockets.  “Sure you won’t come?” he pressed his brother for what must have been the fiftieth time this week.

“Absolutely not, you guys have fun and I better not get any drunk calls,” Kylo muttered sitting up to meet Ben’s eyes. Ben being the culprit of said drunk calls held up his hands in surrender making Kylo scoff in annoyance. “Keep her out of trouble too,” he instructed while you tugged him into a quick hug.

“We’re off then,” Matt gave a small wave before the three of you were skirting towards the door. Ben held your hand as you slipped into your shoes, keeping you steady as you strapped the wedges around your ankles. Although you could hardly run in the things you still raced him for the front seat which he unwillingly gave up after a moments of bickering. You settled down in your seat, smoothing your dress down in your lap. “Really Ben, I told you not to drink that in the car,” Matt was frowning at him from the rearview mirror as he guzzled down a drink from the flask he had produced in his inner coat pocket.

“Oh relax,” Ben laughed reaching around to hand it to you. “Careful it’s strong,” he warned before letting you take it. Without hazarding a sniff you took a long drag, coughing the instant it hit your tongue but swallowing it back with tears in your eyes.

“Ben!” Matt scowled as you handed it back still half choking from the horrid taste.

“Why are you drinking pure vodka?” you spluttered as soon as your coughing fit had ended. Focusing on the set of lights you were stopped at to clear the tears in your vision.  Ben only chuckled in reply, taking another swig. You’d been informed early on in the evening that buying alcohol would not be necessary; Hux had plenty for everyone. But seeing the houses expanding in size and grandeur as you drove along explained exactly why – Hux’s family was wealthy. _Extremely wealthy_ you thought to yourself as you pulled off down a hidden driveway to the secluded home.

There were already twenty cars scattered around in the driveway and along the winding road towards the house. You were all still early, any later and people would be parking on the perfectly trimmed front lawn. It was a solid fact that you had never seen a house this large in person, it could have belonged on MTV’s cribs. It certainly gave off a ‘Georgian mansion’ vibe for you. In a house this large at least you could hide away if you truly needed to.

Once the car was in park Ben had opened your door and was ushering you from your seat. You let him slip his arm around your waist as he led you towards the house. Matt following close behind. The inside was just as posh as you had expected it to be. How Hux could stand throwing a wild party where so many things could get ruined was beyond you. Most of the people present were congregated around in the kitchen and conjoining living area. You recognized Hux immediately though he seemed out of place standing behind a row of cups at the beer pong table setup  in the empty space between the couch and kitchen island. The second recognizable face was Phasma who was lounging on a couch chatting with a group of people. She was wearing tight jeans and a low cut top, hard to imagine she could be much more stunning even from the angle you were standing.

You were rigid against Ben’s arm. Unsure of how you were supposed to act around all of these people. He gave you a tight squeeze while dragging you over to the kitchen island and setting you beside the sink. Already reaching for the bottles and cups that were set beside you. “No way, back off, mix your own drinks,” Matt scooted between you both shielding you from the cup he was about to hand you. “I’m not bringing her back home in an hour because _you_ seem to think everyone can drink at the same pace,” he scolded picking up a new cup and beginning to fill it with something more suitable. He turned back to you, looking you straight in the eye, “I’ll make your drinks, deal? Doesn’t matter who or what it is – come to me if you want something.” The deadpan look in his eye had you nodding obediently. If Matt wanted to take care of you tonight then you’d let him. He handed you the drink letting you sip at it before turning back to Ben and hissing under his breath, “If you want a drinking buddy tonight go make pals with _Phasma_.”

Ben seemed indifferent to Matt’s sudden assertion and quickly downed both drinks he had made and started to prepare a third. He clinked his newly filled drink against yours making you smile wryly at the wink he gave you before you hid yourself behind your cup. _Well here’s hoping liquid courage acts fast_. You downed your drink before handing the cup back to Matt who was anything but impressed with you mirroring his brother’s behavior. “Thatta girl!” Ben whooped skirting around Matt to stand next to you. His free hand resting on your hip.

“Thanks Matty,” you murmured guiltily as he handed you the refilled cup, looking none too pleased with the night ahead if you kept this up. You sipped at your drink slowly as if to prove to him you wouldn’t be the nuisance he foretold.

The warm fire was already humming in your belly, promising a smooth sailing to intoxication if you kept a drink in hand. You were starting to perk up as you leant against Ben, nursing your drink so that mom 2.0 would stop watching you like a hawk. “I’m going to talk to Hux, remember what you promised me,” he first looked pointedly at Ben and then at you before wedging himself next to the ginger host who was now standing outside on the patio.

“Finally, I hate it when he decides to be mom-atron 2000 for the night,” Ben sniffed, leaving your side to produce a tray from the fridge. The entire baking pan had been filled with jello-shots and from what you could see there were at least another six trays left inside. He set them on the top of the island and people began to meander closer. He picked up four shots, handing two to you. Your hands closed around them cautiously checking that Matt wasn’t peering in at you from the doorway, you’d made him a promise but this was exempt wasn’t it? “You don’t have to,” he sighed reaching back for them after noticing your prolonged hesitation. You shook your head defiantly before tipping them back into your mouth. Stowing the plastic glasses to the side the moment before Matt was stalking back towards you.

Ben had picked up another four shots, downing two before handing two towards Matt who let out a loud sigh. “I’m not drinking tonight as much as you would love me to, I’m driving us home, remember?” he took out his phone and stared down at it a long moment before shoving it back in his pocket.

“Kylo will pick us up or we can take a cab!” Ben argued but Matt continued to shake his head no. “Fine, fine, can she at least drink these mother dearest?” he handed the shots over to you and your hands rested on his until Matt nodded a yes and you snatched them up, downing them both. In retrospect the shots may have been exactly what had done you in at the end of the night but in the present you had no concerns; your body was humming and you had finally relaxed enough to begin to enjoy yourself.

To your discomfort the brothers had steered you over to the throng of people that were loitering in the living area. Sitting you smack dab beside Phasma on the couch. Matt sat beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and Ben sat on the floor leaned against your legs. Making sure you stayed put between the two of them. Though Phasma looked surprised there was no venom in her gaze as there had been when you had first met her earlier in the week. She was sipping on a bottle of beer watching you quite intently before Ben started to speak, “Phas give the kid some room, you look like you’re about to pounce.”

She responded with a grin, tilting back the rest of her beer and setting the empty on the floor beside Ben. “Am I? It was not intentional,” she rest her elbow on the side of the couch, still watching you closely until you were practically squirming. “You just seem familiar for some reason and I can’t put my finger on it,” she shrugged finally breaking eye contact.

“I lived next door to these guys when I was younger but I just moved back after quite some time,” you were surprised the words were coming to you so easily, must be the liquor. Someone had passed her another beer and she popped off the cap with her teeth. “You’re gorgeous,” the words had slipped through your mouth before you’d had a chance to even think them _; that was definitely the liquor talking._

A smirk had crossed Phasma’s lips and she murmured a smooth thanks. Ben and Matt were both watching you curiously. Well they’d find out eventually that the drunk version of you was much bolder and flirtier than sober you. “I’m a little surprised you came,” she admitted taking another swig. “But I’m glad, too many boys here for my liking,” to prove her point she nudged Ben’s shoulder with her foot, threatening to tip him over. She was starting to open up whether it was from drinking or your previous compliment.

Hux was calling her over to the beerpong table and she was reluctant to leave. “Here, take my number,” she gestured for your phone which you unlocked and handed to her while she added her contact information. “If either of these knuckle heads lose you tonight just call me and I’ll come find you.” With a smirk she left to join Hux’s side, having to lean down so that he could speak into her ear.

“She likes you,” Matt chuckled and you frowned at him. She was nice enough, obviously caring even to someone like you who had the social skills of a peanut. Ben started laughing when he noticed your confused expression.

“What?” you demanded folding your arms across your chest. Matt gestured over behind you and you turned to find what he was pointing at. _Oh, that’s what he meant_. Phasma was tongue deep in a girl across the kitchen. Well, it wasn’t like your comment hadn’t suggested the same from you. Though you had never taken that avenue. “Matt can you get me another drink?”

“Me too!” Ben held up his empty cup and Matt snatched it from him with a glare. He was playing mom for you, not for him. Guess he was still too nice to say no. He trudged to the other side of the room fending off the others who had gathered for drinks. In this time Ben had sat on the couch beside you, pulling you into his lap. “Alone at last,” he purred, lips grazing against the side of your neck.

You leaned back giving him a pointed look but he didn’t shy away, pulling you back against him, and cradling you in his arms. He grasped your chin, tilting you towards him before pressing his lips against yours. You almost fell out of his lap as you jolted back; that was the last thing you had ever expected him to do! “Ben, what are you doing?” you spluttered embarrassed, your words slurring ever so slightly.

He could have looked wounded if you hadn’t shimmied up closer to him. His thumb tracing your bottom lip as he watched your face redden from the contact.  You wanted him to kiss you again so that it lasted for more than the split second before you tore yourself away. His lips had felt soft and you wanted to sink your teeth into them. But before you had a chance to close the distance between your lips Matt had sat back down next to you both and was pushing a drink into your hand.

“Finn was looking for you,” Ben sighed glancing over at Matt. “Something about wanting to talk about some Marvel reboot or something, he just went out back.” He was lying but it did sound like something Matt would be interested in. So much for trust between brothers but in the time you had spaced out from the start of the party to now it could have easily happened. The place was so crowded it was hard to see a couple feet in front of you. You hid your face behind your drunk, guzzling it down and avoiding eye contact.

Matt had perked up to the mention. “I should stay here,” he seemed a tad disappointed when he said it. “I can’t fail my duty as drink slave.”

 “Matty it’s okay, you can go, it’s not hard to see you want to,” you smiled leaning out of Ben’s lap and giving him a peck on the cheek making him instantly blush. You shouldn’t be encouraging this. But Ben wanted you alone and right now that was all you could really focus on. You’d make it up to Matt later. “You can come find us after.”

“I-If you’re sure it’s alright,” he stood, hesitant to leave you both. You reached out and gave his hand a squeeze. “Okay, just text me if you need me,” with that he had started to make his way out towards the patio.

Ben was tugging you up just as fast. “I want to show you something,” his voice had dropped an octave and you paused only long enough to scoop your phone off of the couch and stow it in your purse before following after him. His hand laced tightly with your own as he led you out of the throng and up a flight of stairs. There were still a fair amount of people on the second floor but less so as he traversed farther into the house. Finally stopping at a door and leading you in behind him, closing the door behind you.

He wanted to show you… a bathroom? “Ben, I don’t-“ he stopped your breath as he pushed you up against the counter, locking his lips against yours. He pulled away a moments later to read your flustered expression. But you were already drawing him back, hoping up on the counter so that he wouldn’t have to lean so far down. Your hand knotting in his hair and yanking him down towards you. Wherever this bravery had come from you did not intend to let it go.

“You’re not just doing this because you’re drunk, right?” you had shoved him back at arm’s length, having to know the answer before you let his lips form back onto yours.

“Of course not,” he seemed offended but was already moving to suckle on the skin behind your ear making you gasp and squirm. How far this was going to go you couldn’t tell. You weren’t sure how far you wanted it to go, all you knew was that he had to keep his hands on you. “I’ve wanted a taste of you since the moment I caught sight of you,” he whispered huskily into your ear making a shiver of anticipation run up your spine. You weren’t just the neighbor next door to him.

He was kissing you again, pressing you up against the mirror behind you. Hands teasing over your arms, your sides, your hips. Building up to something more intimate, afraid to rush you just yet. “What part of me did you want to taste?” you bit at his bottom lip forcing a groan from him. You were slurring like no other, your movements jerky but he was just as drunk as you were and you would take what he was willing to give.

His fingertips danced across the exposed skin of your thighs, pushing your dress up higher with their movement. “Well, there’s this one spot,” he was grinning against your lips, his fingers moving higher. Stopping above their chosen destination before marking an ‘x’, “right here.” You had closed your eyes, breathing shakily. “Can I taste you there?” he was teasing you, stroking the marked spot in slow circles as you arched beneath him. You nodded with a whimper, buckling to the pressure on your clit.

It didn’t matter how dirty it made you feel, you wanted him buried between your thighs. “Please, Ben,” you whined loudly . He reached over and locked the door before sitting on his knees, bringing you to the edge of the counter. Hands spreading your legs as he leaned forward, licking a wide band against your panties. Smirking as you scowled at him before he hooked the material to the side and dove in. “Mm, fuck,” the whimper was much louder than you had intended as his tongue caressed against your folds. It had been a long while since anyone had touched you.

“You love this, don’t you?” he teased catching you biting harshly into your lip, struggling to contain the moans you were suppressing in your chest. Your head rolling back against the mirror, fingernails digging into the sides of the counter. He was still only licking straight strips into your flesh but the contact was enough to drive you mad. Gently you brushed the hair out of his eyes before tangling your fingers into the back of his head pushing him into you. He groaned loudly into your skin, now suckling at you with fever.

You were grinding your hips against him, his strokes matching your pace. Making you whine and whimper desperately beneath him, your volume no longer controlled. He was clinging to your thighs, eyes never wavering away, his grunts echoing your own. “No, please don’t stop,” you were clutching the back of his head hard to keep him in place as his hands shifted beneath you. There was the soft click and shuffle of his belt buckle and the metallic clang of it hitting the floor.

One arm looped back around your thigh pulling your leg over his shoulder and tugging your underwear back to the side. His other hand disappearing from your view as he wrapped his fist around his cock, slowly pumping into his own hand. Lips pursing down onto your clit, trapping it inside his mouth; tongue swiping over the nerve bundle making you whimper and try to pull away from the intense sensation. But you weren’t going anywhere, his grip  around your thigh fiercely keeping you in place. “Ben-“ you were struggling to form words, the single syllable of his name as complex as you could manage. You whined, cunt itching to be filled by him.

The heat was spreading in your abdomen, he could surely bring you to orgasm if he continued but he’d have to force you down and make you endure it. His tongue forcing the pleasure into something sharp and intense. If he made you cum this way you would surely not remain conscious long after. “Ben, stop,” you cupped his chin, waiting for his mouth to leave you. His brow creased but his lips pulled away allowing the shaky breath to release from your chest. The fire was still hot and desperate in your core.

A chime lilted from the floor and Ben glanced down, someone was calling him. He sighed, silencing it before dragging himself up to his feet. Placing his phone face up on the counter beside you. “Matt’s looking for us,” he murmured drawing his fingertips across your thighs.

“Let him wait,” you snapped impatiently. You shifted to sit up straight, glancing down at the erection Ben was still fisting, your eyes growing wide. Well, you figured he might have been well endowed but not like _this_. Your cunt clenched as you bit a new tear into your lip.

Ben chuckled, cuffing the back of your neck, bringing your jaw against his. “See something you like, sweetheart?” you nodded, your mouth beginning to water. He inched closer, pressing the head down against your soaked panties.

His phone was vibrating on the counter beside you and once again he refused a call. Your absence had been noticed. “You got to taste me how you wanted, don’t I get to choose how you fuck me?” you had pushed him back slightly with your knee against his chest, enough to catch him licking his lips. He seemed resistant to your request and you pushed him back a bit farther, his cock no longer resting against you. “Unless you _don’t_ want to fuck me.”

You caught his cock twitching in protest, his jaw locking in annoyance. He wasn’t used to waiting. He backed away, raising an eyebrow pointedly as you slipped off the counter. Your legs wobbling beneath your weight as you turned to face away from him, catching his eye in the mirror. The semblance of control heightening your arousal as you bent down, resting your forearms on the counter . You glanced over your shoulder at him, his iris had given way to the expanse of his pupil, his breath deepening into a pant. He was stroking himself again. “Come here,” you smirked, shimmying your panties down around your ankles.

If he had been sober he might have made you beg for him but since that was not the case he approached you eagerly. Guiding his cock to your entrance and immediately sliding up into you. Stretching your walls to the brink from his girth as he settled fully sheathed. Both hands grasping at your hips, holding you still as he pulled out to the tip before slamming back into you with force. His thrusts were rough, dragging the moans past your lips, threatening to have your knees buckle. Ben was cursing under his breath, grunting loudly as he drove you against the counter. His eyes had clamped shut as he focused on your walls clenching around him.

Your hands were scrambling on the counter, desperately seeking something to dig your nails into. His phone illuminated beside your arm, the brief summary of a received text on the screen. It caught your eye, enough for you to catch the beginnings of the message before it faded back to its’ blank screen. _Where are you? I need you in me_ – surely you had read that wrong. Glancing up in the mirror Ben’s eyes were still closed. He wouldn’t… you had to know if you had read that wrong. Carefully you clicked to bring the phone’s screen back to life, your finger scrolling through the slew of unanswered messages. No. You hadn’t read it wrong. Worst of all, it wasn’t the only one or the only number. Fuck.

What the hell were you supposed to do. You couldn’t stay here after seeing that, couldn’t let Ben continue to thrust into you despite how good it felt. He had played you. And you were _furious_.

“Get off,” you grunted, pushing away his hands from your sides. Desperate to leave while the anger was fresh. If you paused even for a moment you wouldn’t stop this. He pushed you back against the counter, ignoring your demand, too lost to take your words to heart. “Ben, stop!” your voice was icy and he finally paused. You backed away from the counter, pushing him farther into you, almost abandoning your retreat. No, you were worth more than a fuck. You pulled away from him with the gap you had created, quickly pulling your panties back up around your hips.

He grasped your wrist, “what the hell!” His brow had knit together. You shook him off, reaching for the handle to storm out before he had latched back onto you, forcing you away from the door. “You’re seriously just going to storm out of here mid fuck?”

You sucked in a breath, he didn’t just sound angry – he sounded hurt. “Go fuck one of the other girls you’ve been texting tonight,” your voice was doused with the acid you wanted to spit at him. You shouldn’t have assumed you’d be the only one he planned on hooking up with tonight.  His grip tightened making it near painful. His eyes squeezing shut as he let out a labored breath. “I know all about guys like you. Fuck anything with legs, don’t let commitment hold you down. I won’t be another name on your list.” You were trembling, tears prickling at the corners of your eyes. There was no way you were going down this destructive path again.

“It’s not like that,” he protested weakly, refusing to meet your gaze. Fingers still forming a vice around your wrist, keeping you from leaving his side.

“Matt didn’t even call you did he? Just some girl looking to hook up,” you tugged at your wrist, staring him down accusingly as his head bowed ever so slightly. You’d hit the nail on the head. “To think I trusted you,” your volume raising to a yell, your words echoing off the walls back at you. You needed another drink, the anger was starting to sober you. “Let me go before I do something I’ll regret.”

For a moment he looked like he was going to yell back. His mouth flattening into a thin line. Perhaps it was better not to continue this argument with his pants still around his ankles. With a huff he let your wrist go and you didn’t give him the satisfaction of a retort as you unlocked the door and slammed it behind you. You stalked down the hall, hands in fists at your sides. There was a muffled yell from the bathroom behind you but you wouldn’t look back.

It was a challenge to make your way back to the kitchen. Your legs were unsteady both from drink and sex. But you made it despite the people crowding the way. At least Ben would have a harder time following you, you were much smaller and it was easier to worm through a crowd. You needed to get out of here and once you had your drink you would. Ben would not be satisfied with leaving things how they were.

There was no sign of Matt in the kitchen and you heaved a sigh of relief. You had looked a mess when you had left the bathroom and running into him would only have him questioning what had happened. And if Ben was thrown into that mix you’d have a scene. The only recognizable face in the sea of people was Phasma who was standing directly in front of your objective. You made your way beside her, grasping a cup and filling it to the brim with the first bottle you found.

You could feel her staring down over you. Ignoring it you set the bottle aside and started to chug down what you had poured, your nose wrinkling at the taste. Whatever it was burned going down but you finished the cup in one go. Slamming the cup down beside the sink, staring at the plastic giving away to your clenching fingers. A hand touched your shoulder and you spun to face her. “Hey, it’s just me,” she gave you a wry smile, squeezing onto your shoulder gently as you focused on her face. “Are you alright?”

No. You were not alright and nothing she could do would make you alright unless she could rewind the entire night so that you didn’t blindly follow Ben up to the bathroom. You just needed to get home. Sleep off this mess and deal with it in the morning. You reached to your side expecting your purse to be hanging on your hip and stopped; you’d left your purse in the bathroom with Ben. He had your phone, your wallet, ID – you couldn’t go anywhere without it. You’d have to either find Matt or find Ben and demand it back. Neither of those ideas was appealing but there was a third option. “Phasma do you have Kylo’s number?” you blinked up at her, willing the frustrated tears to stay put.

She nodded slipping her phone out of her pocket. “I don’t know if he’ll answer a call from me,” she warned handing you the phone that was already chirping the dial tone. You shoved it against your ear, plugging your other ear with your finger to drown out some of the noise around you.

It was almost to the last ring when he finally answered. “Hello?” he sounded irritated but he had answered.

“Kylo!” you sank back against the counter in relief. He sighed your name on the other end, he was definitely annoyed. Drunk calls were the last thing he had wanted to deal with, especially since you were calling from someone else’s phone. “A-are you at home right now? Can you come get me?”

“What’s wrong, aren’t you with Matt?” concern had suddenly filled his tone. You heard shuffling on the other end.

“I can’t find him, please!” your throat had choked on a lump and you were fighting an ongoing battle with the tears that had started to trickle down your face. “I just want to go home,” a sob had left you and you stared down at the floor knowing Phasma was watching you carefully.

“Let me talk to Phasma,” his voice was hard and you handed the phone up to Phasma who pressed it immediately to her ear.

The noise around you had increased drowning out the words Phasma was saying. Brushing away the tears on your cheeks you glanced around you, immediately catching the back of Ben’s head as he made his way back into the living room. You dropped into a crouch as his eyes scanned your way, hoping he had missed you. Even if he had Phasma was ushering you off of the floor and his eyes found yours as soon as you were vertical. “Shit, I have to go,” you were tugging away from Phasma in the opposite direction of Ben who was stalking towards you. She held you in place, turning to see Ben. Before he could make it to you she was leaning down close to your ear. “Kylo will be here in ten minutes, you’re sticking with me until he’s here,” she told you flatly before glancing over to Ben who was now standing a mere foot away from you.

“Back off Solo,” Phasma warned shielding you from him. You clutched to the back of her shirt, peering out at Ben from behind her. She’d taken it on as her duty to protect you from anything he seemed willing to hurl your way.

Ben was frowning but would not try to worm his way past her. “I just want to talk to her,” he protested crossing his arms across his chest. She raised an eyebrow and he sneered at her tenacity. “Fine, we can do this whether you’re here or not,” he sucked on his top teeth before locking eyes with you.  

The anger was building in your chest and you bravely stepped around Phasma to meet him head on. You were drunk again, more than you had been before. Jabbing a finger square into the middle of his chest, “who the fuck do you think you are?” Phasma was hovering to the side, ready to snatch you back if needed. “You think talking will fix this? You lied to me,” you sucked in a breath letting your hand fall to your side. “Used me and lied to me, to think I actually thought you liked me.”

“I-“ he protested but you cut him short, your finger pressing back into his chest.

“ _You don’t get to talk_ ,” you had leaned up close to avoid the need to yell. Though your actions spoke otherwise you were still hesitant to start a scene. “I’ve dated guys like you before, Ben. I don’t give a shit what your excuse is. You hurt me and you don’t get to decide otherwise. Now fuck off, _we’re done_.” You stepped back from him, reaching out to take Phasma’s hand. Her fingers laced with yours as you steered you both past Ben and out onto the patio. If you had glanced back to see Ben’s face fall you might have turned back and apologized but you didn’t so you wouldn’t. Phasma quickly took the lead once you were outside, sitting you down in a chair and brushing your hair out of your eyes as you started to sob. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled through the heaving, hiding your face behind your hands.

“No one warned you,” she sighed fixing your hair as best she could. Her presence cooling the blunt of your anger. She kneeled down in front of you, gently prying your hands away from your face. Your vision was blurry with tears and she slowly brushed away the mess of makeup beneath your eyes with her thumb. “There we go,” she gave you an encouraging smile.

“I can’t believe I was so stupid,” you curled into a ball in your seat, gripping onto your knees. Heart feeling heavy in your chest as if a lead weight were attached. Ben was one of the last people you could have expected this from. You had been close but that childhood string was only a strand to him. It wasn’t enough to keep him from putting his needs before your feelings. You had really believed there was something more.

Phasma had stood and was leaning against the side of your seat, rubbing circles into your back.  She didn’t have much to say so she remained silent by your side. At least you were lucky enough to have her taking care of your blubbering excuse of a being. You hadn’t cried in front of Ben that was another achievement. But how long would you be able to avoid him after this? You lived next door, you were bound to run into him for one reason or another. A simple apology wasn’t going to fix this.

“Kylo’s here,” she was tugging you gently out of your seat. You followed, latching back onto her hand as she led you back through the house. You tried not to let your eyes wander. Of course you’d see him. Ben had his arm wrapped around the waist of a small brunette, you swallowed back the lump in your throat. Flinching away the moment he caught sight of you and staring down at your feet as you walked. The colour rising in your cheeks. You had no right to feel jealous. You had told him you were done; obviously your heart wasn’t pumping to that same beat.

Kylo was waiting for you out front, his hands jammed into his pockets, hood drawn up over his head. He did not look pleased to have been there and the guilt was already gnawing at you. First you lied to Matt, second you’d put a wedge between Ben and you, third you’d forced Kylo to come pick you up and bring you home. Some friend you were turning out to be.

Before you approached Kylo, Phasma stopped, turning you towards her. “I want you to text me tomorrow, no matter how upset you are,” she told you slowly, allowing your liquor hazed brain to process the words. She’d been supporting you the entire way here for how badly you were stumbling around. You stepped forward wrapping her in a tight embrace. She patted the top of your head, motioning Kylo over to take you.

He waited for you to release Phasma from your death grip before wrapping an arm around your shoulders. Giving her a nod he led you away from the house, walking slowly so that you kept your footing. “Are you going to tell me what happened?” he was taking his keys out of his pocket as you both approached the black jeep. You shook your head, leaning against his side as he opened the door. He hoisted you up in the seat, hovering over you to buckle your seat belt. You were staring down into your lap, if you met his stare you might start crying again. He rest his hand on your knee giving it a light squeeze. “Where’s your purse?” you scowled glancing back up at the house, you’d left it in the bathroom and Ben hadn’t grabbed it.

“I left it in the bathroom,” you mumbled slouching back in your seat. Fingers fumbling back to your side to unbuckle yourself. You couldn’t leave it there. Kylo swatted your hands away, closing the passenger side door before climbing into the other side of the jeep. “Ky, I need to get it.”

“One of the guys will get it,” he replied coolly, starting the engine and throwing the jeep into reverse. He pushed a button on the steering wheel and the voice command chirped in response. “Call Matt,” he announced clearly, the car mimicking his command before the dial tone picked up.

After two rings Matt had answered. It was extremely loud on his end. “Hey, I was just about to call you,” Matt muttered, the noise on his side of the call diminishing. “I know you just answered my text but did you find her?”

Kylo nudged you in the ribs, encouraging you to speak up. “I’m here,” you sighed, glaring over at him. “I’m sorry Matt I-“ there was a bang on his side and you paused. Muffled voices were talking gruffly and you glanced over at Kylo who shrugged.

“Just give me the phone,” though muffled you knew it was Ben there with him and you were already leaning over towards the steering wheel searching for the end call button. Kylo caught your wrist, resting it on his thigh with his hand on top. Giving you a look that spoke volumes of ‘don’t even think about it.’ There was more shuffling and your heart was rising up into your throat. What if he told them what had happened?

“Matt,” Kylo snapped impatiently and the shuffling ended. “She left her purse in the bathroom, can you find it?”

“Ben has it and he really wants to talk to her,” Matt paused, Ben’s muffled whining just barely audible in the background.

“I don’t want to talk to him,” you seethed, tugging at your hand under Kylo’s hold. You could hear Ben in the back _tell her I’m sorry_. You glared out the windshield.

Kylo gave a heavy sigh, steering you back out onto the road from the hidden driveway. His hand giving yours a light squeeze, moving your fingers enough to weave his through yours. “I’m taking her home, if Ben wants to talk to her he can do it when they’re both sober,”  he spoke with an air of finality.

“Okay, I’ll be home with this mess later then,” Matt muttered hushing Ben as he tried to reach for the phone again.  Kylo hung up without another word, easing his grip on your hand if you wanted to let go. He wasn’t bombarding you with questions and that was good. He knew you were unwilling to talk or that you were only half coherent.

You’d fallen asleep in your seat, clutching to his hand on the way home. It wasn’t a long drive and he was gently nudging you awake after he had parked in the garage. “Time to get you in bed,” he unbuckled you, lifting you out of your seat and closing the door with his hip. Supporting your weight in his arms as he carried you towards the gate.

“Kylo, stop,” you hissed and he came to a standstill. There was a light on in your house, movement on the other side. You groaned, leaning your face against his chest. “Dad came home early, he’s going to kill me,” your shoulders slumped, as if tonight couldn’t have gotten worse.

He turned around, heading instead for the backdoor. Unwilling to sacrifice you to your father’s wrath in your current state. The house was quiet when you entered. He kicked off his shoes, trudging through the kitchen and down the hall to his bedroom. You had expected him to leave you on the couch. He deposited you on his bed before moving back to close the door.

He kneeled beside you, tugging off your shoes and placing them to the side. His room was dark and you could see little from the moonlight breaching through the slit of the curtains. He had left your side to rifle through a drawer. “I have a shirt you can wear if you want,” he sat down beside you placing the shirt in your lap. “Do you need any help?”

“I can’t get the zipper,” it was easy to slip on the dress but getting it off was a whole other story. Carefully Kylo undid the top clasp and pulled the zipper down to the base of your spine. Though unnecessary he started to tug the material up and over your head, freeing you of the garment. His fingertips grazed your skin, traveling along your back down to the back clasp of your bra. His hand hesitated on it before he undid the hooks allowing you to slip it off and onto the ground. You’d expected him to touch you, you wouldn’t have minded but he simply retrieved the shirt in your lap and helped you into it. “Thanks,” you yawned laying out against the pillows.

“No sleeping until you drink some water, you’re going to be hungover tomorrow,” he ordered, slipping from the room. You found the edge of the covers, sliding beneath them and pulling them up to your chin. Your body felt heavy. No doubt you’d drank far over your limit tonight.

Kylo returned, sitting on the bed beside you. You took the glass from him, gulping it all down at once. Your throat had been dry since you’d left the party. His weight shifted off of the bed as he stood and you reached out a hand, grasping the side of his pant leg. “Please don’t go,” you didn’t want to be alone tonight more than anything.

He stepped away from you, the shuffling of clothes dropping to the floor the only sound in the silence. Crawling over you, he climbed under the covers on the other side of the bed. You turned onto your side, molding against him. He was only in his boxers.  Your head rested on his chest as he held an arm around your side. Gently he stroked your arm, his chin resting on the top of your head.

At least you had this small victory. You would finally share a bed with Kylo. Not the way you had hoped but still, it was better than facing the night alone. “Kylo,” you murmured, sitting up on your elbow. He hushed you turning onto his side to face you. “Thank you, you didn’t have to come.”

A finger pressed to your lips and you quieted.  His arm resting over your side, rubbing your back through the shirt. Your heart swelled from the action. Not knowing entirely what it meant, your drunk brain couldn’t process anything right now. You scooted closer to him, hand reaching out to brush against his chin. Leaning forward you pressed your lips over his, your hand tangling into the hair at the back of his head. He let out a small grunt, pushing back into you in response. His lips reacting to yours for only seconds before he was unraveling you from him. He cupped the side of your face, his breath unsteady. “You can’t kiss me, okay?” he rumbled softly, voice just above a whisper.

Had you read something wrong? You slumped back into the pillows feeling worn. The ache in your heart returning. Kylo didn’t want you either. You stifled the shaky huff of your breath by digging your face into the pillows. His hand leaving the side of your face to drag you back against him. His arms closing around you, sheltering you.

“I can’t kiss you because I’m like a sister, aren’t I?” you spat out louder than intended. Your voice too loud even to your own ears.  But it had been upsetting you for a while now.

There was a shift and he was pressing his lips to your forehead. His mouth resting there as he spoke, “you can’t kiss me because you’re drunk.” _Oh_. He refused to take advantage of you. “Go to sleep,” he yawned giving you a squeeze.

“So I’m not like a sister?” you pressed insistently.

The lingering doubt in your voice set him off. His lips moving from your forehead and clinging onto your own. You latched onto him greedily, suckling softly at his lower lip. Your tongue poking at the inside of his lips, pleading for entrance. He gave your lips a nip before drawing back away. You huffed at the retreat, following him but he held you in place. “Go to sleep,” he repeated sharply. You nestled back into the pillows. You’d try again in the morning.

Your mother had been right – parties were nothing but trouble. Ben had played you like a fool. On the other hand you had ended up in bed next to Kylo who _definitely did not think of you as a sister_. Yes, she had been right but she had also been wrong. Something good had surely come out of this; you hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW THIS ENDED UP BEING LONG, this didn't turn out anywhere near what I had planned in my head - oh well!  
> So starts the first station in our feel train journey, please keep your arms and legs in the vehicle at all times. You will be provided tissues at each stop.  
> I really hope you guys enjoyed this! Most chapters will have NSFW content after this point!


	4. Cold As Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why had you thought you could get through all of this scot free? After the previous nights fiasco you had hoped your luck would have improved. Now you were about to learn just how fragile one's ego could be, including your own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise profusely for the delay. I went away on vacation and wrote 75% of this chapter and when I came home none of it had saved so I was forced to rewrite the damn thing. If you notice any spelling errors/awkward rushing/general blasphemy I apologise I was simply sick of writing this chapter.

The pounding in your head you woke with was ungodly. The whole room was spinning and you shut your eyes to keep the nausea at bay. Why the hell had you drank so much last night? Your stomach was doing back flips and you shuffled your face back into the pillow. Except you hadn’t remembered pillows having so much hair. You sat up with a start despite the heavy weight on your chest fighting to keep you down. Eyes squinting against the light breaking through the curtains that was already coaxing forth the migraine lurking behind your eye sockets. 

This wasn’t your room. Of course it wasn’t, you weren’t drunk enough to have completely forgotten the night but it was still hazy at the edges. You clutched your head between your palms breathing in slow through your nose. Another rolling bought of nausea rising bile in your throat that you fought to keep down. Nope, you were going to throw up. Throwing aside the covers you leapt from the bed and fought your unsteady limbs to carry you out into the hall and straight into the bathroom. The door was open and the light was on inside but you stumbled forward, flipping the lid and praying to the porcelain gods as you heaved.

A hand was at your shoulder, pulling your hair out of your face as you emptied your insides. Cradling yourself around the toilet as you heaved until nothing was left to throw up. You sat there another moment before unlatching yourself and crawling up from your knees. The same hand that had been on your shoulder was helping you to your feet. You leaned into them, still groggy, probably still drunk. “Thanks,” you mumbled gruffly, avoiding looking up to see which of the three brothers had caught you in such an embarrassing moment.

Your throat felt raw and your mouth lingered with the acidic taste. Leaning over you took the cup next to the sink and filled it before drowning away any residue on your palette. Only looking up when you finally had a clear grasp on yourself. He looked disappointed and he should be, you had made an ass of yourself. “Matt-“ he frowned and you paused, you had never seen him look so frustrated.

“Go back to bed, it’s still early,” he mumbled giving your shoulder a squeeze before heading back into his bedroom and closing the door behind him. You almost followed after him. Almost, except the very distinct memory that you were only wearing one of Kylo’s shirts. You glared at yourself in the mirror. _You fucked everything up_. How the hell were you supposed to fix this?

With a begrudging  sigh you slipped back into Kylo’s room and sat on the edge of the bed. He was still fast asleep, his hair spread over both pillows. Must have cuddled up to you all night seeing how he was tangled in the sheets in the middle of the bed, his arm reaching out over the spot you had been in. You were gnawing your bottom lip trying to decide whether you should pull on your clothes and head home or settle in next to him. The later seeming the more appealing option.

There was a light knock at the door. Hesitantly you drew to your feet before cracking it open. It was only Matt. You opened the door and closed it behind you to meet him in the hall. Guilt was seeping through every pore, you hadn’t wanted him to know you had spent the night with Kylo. Especially since he was bound to know what had happened with Ben. You weren’t that kind of girl, surely he must know that. “I- we didn’t-“ you spluttered trying to rectify the situation.

“I brought you your purse,” he said awkwardly handing it out to you. Graciously you tucked it under your arm. This way you wouldn’t have to go to Ben to get it back, you were still too angry with him to directly confront him. It might be a while before you were ready to acknowledge him at all. Matt had saved you that embarrassment. You reached forward towards him but he took a step back, obviously uncomfortable. You bit at your bottom lip, feeling hurt before he gave you a once over, the heat rising in his cheeks. Right, no pants. 

“Thanks Matty,” you clutched the purse to you like a life line. Maybe the offering could be seen as a show that he was willing to forgive you. Though you doubted it. After last night you wondered if any of them would want much to do with you.

He gave you a wry smile before turning back to his room. Letting you for the second time that morning watch him slip away. Feeling the ache in your heart you slunk back in bed next to Kylo. Dumping your purse on the floor and fishing out your phone as you curled up back next to him. Your phone was at 10 percent. Enough battery still to show you the twelve missed calls, four voicemails, and twenty nine texts. Well already this was not looking promising. The first three calls were from your mother along with two of the voicemails, you could hear her shrill voice chastising you without even opening them. Two calls were from your father along with one voicemail; you were dreading returning home to deal with that. One call from Matt while the remaining  six calls were from Ben paired with two voicemails. Well weren’t you a popular girl.

Nearly all of the texts were from the three boys. Your father didn’t text and your mother had sent you only two texts with a load of question marks. As with the calls most of the texts were from Ben. You didn’t bother to read them, instead tossing your phone back into your purse and snuggling into Kylo who stirred under your weight pressing against his chest.

He wrapped an arm around your back, brushing his fingers down your spine as you settled in the crook of his neck. Eyes snapping shut as you attempted to let sleep over take you. But it never came. A knot was forming in your veins. Last night was something you could not avoid dwelling on.

“I should go,” you murmured pulling away. He let you slip out from under his arm, turning on his side away from you as you scrounged his bedroom floor for your clothing. Once dressed you paused next to the bed, were you supposed to just leave? That didn’t feel right. You kneeled onto the bed, leaning over him and placing a chaste kiss on his cheek. You could have thought he had fallen back to sleep except for the slow puff of air he released from his nose. You drew away and he did not stop you, did not chase after you as you scooped your shoes up and shucked your purse over your shoulder. With a furtive glance back at the mop of darkened tresses, you left.

The house was silent and you padded out to the backdoor as quietly as you could. Not bothering to slip on your shoes as you closed the door behind you. You went from one gate to the next, deciding to enter your own house from the back door knowing the front had a tendency to groan on its’ hinges. You couldn’t avoid your father forever but you still were not ready to face him.

Alfred was waiting for you at the back door, tail flicking back and forth as he followed you down the hall. You allowed him entry into your room before you closed the door behind you. Immediately plugging in your phone and resting on the edge of your bed. You’d have a shower, eat something, and then deal with whatever today had in store. You wouldn’t spare a single thought to last night until you did those two things. Grabbing a towel from the laundry hamper at the end of the bed you trudged towards the bathroom. This time stopping Alfred before he could follow you in, he pawed at the door stubbornly.

The spray was refreshing. You leaned against the tile letting the cold water bite into your skin, aiding to alleviate some of the nausea. You shouldn’t have drunk so much last night. Hell you shouldn’t have done a lot of things. Whatever happened with Ben was going to bite you in the ass. You needed to be the bigger person, apologize and nip it in the bud. After all you were just two drunken idiots. Of course you were still mad, furious really but if it had the potential to rip you both apart it wasn’t worth it. You’d head back over later and suck up your pride. He had hurt you but ignoring him was just going to make things worse in the long run.

Well you were already fretting, too late now to stop. You’d never hear the end of this from your mother. She really had known better than you. But your father, you were dreading that more than ever. You knelt down in the tub, sitting cross legged and bowed your head. What would he say? What would he do? He was used to an obedient daughter that did no wrongs. You were a good kid but now you had proven you weren’t ‘trust worthy.’ He was going to kill you.  Maybe you’d lock yourself in your room for the rest of the day.

 

It was when you had dressed and tucked into a bowl of cereal that the inevitable presence of your father joined you. He sat down across from you, folding his fingers around each other in front of him on the table. You ignored him as best you could, shoveling the food into your mouth. You weren’t particularly hungry but if it helped with the hangover and you’d do just about anything. There was a throbbing behind each temple that you were intently ignoring.

“You didn’t answer your cell and you didn’t come home last night, would you like to explain why?” he asked you with minor patience. You gave a shrug that you knew he would find infuriating, taking another large spoonful of cereal and munching loudly. He paused waiting for you to finish but you took another bite, staring down into your bowl. “Have you disregarded the three terms of living here. Or have you simply forgotten them?”

No boys, no parties, and no staying out past curfew. Those were the terms you had both agreed on. “I remember them,” you mumbled scooping up and dumping the milk from your spoon distractedly.

“Then tell me, am I right in assuming you broke all three of these terms last night?” there was a bite in his tone and you shrank in your seat. He wasn’t supposed to know what you were up to. It was supposed to be a harmless party and now it was a mess. “Was it those solo boys?”

To this you finally met his gaze. There was a storm brewing in his irises that you knew would be unleashed. “They’re my friends, dad,” you retorted levelly. There was no way you were going to let him trample all over you, not this time. “I know I screwed up but they made sure I was safe – I’m to blame not them.”

He was unconvinced. “They were good kids in their youth but now they’re men and men have one thing on their mind,” you knew exactly what that one thing was without him saying it. “I don’t want them hanging around here. You can make plenty of new friends once school starts.”

“No,” you dropped your spoon loudly into your bowl, splashing milk up over the sides. He raised an eyebrow, challenging this behavior to continue. “You can’t try to tell me who I can be friends with. I’m not a little kid anymore; I can make my own decisions.”

 “Like the poor decisions you’ve made so far?” this was going to turn full blown if you continued. He wasn’t going to back down, that wasn’t what he did. He wanted you to remain the obedient child he had grown to know. “I don’t know what has gotten into you; your mother never had these problems with you. She called me twice last night, if your tuition this semester wasn’t already paid I’d have half a mind to send you right back to her.”

So he was going to resort to guilt. In actuality your parents had contributed little to your education. You were able to attend due to the scholarship you had earned. But if not for your father allowing you to live here you wouldn’t be able to afford living on campus.

“You want to control my life just like you controlled moms,” you shot back standing from your seat and kicking back the chair. “That’s why she left you. That’s why she took me across the country so that we could live without the constant guilt trip.” You were yelling now, the tears gathering in the corners of your eyes. It wasn’t something you couldn’t help, somehow the tears always showed once the fury pushed through.

He used your full name now, each syllable louder than the next. “You will sit down young lady!” he slammed a fist onto the top of the table startling Alfred who had been skirting around your ankles.

There was a point where you would have sat back down and hung your head but you had far crossed it.  Still you hovered beside your overturned chair. “I am not a little girl anymore, you cannot and will not choose who my friends are,” you shouted back. He was pushing his chair back but it was too late, you were headed for the front door. Scooping up your runners and slamming the front door behind you. You could hear him yelling from the doorstep but you kept walking, only slipping on your shoes once you were around the block. Then you were off at a run, putting as much distance between you as you could; headed in no particular direction.

This was just bloody fantastic. The first day that your father has come home and it had already broken into a spat; one that you’d surely suffer from later and it was impossible to be the bigger person with him. Mom had warned you this might happen. You shuffled for your phone in your pocket, closing your fingers tight around the case; you should call her and side your argument before she heard otherwise. No, that would just give your father the satisfaction in knowing just how rattled you were. In fact you would wait this out; he would only be home a couple of days before he was back out on the road. Then it would be another couple weeks before he came home. By then things would cool down.

It was inevitable that today would only get worse. You had been walking for ages, your legs now sore. The sky had been darkening overhead and if you had been thinking straight you would have thought up somewhere to take refuge when the sky opened up. But instead you were in the middle of an open school field when the heavens opened and you were immediately drenched. “Are you fucking kidding me!” the sky gave you a reply of a crack of thunder that was rather closer than you were comfortable with. Now the rain was mixing with the tears that had stained your cheeks the moment you had crossed the threshold out of the house.

By the time you made it beneath cover you were drenched to the bone. The closest thing in sight had been a playground off on the other side of the field. Water was still seeping down from the holes in the platforms above but it was considerably dryer beneath the slide. The rain didn’t seem to be letting up and there was no way you would be able to make it home after the mess you had created. So you called the one person who might still put up with you. The phone rang straight to voicemail. Maybe Kylo was done with your antics as well. Matt however answered after the third ring with a clipped greeting.

“Matty, are you home right now?” you hated to ask but there was no one else you could. Maybe Phasma but after dealing with you last night you refused to let yourself even send her the text she had made you promise to send last night.

“No, what’s wrong, are you okay?” there was a shrill concern in his voice. At least he still cared.

Should you tell him the truth? There was no point trying to hide what happened. “I got in a fight with my dad, I walked out and I can’t really go home right now,” you admitted meekly. Digging your toe into the dry gravel beneath the slide you frowned, the plastic platforms overhead dripping fat droplets onto your cheeks.

Matt sighed loudly on the other side. Wherever he was there was quite a bustle of activity in the background. “I won’t be home for a bit but I don’t think anyone else is home, the spare key is under the blue front planter you can let yourself in and hide out in my room for a while,” there was a pause afterwards with muffled voices. “I’m sorry I have to go, just text me, okay?”

The phone clung to your ear long after adieus.  Now you had a place to go but it was still quite the journey back.  Over a half hour run if you remembered correctly. You shuffled in your soggy shoes, if you stayed here until the rain stopped you were sure to catch a cold. There was no other option; you’d have to tough it back. With a heavy sigh you slung yourself back into the rain.

 

It took you an hour to make it back next door. Between walking and running, getting lost and having to use your GPS after the fourth wrong turn and eventually killing your battery you were finally fishing the spare key from beneath the planter. The house was as quiet as it had been when you had left this morning. The downpour had not slowed even a fraction on your journey back and you were thoroughly soaked, there wasn’t a part of you that felt dry in the slightest. You’d have to change out of these clothes so you wouldn’t track puddles through the house.

Heading down the hallway you paused in front of Matt’s room, you weren’t entirely comfortable wearing his clothes. You glanced down the hall to Kylo’s door. Well you _had_ borrowed a shirt last night; it couldn’t hurt to borrow a pair of pajama pants too. It wasn’t like anyone was home to stop you. You trudged down the hall, leaving a wet trail much like the slug you were beginning to feel like. Hand resting on the door handle as you chewed at your bottom lip. It was fine, you’d throw your clothes in the dryer and by the time anyone came home you’d either be hidden away in Matt’s room or fully dressed _and_ hidden away in Matt’s room.

Closing the door gently behind you, you immediately began to peel out of the denim clinging to your thighs. It was a chore and you fell into the wall as you shuffled the material down to your ankles. Shucking your socks off as you kicked your pants to the side. Only thinking to check to see if the blinds were shut when your fingers were gripping the hem of your shirt; they were shut but that wasn’t what made you freeze. “Shit,” you gaped open mouthed at Kylo who had finally taken notice to your intrusion. “I didn’t know you were home!” he plucked out his headphones, watching you with both eyebrows raised.

Heat flooded your cheeks and you took an embarrassed step back, reaching down to scoop up your sopping pants. “What happened?” it only took him three long strides to be at your side, taking your jeans from your hold with one hand and placing the other on your shoulder. As if he knew you would bolt should you be given the opportunity. “You can’t put those back on, they’re soaked,” he added gently as you reached back for them. Shrugging his hand off your shoulder until he let it fall limp at his side, you didn’t want his comfort right now. You didn’t know what you wanted. You didn’t know why you were here you could have hopped in your car and driven to the outskirts of town by now.

There was no way you could meet his eyes. Had you known he was home you would have sucked it up and worn something of Matt’s. Though he might have caught you lurking around the house at some point it would have been better than catching you like this. “Is it okay if we don’t talk about it?” he had asked you for the same request before now you had to hope he would uphold the same. The rage had been nailed back with rickety two by fours and if he were to pry the emotions would flood back into the open. He might not mind, he might even understand better than anyone else could but it wasn’t something you necessarily wanted to happen. The moment the wood splintered you’d be left to dig the pieces out of your palms. Yet still the tears were forming back in the corners and you bit at the inside of your cheek trying desperately to blink them out of your vision.

“You don’t have to pretend to be strong around me,” he remained hovering at your side. It was clear he was unsure how he should be comforting you. His fingers fidgeted at his side, watching your blotchy face warily. “I know it hurts, you don’t have to talk,” he added softly, holding out a hand for you to take. You hesitated, staring hard at the gesture. Kylo could be trusted; he’d proved that so far. What were you so afraid of? _Getting attached_.

It was already too late for that. But still you hesitated before taking his outstretched palm. Letting him lead you gently over to the bed to sit down on the edge, he was handling you with such care as if you were the most fragile thing he had held. His fingers interlocked with yours, using his thumb to stroke the back of your hand. It was calming and you found your rigid posture relaxing. You were shivering, droplets trailing down your back and thighs wetting the comforter bunched up under you. There would be a distinctive ass print from your wet underwear if you were to move but Kylo wasn’t making a fuss though his eyes were raking over you with concern.

He needed to stop watching you. There was only so much self-loathing you could handle in one day. “Kylo, stop,” you mumbled finally meeting his gaze. If only you hadn’t. It kept you there, trapped in the honeysuckle slivers of those chocolate brown irises. “Stop pitying me, I hate myself enough already,” how could you escape such an intense gaze, he had turned you to stone.

A hand cupped your cheek and you leaned into it. Eyes still locked with his. Why did this feel so intimate? So raw, intangible even while you could feel the calluses of each digit. Swallowing the lump growing in your throat you let out the shaky breath you’d been holding. The words were jumbling in your skull with everything you wanted to say, everything you needed to tell him. None of it would translate into words that could be pushed through your lips.

There was a point where you had to admit you were terrified. Certainly not of Kylo but of what this was. His hand so warm on your cheek was the only thing to off-kilter you towards reality. Would it have been just days ago you would not have thought any of this could have happened. This all could have been a figment of an over active imagination if not for the thick tether of emotion that was dragging you deep.

"You're over thinking," Kylo stated and your shoulders hunched. That was an understatement if ever there were one. 

"About last night-" you paused tentatively, lingering back in the depth of his gaze. His brow creased but he let you continue. "You didn't have to come get me, didn't have to let me sleep in your bed. And that kiss. I- I shouldn't have kissed you."

The hand on your cheek kept you from turning. His thumb rimming the curve of your bottom lip. "You blame yourself for every little indiscretion, did you stop to think that I might have wanted you to?" You hadn't. 

"Kylo," you protested softly. Not entirely willing to believe he wasn’t humoring you. His hand dropped from your cheek. Now running the ridges of his knuckles over your shoulder blades and into the mush of wet cotton.

“You’re going to catch a cold if we don’t get you dry,” he tugged lightly at the collar of your tshirt. He was right. The air conditioner had been blowing in cool air steadily into the sealed room. You pushed his hands away despite this fact. Not wanting him to see you even more exposed than you already were. Last night you at least had the cover of darkness and the confidence of drink. “I won’t look if you’d prefer.”

You nodded shyly and he turned his back to you. With shaking hands you peeled the cotton up and over your head, discarding it into a pile on the floor. Your undergarments followed soon after and you curled up beneath the safety of his blankets. “You can turn around,” you mumbled pulling the covers up to your chin. A damp patch had already begun to spread beneath your wet hair.

He laid out on the bed beside you, huddling you into his chest. The blanket acting as a barrier between your bodies. Part of you wished he would ignore the protests that would erupt and climb beneath the blankets with you.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” you murmured into his chest, eyes shut tight.

He ran a hand through the damp locks of your hair, watching the water droplets gathering on his skin. “I know there’s something wrong and I know you don’t want to talk about it,” he echoed blankly, resting his jaw over your temple.

There was a heavy lull in conversation. Part of you was itching to get your worries up and off of your chest. The other part wanted to remain here in silence letting him fuss over you so that you could forget the whole thing. You wouldn’t soon forget however. “We… My father and I got into a fight,” you mumbled, the material of his shirt brushing against your lips. The boards had begun to rock free, rearing through the anger you had first felt when you had walked out. You shuffled the covers down to free your arms, exposing the tops of your breasts. Beneath your chin you curled your fingers into his shirt, latching yourself to him. “He wants me to stop seeing you, all of you. Thinks I’m stupid and irresponsible and maybe he’s right.”

Kylo held you closer as your shoulders began to shake, securely wrapping an arm around your hip from under the covers forcing you to lean into his bicep. “I shouldn’t even be here Ky,” the emotion had gripped to the inside of your throat making you rasp weakly. He brushed the hair that had fallen onto your cheek, pushing it back behind your ear.

He hushed you gently, brushing back the tears that had spilled down the crests of your cheeks with his thumb. “I want you to be here,” he murmured with lips in your hair. You glanced up at him through your lashes, only able to see the slight stubble that had begun to grow on his jaw line from this angle. He was holding you tightly, crushing you into him. Needing this closeness just as much as you did.

“I’m nothing but a burden,” you argued in a whisper, diverting your gaze back to your fingernails clutched into his abdomen. Sniffling back anything more you might have added to that statement.

“No,” Kylo snapped heatedly, pulling back from you. Making you shrink under his fierce gaze. He raked a hand from your temple to your chin, forcing you  to look up at him. “You are _not_ a burden,” his gaze had turned gentle, loving, but his nose had scrunched with his snarl.

The breath ceased in your lungs, deflating them entirely with a gasp as his lips pressed into yours. His hand holding your chin captive even after your lips parted. “ _Never_ think that again,” his lips caressed his words onto yours, the slight contact sending a shiver down your spine. His nose brushed against you, your pulse rising drastically. “Say it,” he urged giving your lower lip a sharp nip.

“Kylo,” you protested with a frown. He gave you another nip, pulling back your lower lip and running the tip of his tongue along it. The heat of your cheeks spread to a full face flush. “W-what?” you gnawed on the inside of your cheek, wanting more than anything for his lips to devour your own. But you couldn’t utter those words for him, could barely form more than the two syllables of his name. Your breath was rattling nervously in your chest as you watched him, hoping he would pity your helplessness and indulge you.

He released your chin, drawing away with brows furrowed. You reached out for him, tangling a hand into the collar of his shirt, forcing your arm to extend in full to keep hold of him. “I can’t give you what you want until you tell me,” he raised a single brow, prying your fingers from the material. He laced his fingers through your outstretched hand, using it to roll you onto your back as he sat back on his knees hovering over you.

You cleared your throat, staring up at the ceiling. “W-what do you want me to say?” you glanced over to him, tugging him over with your intertwined digits. He slunk closer, using his forearms to support him as he settled above you, wedging between your legs. Through the blankets you could feel his body mold into you, his weight pinning you into the mattress.

Considering you for a moment a lopsided grin formed on his lips as he leaned down, mouth dragging into the uncovered skin of your throat. His teeth drug into your skin, lips mirroring a soft trail over the red line his teeth had left. Your breath was catching, fingertips twitching, a fire igniting between your thighs. If he wasn’t doing this intentionally then you couldn’t guess what game he was playing at. “Kylo,” you whined as you squirmed beneath him, free hand bunching up his shirt at his side exposing his skin.

He snatched up the hand at his side, pinning it alongside its’ mate with his other hand forcing you to arc your arm around your head. “You’re going to repeat what I’m going to say – can you do that for me?” he nuzzled his nose against your jaw and you puffed defiantly. He was treating you like a child. Despite that you nodded obediently, the ridge of his nose digging in with the action. “Good girl,” he chided giving the skin beneath your ear a light peck, his words stirring you hungrily. “ _I am not a burden, I have worth_ ,” he spoke clearly, closing his eyes and giving a nod to let you know that you were to parrot him.

Instead you glared, fusing your lips into a thin line. Your self-worth wasn’t what you wanted to focus on right now. You just wanted him to stop being an ass and kiss you already, enough of this teasing he seemed to be so fond of. After a minute of silence it was apparent you would get nothing out of him until you did. Fine, you’d give it a go as much as you utterly despised the idea; these were your own inner demons not something for him to toy with. “I’m not a burden-“ you paused your mouth feeling dry, the words sounding warped. “Kylo this is stupid!” you huffed looking away from him with a grimace.

Another pointed look, his free hand tilting your chin back up to face him. “Come on, you’re halfway there,” he tapped the bottom of your chin with the tip of his thumb. Suddenly his weight felt heavy, suffocating and you shifted uncomfortably. Gnawing at your bottom lip, refusing to look him in the eye. It was such a simple request,  a bird could even do it but still you were stumbling over the three words in your head. Those three words meant a lot more than you had ever truly thought to yourself. Kylo said your name gently, smoothing down the hair around your forehead, coaxing you to look back up at him. Those brown eyes were soft, welcoming.

Why did you hate to disappoint him like this? “I-I have… I have worth,” you spat out in a hiss, clenching your lids shut tight. There it was out, it was done.

His lips found yours, finally giving into the very base of your craving. Plump, pliant lips working slowly into yours. Forcing you into his pace if you wanted anything at all. “You’re such a good girl,” he purred huskily, lips never leaving yours. Coaxing you to open your mouth to him, to let him explore each part of you piece by piece with such infuriating ease. Tongue grazing into yours, brushing back over your molars, and skimming the roof of your mouth. Every part of you submitting to his administrations. After all you had earned this moment of luxury by giving him part of you.

Your wrists were twitching in his hold, desperate to tangle into his hair, to latch him against you where he would not be tempted to return to teasing. You wanted to touch him, feel every part of him as he was doing with you. He held you tighter but not painfully, only a slight sting of his nails pinching into your wrists. There was a throbbing heat that had you squirming your hips against him, grinding yourself along his pubic bone unabashed. He had left you with such little control, it was all you could do to keep your sanity. The slight friction enough to leave you whimpering, satisfying little. “Kylo please,” you bit lightly on his top lip, sucking it into your mouth until it came out red and puckered.

His hips stuttered, granting you the friction you had desired. The moan traveling from your mouth and directly into his as his tongue swept around yours. A second thrust, an intentional one that drug directly into your swollen nub making you arch into him. Through the barrier of both comforter and jeans you could feel the distinct bulge of his cock as he ground himself between your thighs. It reminded you of being with your first boyfriend – rutting against one another and it ending just as you began to get something out of it; that would not be the case here, each time he rolled his hips you were mewling in response.

“God you’re beautiful,” he murmured in the free moment of your parted lips before closing that short distance. The hand on your chin grazing down your throat before settling on the swell of your breast. Squeezing and molding it with the blankets barrier, the material catching on your hardened nipples. He tugged down the blanket, massaging the skin in his oversized palm. Brushing his thumb over the sensitive peak before freeing the rest of your chest. Finally releasing your wrists so that he could run both hands along your chest, nails tweaking into the hardened buds making you hiss.

Your core was clenching, needing to be filled. You could feel the distinct wetness slicking the sheets, making a mess of you. With free hands you tugged at his shirt, steadily gathering it to his chest. He paused, separating himself to throw the garment to the side. Hands immediately clutching to his shoulders, running nails over the expanse of muscles beneath your fingertips. His skin was radiating heat and you molded yourself around him the best you could.

“Would you get under here already?” you growled into his lips, trying to tug the blanket from between you. He obliged, rolling off beside you and pulling the covers over you both to keep you warm. Hands immediately latching back onto you, tugging at your thighs to straddle his lap. “Ky, stop teasing me,” you whined into the ghosting weight his fingers were trailing.

He huffed a chuckle, lacing a hand into the tresses at the back of your head and bringing your face back down to his. Kissing you hard and deep, making you whimper in his mouth. Touch skimming  along your side, gripping your ass, grazing between your thighs. A finger played along your slit, parting your pussy's lips and circling your entrance. Already you were shifting your hips, coaxing him into a firmer touch. “Is this what you want, princess?” a finger sunk into your entrance and he smirked as your body responded. Walls holding tight to the intrusion, your fingernails digging into his shoulders. The honey brown of his eyes searched yours and you nodded, thighs trembling as he inserted a second digit.

Angling his fingers forward he massaged the front of your cunt’s walls. The pleasure focused in the exact right spot. “Mm, fuck,” you whimpered softly into the crook of his neck. Afraid to break the silence beyond these doors in case anyone was to come home. Your mewls spurred him on, the strokes increasing in intensity. Until you were a mess of shuddering thighs and pants above him, feeling the sweet coax of release breaching the horizon. Still without pressure on your clit you doubted he could bring you to orgasm; merely edge you until you were begging.

His cock was straining painfully in his jeans. The hand in your hair moving to unzip the denim and allowing the head to poke out from his boxers.  He sighed contently returning his full attention back to you. His second hand squeezing your ass cheek and holding you steady. A third finger worked its way into you, stretching you taunt. “Such a tight little pussy,” he purred, giving your ass a hard slap that had you clenching hard around his digits. He spat out a curse rocking his hips against your thigh. The precum staining your skin as he ground against you, building friction. His cock was flushed red, drooling but he wouldn’t indulge himself yet, he was not finished with you.

 You were so close it was painful. The pressure was straining hard in your core. You tried to buck down, to grind your clit against him but he was holding you rigidly in place. “Do you want to cum on these fingers?” he grazed his thumb over you clit making you shudder. _More than anything_. The words didn’t want to form and so you nodded, nipping the skin at his clavicles. His thumb ran circles over the throbbing nub, barely enough pressure to be considered touching. Your cunt was pulsing, readying for the final accent. “That’s it, you can do it,” he flicked his thumb again, your moans catching on the corners of the room. Almost there. “Cum for me princess,” he pressed hard into your clit rubbing it back and forth. With a wail you spilled for him, vision hazing as you slumped onto him. His fingers working into you until the tremors were at bay.

With a slick pop he withdrew his fingers, running them along his tongue to taste you. You watched him shyly, biting at your bottom lip waiting for him to finish. He offered his third finger out to you, the final digit to be cleaned and you took it into your mouth. Running your tongue between the digits and suckling. You tasted tarte and he popped his finger from your lips once it was clean.

He reached an arm to the side to his nightstand, fishing blindly in the drawer before withdrawing a crinkling foil. He placed it beside him on the pillow. He was still lazily grinding against you, his eyes closing as he let out a shuddered breath. You sat up, cunt now flush with his half concealed member. He cracked an eye open, fingers wrapping around each of your hips. You drew back his boxers, running a finger along the underside of his cock and watching him twitch in response.

Wrapping your fist around him you slowly pumped him in your hand, watching his face contort. Fingers pinched into your hips painfully; there would be bruises to match shortly after. He was rolling his hips in sync with you, panting heavily. He pushed your hand aside not long after, reaching for the condom foil beside his head. Determined to be inside of you.

He jerked your hips forward, aligning his cock at your entrance. Testing a thrust upwards, catching the beginnings of your inner walls. Then he was sinking up into you, straining your walls with his girth. Both of you forced to a pause, allowing your bodies the moment to adjust.

Planting both hands on his chest you slowly rolled your hips; feeling every inch of him. Fuck, were all three of them like this? So far it was a solid 2 for 2. Not that you had any plans to chase this curiosity. Girls must be all over the three of them. The next thrust he met halfway breaking you of intelligible thought.

Your nails dug into him, back arching as he took over your pace. If he was trying to be gentle it didn’t show. He was slamming his hips up into you, supporting you with a piercing grip. He was knocking into your cervix every time from this position, spreading a mix of pleasure and pain. You wouldn’t have stopped him even if you could. The slick sounds of skin on skin a sharp contrast to the quiet of the rest of the house. To top it all off he was fucking you into silence; your mouth gaped but not a sound able to pass.

He planted each foot squarely on the bed, tipping you forward with the action. Now he had more traction. Able to control each thrust; every part of your cunt now squeezing around him with vigor. He could make you cum again, possibly just like this. Your thighs were quivering, lungs gasping for breath.

Kylo was staring up at you through hooded lids. Sweat beading down his forehead and chest. Hair falling in his eyes constantly with every thrust. His lip gnawed between his clenched teeth. He seemed even farther gone than you were. Chasing his orgasm with a vengeance.

Just like before you were close, the walls of your pussy sending tremors around him. His dominate hand drew from your side, licking at his thumb and swirling it clockwise over your clit. You whimpered, the most you could get out while he was still fucking you with such ferocity. Clenching tighter onto his cock, you were there too soon. Pleasure flaring through every neuron, surrendering yourself to him. His thumb retreating only as you started to overstimulate. He outlasted you by only minutes; his hips finally stilling after you were certain he was about to completely buck you off of his lap. He grew still, panting hard, fisting back his hair from his face.

Carefully you climbed out of his lap, resting beside him on the bed. Completely spent. He pulled you closer, letting you rest on his chest. His lips pressing lightly to your temple. He held you for what felt like hours. Moving only to discard the condom before returning to you. Cuddling you tightly to his side as you felt sleep tugging at your heels. You could have stayed like this forever.

 

Kylo had scooped up your now damp clothing and headed to the laundry room. He'd been gone a while now. Anxiety was flaring in your chest. Against what you figured could have been your better judgement you slipped on the shirt you had borrowed. You had only fallen asleep for a little while. In his closet you snagged a pair of ill-fitting pajama pants. You were forced to tie them tight around your hips and cuff them multiple times to avoid tripping on them. Then you hobbled your way out of his room, padding barefoot down the carpeted halls. Being careful not to step on the creaking floorboards that you could still strategically recall from childhood, one creak would be enough to give you away.

You had no reason to sneak around. As far as you knew no one was home. But as you approached the basement door that was proven otherwise; two voices were drifting up from under the door and despite good judgement you gently opened the door and began padding down the steps. 

You hated this basement. It was cold, dark, and even if all the lights were on shadows clung to the corners. The stairs had gaps between each step perfect for snapping someone's ankles out from under them. That wasn't enough to stop you from clinging to the handrail as you descended into near darkness. The light was on in the laundry room and you skirted the walls over towards it. Hovering silently by the door frame just barely out of sight as you listened intently.

"I can't believe you let her play you," the scoff was laced with a bite and it came directly from the brother closest to the door; Ben. He had his arms crossed tightly across his chest mirroring Kylo who was leaned against the humming dryer. "I'm just trying to warn you. I mean she did it to me what's to say she won't do it to you?"

Kylo sneered, rolling his eyes; a classic response from the eldest triplet. "Am I really supposed to believe she slept with you? This is so you, Ben, the moment either Matt or I are interested in someone you latch on like a fucking mosquito," he snapped raising an eyebrow. 

Oh, fuck. They were talking about you. Any other time you would have no right listening in to what they were saying but this was _you_ they were bickering over. So much for being the bigger person. He was trying to sabotage everything. For what reason - revenge? He was the one that had fucked this up in the first place!

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Ben shot back, taking a step back towards the doorway. A step closer to where you were playing espionage. "I'm just trying to keep you from getting hurt again. I mean are you even really ready for something like this? You're still wounded from what he-"

Kylo chucked something in Ben's direction that Ben dodged letting it hit against the far wall with force. "Don't you fucking bring that up, you don't know shit and you don't get to lecture me," his voice was raw with anger and you stiffened into the wall. "You are just so full of yourself. Can't stand that maybe she'd want me over you. Obviously that's the case - the only reason you're down here is because you woke up to us fucking. You can't stand she'd pick me over you, admit it."

This was going too far. You should leave. Maybe Kylo wasn't buying what Ben was saying but there was a hint of truth. You had slept with Ben and maybe it was slightly due to this that you had turned to Kylo. But that wasn't the whole thing. How could you get that through both of their heads? 

Ben let out a gritted laugh. Nothing playful hinted in his voice. "I'm trying to help you Kylo, I don't want that slut to hurt you like she did me," his words pierced you. You could feel your nails raking your palms. That was it; he'd get no apology not now, not ever. 

There were many things you should have done. Listening to the shrill ring of your self-conscience would have helped but you were fuming. Hardly thinking a single coherent thought past repeating Ben's words. Did he think you had no back bone? Well you would show him. 

Your feet moved of their own accord, moving you to stand in the light of the doorway. "I'm the slut that hurt _you_? You're such a joke," Kylo was the first to lock onto you as Ben swiveled on his heel gaping. Neither of them had expected to see you standing there supporting your trembling body with an arm on the doorway. 

Bens jaw was now locked and his gaze shifted from yours. Could that have been regret shining in his eyes? It didn't matter. "Is it true?" Kylo asked with a hitch in his throat watching you with an expression of stone. 

You shook your head no. You hadn't played Ben. "So you didn't sleep with him?" Kylo pressed raising his chin with nostrils flared. 

"Go on, tell him the truth sweetheart," Ben mocked with a glinting smile. You had never thought they could be so cruel. But there was a territorial fever coursing through the basement.

You bit at your bottom lip staring at the ground. You couldn't lie to Kylo but how could you phrase it so he understood. "Ben and I hooked up," you admitted as gently as you could. "But that had nothing to do with you and I. I swear it didn't."

"I told you," Ben bit. He was standing there so smugly having proven he was right. 

You turned on the middle child. What the hell right did he have, he started all of this. "What the fuck is your problem, Ben?" Your voice was rising into a shout. "Are you really that insecure?"

Bens gaze narrowed into a glare. That was what this was. If he couldn't have you then neither could Kylo. "He deserves to know the truth don't you think?" He tilted his head to the side mocking the gesture you had once found so endearing. 

You were ready to leave him with the black eye he deserved. "Ben, stop," Kylo replied coolly. His eyes were trained on you. Whatever tenderness you had reveled in had drained, black emotionless pits had replaced the gold in his eyes.

“I would never use you, Kylo,” you growled weakly, wrapping your arms around your torso. Finally caving to the inevitable. He had made up his mind the moment you had admitted to sleeping with Ben. He would never trust you, never love you. Nothing could rectify the fact that he felt used and betrayed; much like Ben had left you the previous night.

Once again you had fucked up simply by letting your more primal instincts take hold. Sex was so much more powerful a thing than you could ever remember it being. Now Kylo would wonder if you were truly the harlot Ben had painted you up to be. But you weren’t, this indiscretion was framing you as someone different entirely. You weren’t the type of girl to sleep around. Yet you had. Maybe you didn’t know who you were anymore.

“I think you should leave,” Kylo’s voice was void of emotion. It cut deep. Even deeper than with Ben. Your heart descended into the slots of your ribcage, beating weakly.

“Kylo, please,” you argued taking another step towards him. If you left now how would you salvage any of this. He flinched back from your touch, taking a stride backwards so that you were no longer within arms-reach. His expression guarded above all else. “Don’t do this. Please, j-just talk to me.” At least you weren’t crying though with the well building in your throat it wasn’t far off.

Ben had grasped onto your arm, pulling you back away from Kylo and towards the door. “Don’t you fucking touch me, Ben!” you shook him off roughly. Spinning on your heel to face him, teeth bared. A snarl rising in the back of your throat, fists clenched at your sides. To anyone else you might have looked imposing but he met you with the same ferocity.

If not for the body struggling between you and separating you both you would have lunged. The hand wrapped around your upper arm was a vice you couldn’t struggle out of. “What the hell is going on here?” Matt’s voice was the only level one in the room. None of you had heard him come in. He was flustered, eyes snapping between the three of you.

Ben took a step back, leaning against the door frame, eyes still burning into you straight through Matt. Kylo had settled back against the dryer, arms folded across his chest and meeting no one’s gaze. You glanced back at the eldest brother, teeth grinding in frustration.

“No one cares to explain?” Matt’s fingers curled more tightly into your bicep. Maybe he felt your willingness to bolt. It was too late for you to salvage this situation. He sighed shifting his gaze back to you. What could you even say to explain this to him? That you slept with both of his brothers and now they were having a spat over how they both no longer wanted you? If they wanted to tell him then fine, but you weren’t going to be the one to do it.

No one was going to listen to your side of this. You choked back the stutter of your breaths, willing the anxiety to leave. It was over, all of it. “Matt, let me go,” your voice was gentle but rough. You had broken in front of Kylo and that would be the last time any of the triplets would see you break. Now you had to be strong because you didn’t have anyone else.

Matt let you go albeit unwillingly. You gave him a small smile, the most you could manage. Brushing past him towards the doorway. Ben didn’t budge, your shoulder grazing into him as you shuffled past. No on called back for you, no one asked you to stay. You took the stairs three at a time, closing the basement door behind you with a soft click. You stood in the hallway a moment, lost. You couldn’t stay here.

It wasn’t much of a decision to have to make, gathering your phone from Kylo’s nightstand, slipping back on your damp shoes and closing the front door behind you. Leaving the spare key back under the blue planter where it belonged; someone would move it elsewhere after this spat. It was still raining and you walked back to your own house, knocking on the front door. Your change in clothing would be questioned and if they simply decided to dispose of your clothes still in the dryer it wouldn’t matter to you. Nothing mattered right now.

The door opened for you and you stepped in, kicking your shoes to the side. Your father was watching you with a scowl, closing the door behind you. He was still in the mood to fight but you were not. “I’m sorry about everything, I won’t be seeing them anymore,” he let you shuffle away back to your room without another word.

Closing the ladybug patterned curtains you sat on the edge of your bed, head cradled in your hands. Mind for once blank. Numb. School started in two weeks. You had until then to figure some alternative out. You took your phone from your pocket, staring at the unopened texts and voicemails. You deleted them; all of them without reading a single one. Opening up a new conversation and typing in the recipient. The curser blinked in wait for your message. You wrote four words to the only person you could think of that might care. To phasma you wrote; _I fucked up again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feel train has now arrived at its second destination. I warned heart strings would be pulled and this is only the start. (Please feel free to hate me I thrive on this bullshit). For some reason I struggled writing the smut for this more than absolutely everything else so if it's weird that's all on my struggles/writers block. I hope you all enjoyed! As always your kudos/comments literally keep me going otherwise I would have 0 motivation to complete absolutely anything!


	5. Black Sun

The first week passed by as if time itself had stopped. Phasma had told you to try to think on the bright side. You weren’t seeing a bright side in all of this. You had too much time to yourself now, too much time to over think.

The spat with your dad had ended the moment you had walked back in from the front door. He didn’t ask questions, your sulking was enough to convince him. If it hadn’t then it was solidified when Matt had come over asking for you – you’d holed yourself in your room and shut off your cellphone for the rest of the night. In fact Matt was the only one of the three that was putting in an effort to coax you from whatever the hell this had become. He texted you daily despite receiving no response, you hated yourself for doing this to him.

It was in the start of the second week that things started to look up, although slightly. Your father had returned back on the road and you were left to wallow away in your own self-pity. Phasma however was having none of that. You had been lazily searching for a job since moving here and the blonde had somehow arranged an interview for you at the school library. It would be a simple job – putting books away, managing the counter when the self-check outs were temperamental; easy thoughtless work. It wouldn’t pay much but it would consume your time between and after classes, even give you a bit of spending money so you no longer had to rely on your father for groceries.

When you’d gone in there hadn’t even been a formal interview. Just a couple of questions and you’d got the job. Phasma must have really played you up. You’d start the next day. There would be scheduled shifts but most of the work was a first come first serve basis for hours. So you could show up and start working even if you were not scheduled and that worked perfectly for you. The school store was also connected to the library for materials that could not be checked out, you’d be splitting your time between the two for the next while until farther into the semester when the store settled down. Thank god you had met Phasma, she was the closest thing to sanity you had.

 

 

You showed up to work the next day at the crisp hour of 7am. Anxiety was coursing heavily beneath your skin even if you knew the job would be simple. There were a couple other first years along with you, you all huddled awkwardly together in silence as the rest of the employees talked amongst themselves. You were split off into groups to train with others that had been here longer soon after.

You’d been paired with a rather handsome third year. He’d introduced himself as Poe, his smile spoke volumes. He was eager to help you and kind when you became flustered. Just the sort of person you figured Matt would be friends with; there you went thinking about one of the brothers _again_. Shaking your head and ignoring the sudden shift in thought you returned to listening to Poe’s smooth voice.

The store opened two hours later. The library would be closed until the semester officially started so you’d be spending the rest of the day at the tills. Thankfully Poe was still at your side, providing assistance should you need it which you did more often than not. The system was old and finicky, taking a finesse to navigate without it freezing.

Midday was when the store became busy. Poe had left your side for a good five minutes before you became flustered. Not with the work but with who was currently waiting in line; they just _had_ to travel in a freaking pack like wolves. You’d done such a good job at avoiding them too. Phasma had warned you this might happen, she had also told you that you couldn’t hold a grudge forever.

Your heart was pounding in your eardrums, focusing hard on ignoring them. Smiling politely to your current customer, ringing them in with shaking hands. The line was moving faster than it should be. They’d been near the back when you had last looked up. Now they were near the front. If another till didn’t open you’d be stuck in a hairy situation. As you were handing the customer their books Matt caught your eye. He leaned over to Kylo, murmuring something to him to which Kylo passed him his books and headed out of the store. The eldest triplet wouldn’t even spare you a glance. He repeated much the same with Ben whose eyes snapped up to yours, he shook his head, taking his books and moving back to pick out a few more things. In this short amount of time a second cashier opened, Matt was next in line but he motioned the person behind him to go. He was waiting for you.

If there was no shame in bolting you would have. But you needed this job, Phasma had put her neck out to help you get it you couldn’t just walk out. Your eyes scanned for Poe but he was chatting with a customer – chatting with Ben. Had Matt asked him to do that? Probably not.

The thump of books being placed in front of you made you jump. “Hi,” Matt offered almost shyly as if he hadn’t been texting you the past nine days trying to get you to talk to him. He didn’t look upset. In fact he seemed glad to finally see you. At least you’d taken the time to cover the bags under your eyes before coming to work this morning.

“Hey,” you mumbled slowly pulling a book towards you to scan it. Staring down intently at the bar code. This wasn’t happening, he was just another customer. His hand brushed yours as he passed you a second book and you looked up. “Matt-“ you sighed glumly returning to silence unsure what you were even about to say.

“When do you get off work?” he asked gently handing you another book.

“In an hour,” you shrugged trying not to think about why he was asking.

You had run out of books, staring at him blankly. Lost to your own thoughts. His brothers were done with you, surely he must know what had happened. The three of them were very close after all. “Go out with me,” you couldn’t have heard him say that right. Brow furrowing trying to understand. “After work, I’d like to take you out if you let me,” he clarified, the gears in your brain were turning slowly.

“Wait, on a date?” you gawked at him dumbly and he nodded. His cheeks had begun to redden and he glanced behind him at the large line. “Matty I don’t think, I mean I like you but… that would be a bad idea. Kylo and Ben-“ you ended your sentence by shaking your head.

He brushed a hand through his blonde hair, biting at his lower lip. “I don’t care what happened, that doesn’t matter to me,” he was fishing his wallet out of his pocket while saying it. “It doesn’t have to be a date. Just let me take you out for coffee or whatever you’d like, please.” Those brown doe eyes were drawing you in. Really you knew you shouldn’t, it was a bad idea. You’d further the wedge between him and his brothers.

Poe had returned to your side, spurring you to finish the transaction, good thing the other cashiers could get people in and out so quickly. Matt was watching you helplessly. He cared, despite everything his brothers had told him and what he had seen he still cared. “Okay, meet me after work,” you could feel Poe’s eyes on you and you hurriedly handed Matt the bags of books. A smile brightening his features as he nodded. You hadn’t specifically agreed to anything just that you’d see him after work. That way you weren’t obligated. That way you wouldn’t have to feel guilty.

Now to make the hour pass, that shouldn’t be hard. Though now the minutes felt like hours. At least it was still busy otherwise you’d be twiddling your thumbs while the anxiety rocked through you. Still, Matt _wanted_ to see you, to spend time with you – part of you was jumping for joy.  The part that clearly didn’t know any better.

You were lost in your own mind; weren’t you always. Moving through customers on autopilot. Had you known Ben had joined back in queue you would have taken that exact moment to feign illness. Instead he was standing in front of you, watching his presence dawn on you, a smug self-satisfying glint catching in each iris. Your lips pursed, reaching forward towards the books he had piled in front of you. His hand snapped forward, curling fingers over the top of your hand. “Ben,” you warned smoothly, eyes slitting dangerously. These were not games you were going to play with so many witnesses.

“You really ought to be careful with Matt, he’s fragile,” there was no hint of kindness in that quirked smile. Your eyes registering the tense posture he’d taken, defensive, vulnerable. As if you might leap the desk to drive your fist into his jaw.

With a barely concealed snarl you shook off his hand, moving once again to scan the books. Of course he would know what Matt had asked you, he had the cunning attributes of a hawk. “You never thought that of me before you wrenched my heart out,” you spat back under your breath, shrinking under the sudden interest Poe had begun to take in the two of you.

Ben’s jaw clenched, his hands returning to his sides. His features softening with the blow you had just placed, returning him to you as the boy you had once known so fondly. He was lost, aching even and you wished you hadn’t taken notice to it. Wished you hadn’t started this chain reaction that had brought you all here.

He paid in solemn silence, fingers brushing into yours as he took the bag from your hold. Eyes not catching yours, remaining dull and quieted. “Ben,” you called after him, biting hard into your tongue after, _you had no right_. He glanced back up at you offering a glint of a smile before he made his way, shoulders slumped, out of the cramped store.

Your heart felt heavy yet empty all in one. This was too much. This constant tear at emotions was going to rip you in two.      

 

 

The Starbucks was considerably busy for 1pm on a Wednesday. Matt sent you to find seats while he waited in line, watching you from the corner of his eye, worried you might change your mind and leave. You sat down at a quiet table near the back that was sheltered by a number of tall fake plants. Watching Matt with your chin rested in your palm. You hadn't expected any of this, even with his constant bout to grab your attention the past few days.

He sat down across from you a couple minutes later placing a cup in front of you. You clasped onto the drink, curling your fingers around the sleeve until the contents was burning you through the cup. Scared to meet his eyes you chewed on your lip until he murmured your name softly and you glanced up. His lips curled into a soft smile, resting his hand palm up on the table for you to take. Your fingers curled tighter around your beverage and he flipped over his palm to tap distractedly on the table instead.

"How are you doing?" He pressed with forced gentleness. Eyes a wash of emotions, sipping at his coffee while you fidgeted with the sleeve of your cup. You shrugged and his look was pointed.

"Bitter? I'm not sure what you're expecting," you muttered taking a long gulp that seared going down.

He nodded as if this was expected which it should have been. "I'm sorry for all of this," he apologized.

"This is my own fault," you grimaced running your burnt tongue over the roof of your mouth.

Matt's brows laced as he solemnly shook his head. "It's ours," he exhaled picking at the sleeve of his drink so he could avoid making eye contact. He bit at his bottom lip before he spoke again. "We've been fighting over you since you first came over. We promised not to let it separate us. That we wouldn't interfere with one another." He paused taking a quick sip. "Obviously that failed."

"I don't get it," you sighed heavily massaging at your temples. Kylo had hinted at this yet you still were having trouble believing it. If they all wanted you so badly how had you ended up feeling so unwanted.

Matt's fingertips grazed yours and you finally offered your hand for him to lace his fingers through; you needed the contact as much as he did. "Do you remember what we were like growing up?"

"We were close," you nodded watching your interlocked fingers.

"Yeah but do you remember how much Ben, Kylo, and I fought?" He was testing the waters building up to something. Finally you met his gaze uncertain you wanted to hear what he was about to say. "Even back then we fought over who got to spend time with you the most. I think that's when this all started. When you moved we were all so lost. It wasn't like we forgot about you it's just we tried to move on. Now with you being back here it's all flooded back."

"You're suggesting..." it wasn't plausible, couldn't be right. You were just roaming over wishful thinking.

"That you were the first girl any of us loved," he spoke with such finality that you couldn't argue, only stare at him dumbly. He offered you a shy grin despite the way you were frowning.

Their first love, that was ridiculous. But you had felt the same way hadn’t you? Only now were you realizing the true reason you were left aching after you’d left. You’d loved all of them. You wouldn’t allow those feelings to translate over to the present. Those were from your past self, the naïve feelings of a child who did not truly understand love. “Is that why you’re here now?” an accusing bitter tone that you couldn’t help bite at your inner cheek watching Matt’s face fall from its grin.

He cleared his throat, rubbing his thumb  over your knuckles soothingly. “No,” the admittance surprised you. “I-I want to know the person you are now, not the person you were. It’s been over ten years. I guess I just want to know if there’s something?” He pushed his glasses back up his nose, allowing his gaze to settle over you.

That made sense. Still you faced hesitance; Kylo and Ben had stripped you to the core. If you allowed Matt past the skin he could break you as surely as his brothers had. You didn’t want to be the toy they passed back and forth. “I don’t know,” you mumbled flatly, taking a drink and rolling it around your tongue, feeling the burn of it lingering between your teeth.

“I understand,” he unlaced his hand from yours, gripping it around his cup and staring down at the table.

“No, Matt,” you reached back for him, gently prying his fingers from his drink and gripping him tightly. Not willing to let go if he tried to draw away again. Needing the physical connection while you sorted through your disjointed thoughts.  How were you feeling? Scared, hesitant, elated. More so the last of those three at the moment. With a deep breath you gave his hand a tight squeeze. “I’m scared to jinx how I’m feeling right now.”

He raised an eyebrow, a smirk growing at the corners of his lips. “I know I asked you for a date but I just – I need to know you’re okay,” he was speaking low and you had to lean forward in your seat to hear him. Your heart fell an inch in your chest; were you even okay?  He noticed the way your face scrunched and continued. “You were just gone, as if you’d disappeared completely and I don’t want that to happen again. If I have my way it won’t happen again.”

Now your heart was inching its way into your throat. You were such an idiot. Blocking the one person who truly cared out of your life. Surely you could risk giving him a chance.

But what if you hurt him. That was what you were good at doing after all. You took no prisoners, you spilt blood. Could Matt truly handle what you were down to the grain. He might not like what he found.

“One date,” your decision was final.

 

 

It was a disaster. Truly, a first date should never have been like this. You’d gone into it with skepticism and now? Fuck it had hit you hard. It wasn’t that the date was bad, no not at all. It was the best you’d ever been on. But that wasn’t the problem here.

When had it started – midway at the arcade? No, more likely it surfaced a bit earlier on than that. It was hard to track that sliver of a moment when the light flickered just right and suddenly you were watching the world through a different lens entirely. Authors liked to call it ‘rose tinted glasses’ you liked to call it ‘being a fucking idiot.’ As if you hadn’t made enough of a mess for yourself.

It had started so innocent. Matt had met you at the arcade a mere hour after you’d gone for coffee. He hadn’t wanted to wait lest you changed your mind. You both had driven their separately – a term you had made him agree on.

The arcade was remarkably tame though you should have suspected as much, it was a Wednesday afternoon after all. Matt had out right refused to let you buy any tokens. Steering you over to the air hockey table first thing; even though he was awful at it and you won all three games you both played. He even let you boast over your winnings like the child you were.

Next you’d moved on to various retro arcade games. Matt beat you by three levels in Pacman. You beat him once out of three times at streetfighter. You’d both lost horribly playing Jurassic park as well as House of the Dead. To no surprise of your own he excelled in every racing game leaving you in the dust.

Somehow also defeating you entirely in DDR. That was when you noticed it. Your heart racing as you hopped from one foot to the next watching the small arrows speeding up the screen. Matt right there next to you, beads of sweat cresting the ridge of his nose, his glasses slipping out of place. He was beating you, horribly so, you were way too uncoordinated for this sort of thing. He was grinning from ear to ear like a dork, hitting each arrow popping out an ‘awesome’ every other step. You stopped, the screen no longer your focal point.

“Matt,” you could taste his name rolling over your tongue. He looked over at you concerned, your tone had chipped. And you were tumbling forward, fingers grasping into the cotton of his shirt and molding him into you. Lips crushing into his as you stood on the tips of your toes to make contact. Though he was stunned he bent lower allowing your lips to shove headily into his. You didn’t know what had transformed your thoughts into action. But you needed this, needed him and some steadfast kiss wasn’t going to sate that.

He pulled away before your hands had a chance to wander, his cheeks flushed a bright pink. The game in front of you ringing a warning before it flashed the bright red words of ‘ ** _LOSER_**.’

“Guess that means I win,” you smirked not feeling the confidence behind the action. The impulse had been immediate and you were choking it down from repeating itself. Eyes hungrily  roaming over the blonde; you had turned entirely predatory.

He rolled his eyes with a huff. “An unfair win if I’ve ever seen one,” he was watching you just as carefully. Could he feel how his gaze was tearing you down piece by piece? Suddenly you felt exposed, nervous, turning on your heel and stepping off of the platform.

“Come on I’ll kick your ass at mini golf,” you  held back a hand for him expectantly, staring hard ahead. Moving only as his fingers laced with yours and you were dragging him down the steps towards the course.

Even having the soft brush of his arm against yours was rising the heat in your cheeks.  This was such a rash decision, all of this. You gave his hand a small squeeze, falling in pace next to him, afraid to sever your grasp on him even as he was handing you the small putter and marching you towards the first hole.

The course was remotely empty save a group of teen’s three holes ahead of you both. The dingy basement the course was constructed in had black lights strung all up above in the rafters. Matt’s hair was glowing a soft blue from the lights and his teeth shone as he gave you a wide toothed grin.  Setting up his ball and hunching down to swing at it, the ball ricocheting off the small stone curb to roll a foot farther back than where he had teed off. You tried to stifle to giggle with a hand clenched between your teeth as he went at it again; the picture of such a large man having to bend over so far to use the child sized putter enough to make you howl with laughter. Matt straightened up pursing his lips, the ball once again back at his feet.

“This was much easier when we were kids,” he muddled, running a hand distractedly through his locks.

“Your swing is all wrong,” you chuckled placing your hands over his as he hunched over again. It was such a ridiculous position, your small body craning around Matt’s , hips pressed into his, arms barely able to reach around him. He humored you, allowing you to guide his hands and the putter to tap the ball towards the hole. It grazed the side of the hole, now sitting directly beside it. “If you can’t get it in from there you’re going to put me into hysterics,” you warned with a wink watching him slowly pry from your awkward hold.

With a final tap the ball was in its’ mark. You threw up your arms, lowering them in a bow that grazed the ground making Matt roll his eyes with a smirk. “Smart ass,” he muttered bending over to retrieve the ball and standing to the side in wait for you to take your turn.

Unlike Matt you did not require to hunch over like the hunchback of Notre dame to hit the ball. Lining up you gave it a firm tap directing it into an instant hole in one. “See, that’s how it’s done,” you stuck your tongue out at him as he puckered his lips sourly, keeping his eyes on you as you bent to retrieve the fluorescent orange ball.

The next hole was much the same. Matt’s hulking figure was simply no match for his small neon green ball. He was spending more time chasing after it then he was taking shots at the hole. It was rather amusing and though you could tell he was becoming frustrated he met you with a flashing smile each time he returned with it grasped in a fist in his palm.

“Obviously you’ve had more practice,” he balked as you tapped it easily home. So far you’d been able to hit the ball in with less than 3 moves for the past seven holes. You plucked up the ball and headed for the next, placing your ball on the Astroturf and giving it a small nudge, it shot straight into the dipped sandpit where you scowled, trudging over to dig it out. “And her luck runs short!” Matt smirked leaning back on one of the fake hollowed blue rocks surrounding the perimeter.

“Oh hush,” you grumbled sending him a glare. When you were sure he wasn’t looking you nudged the ball out with your foot, scooping it up with the side of your sneaker and sending it rimming your objective.

Matt was on you in seconds, “you little cheater.” Not as sneaky as you thought you’d been. You skirted away from him, trying to avoid his hands grasping after you.

“Opportunist!” you retorted stumbling back over the ledge of the course in your retreat. He caught you before you had a chance to topple over, pressing your back snuggly into his chest. You squirmed in his arms, dropping your putter onto the ground, “Matty!”

“You’re such a brat, I shouldn’t have guessed you’d play fair,” he sighed, nose nuzzling into the side of your neck. Your pulse shot to the roof, inwardly begging him to nip into the skin his lips were ghosting over. Needing him to make the jump from playful to devious but he unwrapped you all too soon and you were left pouting, snatching your putter up from the floor. It was a bad idea, you were letting your urges get the best of you but the more you watched him the hungrier you became. You returned to your glowing target, scowling at it as you hit it into the tunnel and it plopped out the other side a few feet away.

Matt was already swiping at his ball, finally sinking it into the tunnel after the fourth shot. You followed him over to the next area, taking your turn to bat it towards the goal. Without cheating it took you a lot longer, five shots in total. You were so much better at this when you were younger. He followed his in shortly after you.

Closing his fingers into your own as you both walked to the next hole. There were four holes left and you were tempted to careen back to the start just to keep this going. You loved spending time with Matt. He was sweet with just the hint of teasing you adored. Still if this went on any longer you were going to snap, a heat had grown in you, coursing through your veins; you needed him. But it could risk ruining everything. He might refuse an advance if you tempted one again, you didn’t want to sully this night just because your knees were weak thinking of his mouth on yours.

You hit the ball hard making it jump the concrete barrier and roll into a back corner. With a frown you chased after it, molding over the cheesy scenery to get to it. You snatched it up, rolling it between your fingers; if you pretended to lose it there was a chance you could convince Matt to start over? No, even such a stupid little lie was too much dishonesty. With a puff you turned back towards the course staring down at the orange slivers between your fingers.

You tumbled straight into him, not seeing him from the glare you had set into your clenched palm. “Shit, sorry,” you mumbled glancing up at Matt shyly, your mouth drawing into a gaped ‘o’ as your eyes met his. There was something chaotic in his gaze, his fingers had clenched up around your shoulders almost painfully. “Matty?” you frowned watching the confliction forming his brow.

He bent over you, lips finding yours, hand fumbling to the back of your head to push you into him. Your arms snatched out, gripping into his biceps, forming your mouth into his, a purr escaping your throat. Your mind screaming _finally_.

He pushed you into the wall, savoring the taste of your lips on his. Your golf ball falling from your grip and clanging with a ping to the ground. The phosphorescent blue glow of his hair instantly smothered by your hands wrenching into the tresses, pulling him closer.

He was eager but gentle, mapping your throat with suckles that would leave the skin unmarked. Pushing his hands under your skirt to reveal your white panties showing through strips of glowing blue cloth as his fingers roamed over you. Cupping each ass cheek entirely with a kneading hand, massaging into the muscles. You whined into his shoulder where you had hidden your face, pushing farther into him, encouraging him to be rougher with you.

He pulled back suddenly, throwing his head to the side over his shoulder. “We shouldn’t do this here,” he bit at his bottom lip, readjusting your skirt back in place before tugging you back out from the privacy of the corner. A group of five had approached the hole and begun teeing off, you hadn’t heard them in the slightest from the blood rushing in your ears.

“Then where should we?” you mumbled sidling up closely to him, fingers grazing to the hem of his shirt and sneaking beneath it to the pale flesh beneath. He grasped your hands firmly, wrenching them from beneath the cotton and giving you a scolding look.

“N-not here,” he mumbled lacing a hand with yours and returning to the front counter to deposit the equipment you’d borrowed. He led you back up the stairs and out of the arcade, pausing in the parking lot as he mulled it over. “No one’s home right now, we could go back there?”

“Oh no, no bloody way – I am not dealing with a possible interruption, we’re going to my place,” you shook your head firmly. Clearly he wasn’t thinking straight. You eyed your car with distaste, it would have been better if you both had rode here together. Now you’d have to drive back home thinking of those plush lips on yours.

He nodded in agreement, still standing in place, not wanting to let go of you. The sooner you parted the sooner you’d be back together. “We could put on a movie or something?” you voiced just to fill the space between your parting as you pulled away from him.

“Sure, I’ll meet you there then,” he stepped forward placing a chaste kiss on your cheek; both of your faces lit with fire as you scurried to your vehicles. You gripped to the wheel gnawing into your lower lip watching him gun out of the parking lot – one thing about the Organa-Solo boys was they just loved to drive fast.

The short drive home you were a wreck of tangled emotions. You wanted this, _needed_ it. Yet if you got too deep again? Your heart was fluttering around in your chest. This was a first date, you should abstain from even heavy petting; _like that would happen_. You’d lose control of such a thought the moment his lips were pressed back to yours. No, for once you wouldn’t dictate a situation like this, you’d leave it to Matt’s discretion.

Matt was waiting on your door step by the time you pulled up. You gave him a shy smile through the windshield as you unbuckled your seatbelt. Hopefully no one next door was home just as Matt had suggested. You couldn’t bear to think what Kylo or Ben might do or say if they were to find out. You shouldn’t feel guilty, Matt had asked you out after all. It was just hard to forget what the two other men thought of you; which was very little at this current moment you were sure.

You opened the door for both of you, closing it firmly behind you and kicking off your shoes. Matt followed you into the living room where you curled up onto the couch and patted the space next to you. He sat down next to you, wrapping an arm around your side and pulling you into him. His lips tickling at the back of your ear. Making you wonder – when exactly the shy boy you’d known so well had been switched with this Adonis.

“What do you want to watch?” doing your best to ignore his wandering touch you flicked on the TV set to at least attempt to keep your intentions innocent.  He was having none of that however. He tilted your chin towards him, capturing your lips with his. You broke the contact breathing hard, shuffling slightly out of his hold. “Matt,” you bit tentatively, arm extended and fisted into the sleeve of his shirt.

“Sorry,” he sat back against the couch taking the remote from your lap. You relaxed back into him, head rested on his chest able to hear the steady thrum of his heartbeat through the thin cotton. Whole body humming with excitement. He flicked through the ‘on demand’ movie selection with little interest, his thumb worrying into your side, unable to keep his hands still.

With little thought you slipped the remote from his hold, throwing it to the side as you crept your way into his lap. Wrapping both arms around his neck and pulling him closer to you, your lips grazing his. You couldn’t wait any longer, the anticipation was making you wild. Your fingertips tucked into his hair releasing a groan he hushed latching his lips into yours. The kiss less gentle, laced with impatience from both parties. His arms wrapping around you, supporting the small of your back. His fingers itching to wander over the exposed skin of your thighs.

Your lips parted. There was a galling hesitance you couldn’t seem to shake. This was what you wanted, what you needed. “We don’t have to do this,” he murmured giving you another brief kiss that you struggled to cling on to. The contact too short, your mouth searching back for his, holding him greedily against you.

“I need this,” his lip slipped between your teeth and you gave him a light nip, shuddering at the groan that parted in response. His pupils were dilating, the swirl of brown diffusing. The hunger in his gaze unmistakable, your own mirroring back to him.

He tugged at your legs, maneuvering each thigh at either side of his hips. Your nose bumping the bottom frame of his glasses as you both repositioned. His hands slipping from your hips to your thighs, rubbing lines back and forth over the skin where your skirt had ridden up. Your lids drooping to a half opened daze, leaning into him, letting his mouth  wander down from your jaw to your throat.

In comparison to his brothers he was gentle, meticulous in finding which spots merited a gasp or moan into his ear. Soon his hands were moving from your thighs, pushing your skirt up around your stomach  and grabbing a handful of each ass cheek. Slowly massaging into the muscles while continuing the attack at your neck leaving you panting, nails digging into his shoulders. Content to keep you like this for as long as you allowed.

“Maybe we should move to the bed?” Matt paused nudging your earlobe with the tip of your nose.  If this was going to go any farther the couch really wouldn’t suffice in the long run. With a nod you slipped off of his lap, legs already unsteady beneath you as you trailed him along to your bed room.

You sat at the edge of the bed watching him quickly taking in the disarray of too bright yellow walls, lady bug curtains, and the mess of clothing littering the floor. Then he was focused back on you, sitting down on the bed next to you, running a hand over your cheek, thumb catching over your bottom lip. Each touch was so intimate with Matt, you were melting into each caress turning you to putty in his hands.

Before you could let him get carried away you pushed his hands away. Watching confusion forming at the edges of his frown as you scooted off of the side of the bed and onto your knees on the floor. Wedging between his thighs and bundling his shirt up to his chest. Lips running kisses over the taut skin. His fingers carding through your hair, not pulling you to him just simply there to pull the hair from your eyes.

He was enjoying each touch; the kisses and bites coaxing forth small whimpers and gasps. Watching you through half hooded lids, shivering the farther done you moved. Your fingers gripping his thighs, moving dangerously close to the bulge that had formed from his need. Though as much as you teased he made no action to stop you.

He stiffened as your hand pressed over him,  palming him from over his jeans. The hand in your hair instantly tightening into a fist that had you hissing. He immediately released the clump of hair in concern, gripping instead at the sheets at either side of him not trusting his own strength.

Matt was bucking into your palm when you drew it away watching him frown and sit up straight. Giving a small grin you unbuckled his belt and began tugging down his jeans, he hurriedly helped you until both his pants and boxers where a pile at your knees.  Leaning forward you drug the tip of your tongue over the underside of his cock, watching him twitch and gasp from the action.  Your fingernails dug into the supple flesh of his thighs, holding him still as you captured him in your mouth. Slowly rolling your tongue over the head, tasting the salty ooze of precum coating your taste buds.

He was fixated on you. Eyes begging you to continue, to give him more. With a self-satisfied hum you pushed him deeper into your mouth. His groan spurring you to continue until you were at your limit, fighting back the gag that would come if he were to roll his hips. He remained still for you with tremendous effort, taking only what was given. In reward you swallowed around him, bobbing your head back and forth, and tongue swirling over whatever you could reach. He was cursing softly, the muscles in his thighs contracting. You would make a mess of him.

When he could no longer control the roll of his hips he gripped you chin and gently eased you away. His cock now red and throbbing, coated with your drool. “Come here,” he was guiding you back onto the bed voice hoarse and raw. You crawled out from between his legs, sitting beside him on the bed. “In the middle,” he scooted you over, the covers beneath you a tangled mess. He bent over you, tugging the waist band of your skirt down over your hips adding them to the pile with his pants on the floor. He laid out on his stomach forearms at either side of your hips, mouth hot against your stomach. Carefully setting his glasses on the nightstand beside the bed.

Planting kisses and hickeys over your stomach, down into your thighs, lifting your legs up over his shoulders so that he could reach where your thigh and pubic bone connected. A small wet patch had already formed through your panties, his breath panting onto you only heightening your arousal. “Matt,” you mewled, his lips grazing over your sex, fingers clawing into the sheets. His nose pressed into you, brushing your nub from beneath the thin barrier. His tongue followed suite,  licking strips into the dampened fabric, making your hips twist to increase the pressure.

Frustrated, you hooked your panties with your thumbs pushing them down until Matt leaned back taking over the action and throwing them to the side. Delving right back into you, tongue flicking back and forth over your clit. Making you squirm and moan, his arms wrapping around your thighs to keep you still. Hands reaching upwards, pushing under your shirt and moving your bra up to free your breasts to his touch. The pointer finger and thumb of each hand rolling over the hardened peaks of your nipples. You arched into him, grasping both hands into his blonde curls.

If you gripped any harder to him his scalp would start to bleed but he carried on seeming not to notice. His only focus on the flesh beneath his fingertips and tongue. Humming quietly into your slit as your moans suffocated the room.

The pleasure was building, your hips rolling into his mouth. He released your breasts, holding tight to your thighs, not letting you escape even for a moment. That was it, the intensity was peaking. Your hands yanking him against you, his nose digging painfully into your pelvis. “I’m close,” you whined, toes curling against his shoulder blades.

He smirked, suckling hard directly around your clit humming and swirling his tongue onto the swollen nub. The heat burst, your core clenching  just in time for the two fingers stretching you open. Your walls tightening as he pumped into you, mouth still working a fever. You were coming down from the high of orgasm with no signs of him stopping. “Matt,” you whined, your clit aching from overstimulation.

He glanced up, severing the connection for just long enough to spit out four simple words before returning back to your tortured flesh. _You can cum again,_ the words were echoing in your skull as he pulled you back to the horizon where pleasure awaited.  Your body jolting and convulsing in rhythm to the reckless pace he had set.

If not for your resistance he would easily have kept you there for hours. Kissing, licking, nipping until you fell apart at the seams. Making you scream until your voice was hoarse. Even if he had no chance in fucking you, he could lay right here between your thighs.

“F-fuck,” you rasped throwing your head back. The flood of heat returning in an instant teetering you on the edge. Every muscle in your body shuddering, readying for release. Matt eased off, his tongue drawing lazy circles skimming your clit, not enough pressure to allow you to cum. “Matty,” twisting your hips granted you no extra pressure and you huffed testily.

“Beg,” he shot out, his lips closing back over your clit but he remained still in wait. Fingers slowing until your hips were bucking him into you desperately. Eyebrows moving upward into his hairline as he waited for your response watching you gnaw into the inside of your cheek.  

Matt, the youngest triplet wanted you to _beg_. It never would have crossed your mind. He was always so shy, so caring and kind. There was more to him than what met the eye. He gave your clit a cruel swirl, keeping your nerves on edge. He was a patient man, much more so than his brothers, you knew he could hold you like this all night if he wanted. You scowled down at him, the embarrassment grazing your cheeks. The need was greater than any shame you could feel; clarified by another roll of his tongue accompanied by a sharp thrust of his fingers grazing  the front of your inner walls.

“Matt, fuck, just-  please!” you growled raking your nails into his skull. Though his lips quirked he remained still. _Oh come on_. “Matty please make me cum, p-please I’ll do anything,” it ended in a high pitch squeal as he ran circles around your clit. _Finally_.

The pleasure was creating stars in your vision, your head falling back against the mattress. Thighs tightening around his head, keeping him in place with the same viciousness as his free hand was on your hip. It was a shockwave, the tipping point leaving you gaping open mouthed and speechless. Your body tensing until it hurt as each wave of pleasure pulsed through your core. Until you were limp half draped over Matt’s shoulders, his head unburying from between your thighs as he gasped for air.

He eased his fingers out of you, licking his lips clean of your slick. Crawling over you, brushing back the hair that had clung to the sides of your face and kissing you. You could taste yourself on his lips. Letting your head fall back you gazed up at him, for the most part spent. “Do we need…” he paused as you shook your head, pulling him closer. His cock resting against your folds as he settled down over top of you careful not to use his full weight.

Your legs tangled around him, guiding him closer, feeling the stretch as he began to sink into you. He cradled the back of your head, his lips skimming your cheek, whining as he slid deeper. Your fingernails dragging up his back leaving thin red stripes, his shirt coming with them until you were able to wrestle it over his head and onto the floor. He mimicked much the same with your own shirt, unclasping your bra and throwing it to the side. With a pant he was fully sheathed within your cunt, groaning as your walls tightened.

The first thrust slow, letting him feel every part of you . The second hasty, greedy but gentle. As if the three attributes could be thrust into one. It was so different from what you had become accustom to. Your arms clung around his neck, feelings his heartbeat thrumming from his palm at your cheek. His lips capturing yours.

With each thrust you rocked your hips meeting him half way. The girth of his cock stretching you full. Using your legs you pulled him closer, forcing him deeper. He groaned in return, the thrusts becoming more urgent, rougher. Until your futon was squeaking in protest to the thrusts. The frame slamming into the wall. Fingernails marring trenches of reddened  skin along his back and sides. Teeth knocking together as your lips fused.

“God you’re amazing,” Matt moaned shamelessly between your teeth. He was clutching you hard against him, driving you into the bed with vigor. “Fuck- I can’t last much longer,” he fisted a hand in your hair, pulling your face to the side to part with his. Sucking fresh hickeys into your collar, turning the skin purple and bruised with each parting. Teeth biting into your shoulder leaving the indent of each tooth with it. He was striking your cervix hard, your pussy convulsing around him squeezing him in a vice.

One last bruising kiss to your lips and he was wrenching out of you, helping you sit up as he fisted his cock in one hand, the other supporting the back of your head. Your mouth opening just in time for the hot jets of cum to land on your tongue. You leaned forward sucking on the head until he had finished, running your tongue over him one last time to ensure the mess was removed.

He collapsed on the bed beside you, worming his head onto your chest. Arms curling around you holding you close. You brushed a hand through his curls pressing a kiss to his forehead and shutting your eyes. Letting the hum of post-coitus resonate through you.

He gripped you closer as if desperate not to lose you. Your heart swelling only for a moment until the shock set in.

_Fuck_

You just – you’d slept with him. You never let yourself  stop to think. There were consequences to this. Your heart was lead in your chest. Triple ringer, three out of three. You were hooped; hook, line, and sinker. A one eyed glance at the blonde curled into your side and you knew it was too late, far too late. Your fate had been sealed.

The rose tinted glasses had become your permanent filter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's finally a fluffy-ish chapter with a happy-ish ending. Don't get complacent it goes down hill from here. Also - WHY IS SMUT SO HARD TO WRITE. (I somehow wrote most of chapter 10 while I had writers block???)
> 
> Thank you all so much for all the comments/kudos they're all so bloody sweet and I try to reply to every last one of them! You all are the reason that I'm putting my work out there, without you I wouldn't have the confidence to put my sin into the world. So thank you all so much for being here with me for this emotionally crushing story I have planned <3
> 
> Also I hit post limit on tumblr daily so updates will ALWAYS be up for grabs here first!


	6. Jessie's Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks into the beginning of the semester and you were already learning you were in over your head. Stressed, depressed, you were just trying to get by. Except there were people out there intent on seeing you fail.

This couldn't be right, you'd failed you first essay. True college was a whole other standard from grades school but to get such a low grade - it had to be wrong. You gripped the paper, crinkling it in your hands. Class was almost over, you'd talk to your professor at the very least he could suggest improvement. Who even marked grades on paper anymore, the rest of your professors posted grades online. You cradled your chin in your palm willing yourself to focus on the balding man reading off of the paper he was quoting in front of him.

It felt ages had passed before class ended. Bravely gripping the paper you stood hesitantly by the podium until he noticed you. "Sir could I have a word about my essay?" You sounded as nervous as you felt, he looked down on you pityingly.

"The first essays every year are graded by the TA, this was not a formal assignment but I'm sure Kylo would be glad to talk things over," he suggested with a grim smile.

"Oh, uh, yes of course, thank you," you murmured dropping your eyes to the floor. He was a third year why had you thought he'd been taking this class for kicks? If he thought grading you poorly would make you want to drop this class he had another thing coming. You really should have heeded the furtive glares you’d caught mid lecture the past two weeks.

"He should just be in the other room," the professor motioned to the door on his left. Gathering his papers and stowing them in his briefcase. Your focus shifted to the oak wood door, the small rectangular glass panel  revealing nothing of the room beyond.

"Thank you!" You called after him turning to the conjoined room. Taking a deep breath and turning the handle. This would be the first time you’d be confronting him since that last fight. Your nerves were a wreck. Kylo was sitting behind one of two desks in the room tapping the top of his pen against the paper he was staring down intently at. He didn't look upon your entry. Closing the door you approached him, pushing your paper in front of him on the desk with as much bravery as you could muster.

His eyes flicked from the paper and up to you, mouth curling into a grimace. "I know you're trying to scare me out of dropping this class," you crossed your arms preparing for his retort. This had to be nipped in the bud, it wouldn't escalate into anything else. You couldn’t let it, the triplets had been enough trouble with your personal life. To let one of them tamper with your education; you simply would not allow that to happen.

"You're implying the grade is inaccurate?" His voice was level while his eyes seared into your skin. He still wanted to play games, _fine_.

You slammed an open palm onto the desk in front of him making a loud clap resound off the desk. Successfully jolting him to attention in his seat. "Kylo stop bullshitting me!" You heaved a breath, dropping your hand back at your side guiltily. "I'm not going to play these games with you all semester, I'm not dropping this class."

"Then you'll flunk it," he threatened making your hand curl into a fist. "The choice is yours."

 _Don't let the anger take over_ , he could be reasoned with. You couldn't keep trying to fight fire with fire. "Ky, do you really want to do this?" He looked away from you gripping his pen so hard it looked as if it might snap. "I'm tired of fighting," you reached back for your paper, your voice dropping to a whisper, eyes diverting .

He ripped the essay from your hand, glaring down at it. "I think you should drop the class," he sounded empty. The gash in your heart tearing anew. This meant so little to him, _you_ meant so little to him. You had cored him to a husk, only the anger left to try to reason with.

"Then you're going to have to convince him to fail me, I'm not going to let you bully me," you snapped latching onto the hand holding the essay. His hand was warm and you found yourself simply gripping onto him; unable to pry his fingers off or to let go. Just standing there leaning over him with the single point of contact, heart hammering in your ears. Forgetting how delicious even the small amount of contact was, forgetting how much you needed it.

"Let go," he wasn't making any move to brush you off just stated the simple demand. You tried to separate from him, your fingers clutching tighter. You didn't want to let go of him. Didn't want this to be real.

After a moment you finally pried your fingers off of his. " _Kylo_ ," Even his name was hard to get out between your clenched teeth.

"Why are you still here?" He hissed throwing his pen back onto the desk and rising to his feet. Appearing menacing to anyone but you; he looked miserable, the circles under his eyes mirroring your own. The way he was standing so brittle, on guard for anything, his shoulders slumped forward subconsciously. His shirt was hanging looser than normal – had he lost weight? Not sleeping, not eating just like you. It was another stab to your heart, you couldn’t stand seeing him like this. He must know what had happened with Matt by now, even more reason to hate you.

You fidgeted where you stood. Should just turn tail and leave. Nothing was going to be enough but you had to say it anyway. "I'm sorry, _God I'm so sorry_ \- I wish I could take everything back," you stared hard at the ground.

“When will it be enough for you?” he snapped taking a step towards you, throwing his hand up into his hair in frustration. “First Ben and I- but that just wasn’t enough. Now you have Matt on the line, he’s miserable and this is all you have to say for yourself? _It’s not good enough!_ ”

You nodded; he was absolutely right. You just kept fucking up, digging yourself this endless crater, the piles of rock and dirt on the edge threatening to slide into your hole and bury you. “I know,” you choked out weakly, raising your chin to look him in the eye. “I’m not asking for forgiveness that would be pointless. I just – fuck, I didn’t ask for this! I’m sick of hurting the people I love, I’m done. I’m not going to do this anymore whatever the hell this is.” Without a second guess you turned on your heel  marching to the door and slamming it behind you. Taking off out of the lecture hall at a sprint. Slowing only as your parked car was in sight, now safely across campus. You didn't have to run,  it wasn't like he would have followed you. You were outrunning all the thoughts crowding your mind back in that side office. _Done hurting the people you love,_ you doubted he had picked up on the subtlety.

Nights of restlessness, days of anxiety all piled up to one simple fact. You were hopelessly in love with the three of them, god your heart didn’t stand a chance. You kept pulling away, making the situation worse with the chasm you’d created. Ben was scorned – the least hurt of the bunch but Matt and Kylo you had wrought with the deepest wounds. Neither soon to forgive and you didn’t want them to. This was all so perplexing. It wasn’t like you could have all three of them. It wasn’t like you deserved even a single one.

 _No_ , absolutely no crying; you pushed back the tears in your eyes resting your forehead on the steering wheel. You'd done enough of that to last a lifetime. Classes were done for today. Sliding your phone from your pocket you called Phasma.

As always she answered on the second ring, "I'm about to go in for practice, what's up?" There was a bustle of shouts in the background.

"Can I stay the night at your place?" It was the best alternative you had to going home which you weren't going to do, not to risk seeing one of them. It was hard enough avoiding the three on campus as it was. They were constantly coming and going from home, leaving windows open, meandering in the back yard; it was too much. The best chance you had was stuffing yourself in the undeveloped basement hoping the shadows gaping in the corners wouldn’t get the best of your nerves before you were bolting back upstairs.

She sighed heavily. This must have been the fourth time you'd asked her this week alone. "You're going to have to go home soon, you have a cat that misses you," she chided and you muttered a halfhearted apology. Alfred was fine, you had checked up on him before class this morning but he was more clingy than usual. She had a point.

"Please Phas? I don't want to go home to an empty house," you stared bitterly out the windshield.

"Fine but you are spending quality time with that cat the rest of the week, no more escaping to my place to eat all my cereal, got it?" Even her commanding tone came out loving. She was the only one who would get you through this school year. "And you better not miss work because of it either."

"Have I ever? I'll see you when you get home, you'll need to pick up more coco puffs," you smiled awkwardly to yourself as she grunted and the call ended.

You remained in the parking lot a long while staring at the dashboard. Trying not to let your thoughts get the better of you and failing all the same. It had to get easier than this at some point. It was still fresh with Matt – you had cut off contact with him completely just shy of two weeks ago. That was more difficult than you could have imagined. His face rose then fell simultaneously as he caught your eye in the halls. Still attempting to ease you out of your isolation, using Phasma as the portal of communication; had you both not been so miserable you knew she would have snapped at you for it. He was trying so valiantly to fix what he felt he had broken but there was nothing to fix. If you stayed, fell even farther for him  it would have been worse; how then would you explain to him it was due to your feelings for his siblings. It was unfair and though what you were already doing was selfish, avoiding them entirely was the only solution that could hope to mend something of this caliber.

 

Even though you'd hidden away the night at Phasma's she had pushed you out the door the moment her alarm went off. She had early morning practice and wasn't risking letting you sleep the day away. Not that you would have, you had a shift at noon and a class at three. You could have easily come back when you pleased using her spare key but you had promised not to. You were going to keep your promises.

The morning drew by in a blur. As did most of the work day. It was nearing three o'clock, time for your philosophy studies class, time to face Kylo. Despite everything you had said to him about not dropping the class when it came time to clock out and head to class you strayed to the back of the library, found a nice quiet corner in the back, and rest your head on your backpack.

So what if you missed one class? Or two. _You should just drop it._ You didn't want to see Kylo every day like this anyway. Sure you loved the complexity of philosophy but it wasn't worth staring at the back of his head all class. It was bad enough you'd seen how close he was with Hux, they were probably back together. You had no chance even if they weren't. You'd all but written off the triplets as a viable dating option.

There’d be absolutely no dating until you got your life out of the gutter. You had to focus on school. Who were you trying to kid - you were barely remembering to eat these days. The bags under your eyes were constant and if not for the concealer you slabbed over top people might think you were ill. But that's what you could consider this, being sick. That's what your heart felt like anyway.

Phasma was the only constant you had at the moment. She was treating you like a pet - making sure you ate, drank, and slept enough in a day. If not for her you'd likely be crashed in a ditch somewhere. You felt like you were constantly disappointing her. You'd gone to her each time you'd rutted deeper in your pity hole; it came as a surprise that she still encouraged you to make nice with them. They were her friends too after all but as it stood she wasn't spending any amount of time with them any longer. As if you had made her choose between you and them. If she’d have asked you would have told her to choose them.

That’s it; you would stay here until Phasma was done class. Maybe convince her to come over so you wouldn’t have to deal with yourself. Digging out your headphones you shoved the earbuds in and set your music as loud as you could stand. Settling for the first song your thumb selected and smooshing your face into the back of your backpack, arms wrapping around it.

 _I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut my weakness is that I care too much_ – you flipped back to your phone frowning, well the song was appropriate. _Whatever_.  Snuggling back into your backpack and hiking your hood up over your head. Tapping your foot quietly to the beat; for once allowing yourself to get lost in it. No longer caring about your surroundings or who saw you tucked into this back corner.

 

Your headphone was wrenched out of your ear snapping you to attention, teetering in your seat. _What the hell_. You had finally fallen asleep! You glanced to either side, finally catching the culprit to your left. Blinking dumbly you popped out the other headphone before turning in your seat. “Are you serious right now?”

A snort was all that replied until both you and your backpack were being snatched up from the table. You were drug half stumbling to one of the library’s dingy sections; the ones most commonly used for hook ups or drug dealing. To this you were not surprised, it would be a place where no one would approach hearing raised voices. Thankfully this area of the library was still close enough to the fringe that you were able to hear the quiet bustle of commonplace activity meters away. With this knowledge you shoved off the hand that had secured around your wrist. “What the fuck is your problem, now?” you took a step back before they could latch back onto you.

This was turning into quite the shock, twice in one week what a lucky girl you were. Watching as your backpack was dropped to their feet behind them, you’d have to make it around them in order to get it back; what a childish move to have made. “Are you going to tell me or just continue to glare at me – I have better things to do than put up with your bullshit you know,” the snarky comment made their nostrils flare and you felt the corners of your mouth pull into a smirk.

“Like skipping class?” his voice was low, dark and you nearly shuddered hearing the husky octave. His brown eyes narrowed, fists clenching at his sides. Somehow you skipping class had become his personal vendetta. You didn’t get it.

Your chin rose up into the air in a jut. “You told me to drop the class I’m not seeing how my lack of attendance should matter to anyone most of all _you_ ,” you said matter of fact, crossing your arms over your chest.

Kylo looked as if he was fighting back an all-out snarl. “I don’t get it, you make an uproar over not dropping the class then you just – Don’t. Show. Up. – is this a balk for attention, are you trying to throw your education in the gutter?” his eyes were burning embers in your chest making your lips fuse together.

“Balk for attention, really Kylo?” you flung your head back in mock laughter making him cringe at the sound. “The last person’s attention I want right now is yours I assure. Now butt out. Leave me alone. You’re wasting your time with whatever the hell –“you motioned towards him “–this is.”

He was gritting his teeth, no longer meeting your eye. Perhaps even a tad embarrassed of his rash actions. “Look,” he sighed, “you have to come to class; this isn’t grades school your marks here matter.”

“Are you lecturing me?” your brows pinched and you took a step towards him, the tips of his shoes rested against yours. “Or are you so afraid to have finally driven me away that you can’t stand yourself anymore?”

“I’m not pining after you, I’m seeing someone,” he scowled taking a hasty step back from you almost tripping on the backpack at his heels.  A red flush had breached his cheeks along with his scowl.

You nodded thoughtfully, arms tightening around you. You knew that already but hearing it admitted added to the hurt. It wasn’t like _you_ had stopped pining over _him_. It was certainly the opposite in fact. The flutter in your stomach was enough to cause full on nausea at this point, you shut your eyes letting out a slow breath before fixing your gaze back on him. “I hope he treats you right,” _unlike me_ you added inwardly willing yourself not to cringe. Your voice had dropped to a soft whisper forcing Kylo to strain in order to hear you, his brows knitting. He had expected another sarcastic retort but you no longer had it in you.

This conversation was over as far as you were concerned. You leaned over picking up your backpack by the strap and hoisting it over your shoulder. “ _Goodbye_ Kylo,” you turned walking along the shelves away from him. He wouldn’t chase you; there was no point just like the last time you had run out on him. Running away was becoming your forte and as much as you despised it you couldn’t see yourself standing before him any longer. Except – a hand grasped tightly around your wrist jolting you backwards making your arm feel as if it was straining to dislodge from your shoulder.

“Stop walking away we’re not done here!” your heart was leaping in your throat as he latched onto both of your shoulders giving you a rough shake. Then he paused, fingernails digging into your flesh. “I – I don’t know why I’m bothering. You’ve never listened to anyone.” He released you with a sniff raising his nose into the air.

There it was, those stupid rose tinted glasses obscuring your view. Making your heart pound against the cage holding it in place. He’d stopped you. You moistened your bottom lip trying hard to clear your muddled thoughts. Finding it impossible to look away from those darkened orbs. _Fuck, no, stop!_ You reached forward knotting the front of his sweater in your fist and pulling him towards you. Craning upwards, standing on your tip toes and brushing your lips into his, his name whispered into his skin. _He has a boyfriend for fucks sake!_ Your other hand holding onto his jaw, tilting him down towards you. _He doesn’t want to kiss you!_ With a labored breath you pressed your lips into his, capturing his bottom lip between yours, listening to the groan reverberating in his chest as he tried to resist. Grasping your hands, intent on separating them until you kissed him a second time, his fingers clamping over yours holding them in place. The screaming voice in your head withering to dust.

Then as if realization dawned upon you, you wrenched your face away cheeks ablaze. “Shit, Kylo – I – Hux,” you stammered biting hard into your lower lip. This was bad, you couldn’t do this.

As if he hadn’t heard you at all he was drawing you closer with a fist tangled into the hair at the back of your head. “Stop talking,” back to that lustfully heavy octave as he tilted your head back claiming your lips with his own. A moan erupting from the back of your throat as your tongues met. Gripping him tighter afraid to let go, afraid to lose this connection.  He spun you around, walking you back until your back dug into the shelving behind you, various titles pressing into your skull as he leaned over you, sufficiently pinning you in place.

His hands roaming over your body, brushing his fingertips between your thighs, cupping a breast in his palm. Making you whimper beneath him, unable to return the touch with your elbows pinned on the edge of the shelf. “Ky we’re going to get caught,” you protested giving his lip a nip.

“Don’t care,” he kicked your feet apart rubbing his thumb along your groin from over top your jeans. Your hips canting into his touch, moaning into his mouth. This was risky; you would get caught with your pants around your ankles and risk possible expulsion.  But it felt so damn good. He was fumbling with your zipper first and then the button, shimmying your jeans down past the curve of your ass. Fingers pushing your panties to the side to run along the heat of your core. Gathering the juices at your entrance and pulling them back towards your clit. “Shhhh, keep quiet princess,” he chuckled as you withered beneath him digging your face into his chest. The material at your lips muffling your mewls enough to mix with the din around you.

“Fuck, Ky, we can’t –“you whined feeling your walls clenching as he pet at your nub. Pinching it between his pointer finger and thumb making you shake beneath him, breath rasping heavily. Four rows of shelves away people were talking, laughing, studying. Here you were being turned into a quivering mess.

His fingers slipped forward, two digits pushing into you, your head snapping back into the metal shelving. The butt of his palm grinding down into your clit as he thrust his fingers slowly back and forth. “Dirty little slut, getting off on my fingers in the middle of a public library,” he purred into your ear increasing his pace until you were panting into the crook of his neck.  The walls of your cunt quivering around his fingers, readying for the orgasm that was so close. He pushed in a third finger, your squeak of surprise lost to him humming appreciatively against your temple. “So wet for me, princess,” he kissed the top of your head lightly.

He had ignited the fire in you so quickly and now you were already riding the edge. Close to bursting at the seams. “Not yet sweetheart, I didn’t give you permission to cum,” he pried a hand over your mouth, further muffling you. You whined loudly behind his hand, eyes squishing shut. You couldn’t hold it off much longer if you tried. Trying to spit out a coherent plea beneath that palm to no avail. He leaned back enough to look you in the eye, watching your brows lace together as you continued to whimper. “Good girl, cum for me.” There was only a sliver of hesitation as your brain registered the demand before your thighs were clenching, body arching inward. A bolt of heat flooding from your core. Moan barely contained by Kylo’s hand even with his death grip over your lips. You fell back into the shelving whole body twitching, his fingers stilling only as he’d ridden you through the after waves.

Pulling your jeans back up over your hips he readjusted your shirt before leading you deeper into the shelving. Stopping beneath a row of burnt out lights before he was on you again. Shuffling your pants down your thighs, panties soon following. Fumbling with his own belt as he cursed finally unbuckling it moments later. “Ah! F-fuck,” you gripped to the shelving feeling him stretching you open.

“Shit, I forgot how tight this pussy is,” he chuckled into the cusp of your ear easing himself into you. In no time at all you were clenching around his entire length. He rolled his hips earning a gasp. The dust from the book shelves coating your palms as you grasped onto them for stability.

Kylo began pounding into you. Shaking the shelf you were clutched to with every thrust, threatening to topple it over. You were trying your best to keep quiet, silencing your moans in your chest as best you could. The thrill of exhibition, the chance of getting caught heightening your arousal. He was pounding into you so furiously, your legs had gone numb, and you’d be walking funny the next few days for sure.

He reached two fingers down to your clit, flicking at the nerve bundle making your cunt spasm in response. “Fuck, Kylo,” you hissed pressing your back into his chest.  Head tilting back over your shoulder in search of his lips. He kissed you roughly, leaving your lips red and swollen. Grinding his fingers against you, coaxing forth a second orgasm.

“Every time you look at the back of my head in class I want you to think of this,” he growled yanking a fist full of your hair making you yelp. There was no doubt, you’d be thinking of this every time your fingers grazed the spine of a book. Fantasizing about it every time you set foot into the library.

Your clit was being rubbed raw. It would be tender to the touch for days, you’d have to avoid sitting with your legs crossed. “Please,” you could feel the impending heat of release approaching you just needed that final shove. His thrusts were now stuttering, unable to draw out as far before slamming back in.

Removing his fingers he shoved them between his lips gathering a gob of spit before stroking hard circles around your nub. Your hips jolting back to meet him, desperate. His touch painfully intense. Mouth gaping in a large ‘o’ as he continued to stroke the most pleasurable spots both inside and out. Kylo growled in your ear as you continued to clamp around him, cunt twitching and spasming along with his fingers. Until you were whining, loud, unabashed not caring if someone were to catch you both. He could have covered your mouth to silence you, instead biting into the side of your neck until the whine became a hoarse moan. The pain sending you spiraling over the edge. Vision blanking, head craning backwards, toes curling in your shoes. “Fuck!” he all but shouted gripping onto your hips, spilling inside of you.

Kylo recovered before you, pulling out and tucking his cock away before pulling your panties and jeans back up your thighs and securing them. He did his best to right both of your appearances before pressing a kiss to your temple, catching your eye for a hint of a second and swiftly walking out of the emergency exit.

You slumped into the shelves still trying to catch your breath. Feeling the damp of his seed oozing to settle in your panties and down your thighs. You brushed your dirtied hands on your pants, picked up your backpack and slowly hobbled back towards the library entrance. You had to meet Phasma in the parking lot; she was probably waiting for you there irritably having been made to wait far too long.

She was waiting outside the library with arms crossed over her chest nowhere near where you’d set to meet. “Sorry Phas I took a bit of a nap,” you smiled sheepishly as she brushed over you with her frown. You’d tell her what happened, just not here with so many people able to eavesdrop.

“Yeah okay,” she rolled her eyes. Not for a moment believing your statement. Knowing the full explanation would be there shortly. You’d obviously skipped class that much she knew.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket as you walked in pace alongside Phasma. Ignoring the quizzical look she gave you as you stared silently down at the message. **_You’re going to come to class every day, and we are never going to speak about what happened to anyone – Kylo._** Good you thought bitterly. It wasn’t like you could exploit these feelings. Because it was already too late. The tinted lens takes another victim – triplet number two you are the winner! Kylo, that fucking prick. You were in love with him for certain. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.

“You okay?” Phasma nudged you with her elbow as you typed out your reply (a simple two letter OK).  You must have taken on a green tinge for you felt ready to hurl.

“Mm, yeah fine,” you nodded shoving your phone back into your pocket.

 You were not okay. None of this was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short-ish chapter for you today! I have pieces of the next four chapters written because I just cannot seem to focus on one chapter at a time. I hope you enjoyed this Kylo centred chapter. As some of you guessed, yes I went for the kylux. Though this is a reader insert based story so you'll just have to wait and see what happens.  
> As always thank you so so so much for all the comments and kudos you all have left me. I appreciate every single one of them. I write this fic for you all as much as I write it for myself. You are all amazing thank you so much <3
> 
> Next chapter coming within the next two weeks!  
> EDIT: okay maybe not two weeks I am so sorry guys. I am a procrastinator above all else and I'm trash. I'll pump this next one out as soon as I can (someone take age of empires II away from me STG)


	7. Still Loving You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Car troubles lead to more than you had bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for being the cheesy author that uses songs directly into their fic BUT IT FIT AND I HAVE NO SHAME.  
> The song is Scorpions - Still Loving You which is linked below  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYyarcp5LtU  
> I /did/ write it to follow along with the song but that's not necessary. Thank you in advance for putting up with my shit. <3

The air had a chill to it. Summer was swiftly giving birth to autumn; the trees giving testament, no longer breaking down chlorophyll to make way for the warmer hues. The sky overcast foretelling of cold showers soon to come, in mere weeks the same horizon would bring with it torrents of flurries; you were not looking forward to it.

As it was you were peering down under the hood of your car pursing your lips. Phone clutched between your ear and shoulder, tucking your hands beneath your armpits; of all days to forget a jacket! “No, it keeps making some spluttering noise and the ignition takes over a minute to start up,” you sighed heavily taking a step back and cupping the phone to your ear as you stretched back your shoulders. “I’m scared to drive it at this point.”

“I don’t have time to come down and get you right now,” Phasma argued making you grumble as you glared back at your vehicle. It was close to sun down and you were becoming antsy. Of course you could take a cab home and return in the morning for it but you had work and school to attend, this was beyond inconvenient. Your rust bucket of a vehicle need only survive until the end of winter though you were beginning to doubt the possibility.

“Well I’m pretty close to your place couldn’t I spend the night?” armed with your most pleading voice only to hear her grunt on the other end. This was getting you nowhere; you knew she had plans tonight. Plans you couldn’t simply join in on of course. She was going to a gallery with Hux. The man was anything but fond of you at this point, his venomous glare set upon you whenever you wandered within proximity of either himself or Kylo. You were still confident Kylo hadn’t,  and wouldn’t tell of the moment of weakness between you but whenever his glare had settled upon you- you were left squirming feeling as if the acts would show through your skin.

"Absolutely not, there's a mechanic shop around the corner and I'm not dealing with your octopus limbs tonight - go deal with it," she was firm which she seemed to have to be with you. No doubt Hux was probably over at her apartment right this moment. She was granting you a mercy in not telling you just that. Kylo must be there with them too.

"I'm in the parking lot now, they're closed!" You whined hoping she'd pity you enough to come lend a hand. Even if it was just to reclaim her from the pair. You’d suddenly become jealous of the time she spent with the two. It was a stupid tick you couldn’t scratch.

"Go around back and knock, one of the guys is always working late, I'm hanging up now you're going to have to bail yourself out this time," with a beep the line dropped and you shoved your phone back in your pocket. It was due time she stopped babying you but did she have to stop right at this bloody moment?

The wind bit into your skin as you trudged around back. Hesitating only moments before pounding on the back door. Phasma better be right about this or you were royally screwed. The door popped open a couple minutes later, the mechanic cleaning his oil stained hands with a grimy cloth. His navy coveralls rolled up at his elbows as he leaned on the door frame. This was –

Swallowing the lump in your throat you tucked your hands into your pants pockets, rolling the blunt end of your keys over your thumb. Fumbling for words instead of the guttural groan rising in your lungs. You cleared your throat, molars digging into the side of your cheek. “Hey,” you offered expecting the door to instantly slam in your face.

No reply but he remained hovering in the doorway studying you. When a minute passed he drew to the side, holding the door open for you to enter. Your feet dragged over the grease stained concrete, glancing back as the door swung shut. The soft whine of a radio was playing from the far corner, just loud enough that it disrupted the overhead hum of fluorescent lights. Without much thought you traced the heels leading you towards the front of the shop, the lighting dimmed as you left behind the smell of rubber. Leaving you fumbling after him in the dark.

He flicked a switch to your side, the front area of the shop blinking to life as he leaned against the counter, drumming his grimy fingers on the metal. It was time for you to say something. Anything.

He beat you to it. “You look upset,” the observation was daft and obvious. As if he was coaxing the irritation to form beneath your skin. Still the set of brown eyes were watching you with amusement, flicking over your wind swept hair.

“Phasma told me –“ _god did you start every sentence that way these days?_ “– that someone would be here that might be able to help me, I had no idea…” you trailed off with a sigh brushing a hand through your tangled tresses. Aiming to avoid the quirk of his upturned half-smile.

“We both know you’re beyond help, sweetheart,” the pass at teasing came out tense, feeling more like a bite to your pride. Certainly he was right. He seemed to realize the chew his comment had made and scowled down at the counter. “Is everything all right?” an opened ended question if ever you heard one. His fingers tapped distractedly on the counter-top.

As a whole, absolutely not. “I think there’s something wrong with my engine, I’m not confident I can make it home without breaking down on the side of the highway,” sighing irritably you crossed your arms over your chest allowing the action to afford you some measure of comfort.

“I can take a look but it’ll cost you,” he warned motioning for you to follow back towards the garage.

You trailed him, gnawing into your tongue. There was no way you could afford an expensive repair let alone his time at all. Maybe with a loan from your father but that was a stretch. “I don’t have a lot of money,” instead of meeting that level gaze you stared at the oil stained ground.

“All I want is your time,” he replied carefully.

Time? That was useless to him. What would he possibly hope to find with your presence. “Ben?” you questioned carefully, gripping painfully to your elbows.

He held out a hand to you, palm facing upwards. “Keys?” you placed them into his hand with a frown. “Go sit by the radio, I’ll pull your car into the garage,” he grasped your upper arm before you could turn to follow his instruction, “are you willing to talk?”

 _In general or –_ “yes,” _no, nope, nada, no way in hell_. “If that’s the price I have to pay,” shrugging you feigned a smile, convincing enough that he released you and you moved to take a seat in the dusty fold out chair next to the radio. He moved to open one of the garage doors, bringing with it a cool gust of wind before disappearing out towards your beaten up VW Golf.

You rest your chin in your palm. Hopefully his version of ‘talking’ would be nothing more than idle chatter. Though doubtful. Ben was hardly dense, sure he was played off as the idiot jock the majority of the time but his mind rivaled if not outshone both of his brothers. Hell, the kid was working on an engineering degree.

There was no doubt in your mind that the boy grinning at you like a Cheshire cat through your cracked windshield would be using this situation to his advantage.

After closing the garage door Ben immediately got to work. It was fascinating to watch him you had to admit. For the most part you listened to him whistle along to the music on the radio as he slid back and forth beneath your vehicle on a roll board. Splatters of grease had covered parts of his arms and a streak across his cheek, his hands once again stained from the oil. Once and a while he would start to sing the rock music blaring behind you, making you grin in your seat unconsciously.

He made no attempt to get you to talk. Maybe due to being too invested with his work. Maybe because he knew you were still uncomfortable being in his presence. You were curled up tensely in your seat, staring hard at the metal rafters above. After all it wasn’t like this situation was ideal; you knew the dangers of being here with him. No real physical dangers of course but there was the emotional aspect you weren’t eager to divulge. Even as he stood leaning over the hood a mere two meters away your stomach was curling into knots. Ben, whom you hadn’t spent more than ten minutes with since that last party, who was bent over your car because _you_ needed it fixed.  Who had left the spark of resentment die as an ember as soon as you had agreed to talk. This was the Ben you remembered, not the one that had reared at you down in his own basement. God you had missed this side of him; but was this side of him only hiding the vicious spite you’d seen last?

“Do you want something to drink?” he was wiping his hands off, watching you from over his shoulder. You shook your head no, doubting you could stomach much of anything as it was right now. He shrugged and marched off to a conjoining room, returning with a second fold out chair and a can of soda in the other hand. He set the chair out beside you, placing the can in the mesh drink holder as he slumped down into it with a satisfied grunt. His long legs sprawled out before him, the hem of his coveralls lifting to reveal a section of ankle not covered by his work shoes.

You tried not to stare, tried to find a spot on the floor to look at instead of the Eros next to you. Comparing him to a Greek god would hardly do him justice, even with the spackles of grease still donning his cheeks. He popped the seal on his soda, taking a greedy gulp, the sound piqued enough for you to sneak a glance at him. He was watching you from beneath his lashes. Placing the can back in the holder he brushed a hand through his hair giving a soft hum. “You shouldn’t have any problems with your car now, the spark plug was starting to go, though you should come back in a couple weeks for an oil change,” he gave you a side long glance that had the hair at the back of your neck standing on end.

“Thank you,” you murmured shyly.

He fidgeted for a few moments, tapping his fingers against his knees; far too nervous an act for the jovial Ben Organa-Solo. Surely your presence wasn’t _that_ intimidating. You forced your lips apart from the thin line they’d fused into.

“I know I asked you to talk,” he muttered rubbing both palms together as he leant forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his thighs. “But if you won’t even talk to Matt – well, I’m not going to get my hopes up.” The comment was enough to bite and you looked away ashamed. “So I propose something else.”

He slipped his phone out of his pocket, fiddling with it for a moment before the stereo behind you began humming out the all too familiar tune. The rifts of the G minor guitar strokes enough to have your head swimming, it was an instant flooding of nostalgia. He stood from his seat holding a hand out to you for you to take. _No, fuck, shit_ – you couldn’t stop from meeting those mischievous brown eyes.  

“Don’t make me beg,” he smiled softly, your fingers automatically lacing with his as he yanked you up and out of the seat, the chair toppling backwards in the process. Sending a cloud of dust to plume up at your ankles.

This was his price. The boy fought dirty, you had to give him that.

Ben pulled you against him, wrapping an arm around your waist and positioning your hand onto his shoulder before he took your other hand. Gently swaying you from side to side, his lips playing at your ear the moment the lyrics picked up. Whispering them back to you huskily, “ _time, it needs time to win back your love again- I will be there, I will be there_.”

You watched your feet, retreating with each step he took, unused to dancing with a dominant partner after all these years. Your heart thumping in your ribcage as he held you tighter, continuing to mask his voice over the lyrics; “ _love, only love, can bring back your love someday – I will be there, I will be there_.”

The beat of your heart was triple time that of the drums. A flush creeping to your cheeks as you adjusted your sweating palms. His lips grazing the top of your ear as he waited for the next set of lyrics. Settling to hum them into your skin allowing the voice of Klaus Meine to overtake him, you mouthed them back soundlessly to him. The lyrics ingrained into you from childhood.

_I’ll fight, babe, I’ll fight to win back your love again_

“Ben,” you moved your hand off of his shoulder, brushing your fingers against his cheek, through his raven locks. He pushed into the contact; the honey swirl of his iris’s finding yours.

_I will be there, I will be there_

You swallowed thickly, continuing to card your fingers through his hair. You were falling head first into the movement, the warmth of his body radiating into your veins to fill your from within.

_Love, only love, can break down the wall someday- I will be there, I will be there_

It was intimate, it was romantic. It was so much more than your heart could take but you didn’t dare step away.

_If we’d go again all the way from the start, I would try to change the things that killed our love_

His lips were so close to yours, only a breath apart. You couldn’t. The things it would lead to –

_Your pride has built a wall, so strong that I can't get through, is there really no chance to start once again; I'm loving you_

You failed to take a step back, stumbling over his feet, your lips grazing against each other’s.  You found your footing only to pause. Curling your hand around the back of his neck, leaning him down towards you as your lips captured his. His arm pressed over your lower back, his hand fisting into the back of your sweater. Kissing you deep but as soft as he could manage, breathing heavily through his nose in a desperate attempt to keep the both you your lips locked. Fearing that if you were to part he might lose you; it was a mutual fear.

_Try, baby, try to trust in my love again – I will be there, I will be there_

He clutched you to him, returning to humming the lyrics as his tongue delved past your lips. You gave a spluttered laugh, wrapping both arms around his neck.

_Love, our love just shouldn’t be thrown away – I will be there, I will be there_

Ben inched you backwards, your feet scuffing into the uneven concrete until the back of your knees were pressed into the nose of your car. You rested one hand on the hood, leaning backwards as he pressed you into the metal.

Your lips parted, palming each cheek in his grasp as he stared into your eyes. Your fingers rested over his, grinning, knowing exactly what he was intending to do. Just like when you were eight, screaming it at the top of your lungs, clung to one another spinning in circles in front of Han’s record player. “ _If we’d go again, all the way from the start I would try to change all the things that killed our love_ ,” both in perfect unison, his husky baritone mingling with your alto. “ _Yes, I’ve hurt your pride, and I know what you’ve been through. You should give me a chance, this can’t be the end_.”

The rest of the lyrics faded into the background as you each began to tug at one another. Ben pushing your sweater half way up your abdomen, you unzipping his coveralls and peeling the cotton off of his shoulders as your teeth clacked into one another’s in your haste. You’d managed to push his coveralls down to his hips by the time he shoved you back against the vehicle, halting your assault. His eyes flared their hunger, licking his lips.

You squirmed beneath him, trying to reclaim even a sliver of control. He was having none of that. His knees pushed your legs apart, slithering between them to grind against you. His forearms placed at either side of your head, boxing you in. You pushed under his white tank top, clawing into the firm muscles atop his shoulder blades.

“Is this how you get the other girls?” you chuckled lightly as the song ended, nuzzling your nose into his jaw. Registering the start of ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ beginning in the background before your mind gave over to the haze of Ben’s mouth suckling along your collar. He gave a soft purr, marking you with hickeys along your collar bones. Your moan masked by the ballads of rock music blaring off in the corner.

“No, this was especially for you,” he cocked his head to the side, grazing his nose along yours. You wouldn’t doubt that for a moment. It was too personal to be any less.

He grasped a hand around the underside of each of your thighs, tugging you closer to him. The heat in your core swelled. Already aware this had gotten out of hand. But you couldn’t stop; it had been shy of two weeks since you’d last been touched. Kylo had left you incredibly aware of just how often your mind would wander back to that last time. The moment you set foot in the library either to work or to study your mind was focused on how he had devoured you. Now, _even if you stopped now_ , you would be thinking of Ben’s thumbs massaging into the insides of your thighs every time you looked at your once innocent vehicle.  It was simply the autumn’s chill that had you clinging to him, not your desperation for touch – if only you could convince yourself to be so blind.

He released hold of your thighs, your legs now free to wrap around his hips, pulling him closer. The bulge of his hardened cock ground against you through the layers of material separating flesh.  “Are we going to get interrupted?” you licked at your lips nervously, unsure if you wanted to play so close to the thrill of getting caught.

“You make it sound like you want more,” the cocky bastard gave you his crooked smile. As if he wasn’t leaking precum in his boxers grinding against you. He pushed his hands beneath your shirt, gathering it in a lump above your breasts. The warmth of his breath rose goosebumps contrast to the cold of the garage, his bottom lip dragging along the crest of each breast. “We won’t.”

With one hand he unfasted the back of your bra, tossing it next to you on the hood as he trailed his tongue teasingly around each nipple. You pushed into him, coaxing him to take them into his mouth to save the peaked buds from the cold of the garage. He cupped each breast, pushing them together as his tongue slid between them. The path of saliva cooling the moment his tongue drew away. You shivered clutching him closer, arching into his touch. As his mouth closed over your left nipple you let out a whine, his tongue dragging against the nerves as he suckled it further to peak. Repeating the same with the right side.

He trailed down your chest, forcing you to release your legs around his hips as he bent to his knees. Nose skimming along the waistband of your jeans, pressing kisses to your hips and stomach as he unhooked the top button and slid down the zipper. Had you not been half consumed by lust you would have whined as the cold air hit your backside as he tugged your pants and panties down around your ankles.

“Put your ass in the air for me,” he pushed you back until your knees were against your chest, feet dangling in the air. His hands pushing up the back side of your thighs to keep you in place, exposing you to him. No hesitation as he leaned forward, dragging his tongue along your slit. Taking care to avoid your clit. “Mm, wet for me aren’t you baby?” he purred into you swirling his tongue to either side of your nub. The pressure wasn’t there and you were shifting your hips against the tight hold on your thighs.

“For fuck sakes _Ben_ ,” you reached forward to fist a hand in his hair to force him closer. Instinctively he dodged you, giving both thighs a rough squeeze that had you clamping your hands over top of his. That was how it was going to be. You had no choice but to be subject to his teasing.

He hushed you gently. “Be good or I won’t make you cum,” he warned sternly with a nip to your ass cheek.  You doubted he would do that to you but it was better not to tempt fate.

Ben ran his tongue in circles around your clit. Sucking it between his plump lips and running a soft touch back and forth over it with the tip of his tongue right beneath the hood. The pressure was still light, teasing but enough to have your thighs quivering in his hold.  “Ben, please,” the moan was barely a breath, your nails digging into the back of his hands.

The need for release was becoming desperate with each flick of his tongue. He was pointedly ignoring your pleas, his lips curling into a fraction of a smirk. _Pay back’s a bitch_ was nagging at the corners of his mouth. He’d deserved to be left hanging the last time but this was just cruel. You would have expected this type of behavior from Kylo, not from Ben.

Your hips were desperately trying to buck forward with no success. Nothing you did could coax him to give you what you needed. “Do you want more sweetheart?” his teasing was muffled, his tongue gathering the juices that were leaking from you, pulling the tarte proof of your arousal from the very beginnings of your inner walls.

“Please fuck me,” you whimpered pathetically. Giving up the charade of stubbornness completely. Your muscles tensing as he molded his mouth around your clit. Licking and nipping at it with fever. He pushed you farther forward, lifting your ass completely off the hood of the car as he stood, grasping both arms around your thighs and lavishing between your folds. The back of your shoulders bearing the weight he was not supporting making them ache.

Dangerously close to coming undone. The heat rising with each swipe of his tongue. “I’m not going to let you cum just yet,” he warned continuing to build you higher. Adding to the cruelty as his mouth left you before the breaking point.  “I can’t wait any longer,” he muttered to himself  wrapping an arm around both of your legs and holding them over his shoulder as he fumbled to push down the layers of clothing obstructing his cock. It took only a moment for him to shuffle his pants and boxers down his thighs. Angling you into position, legs still trapped against his chest. The head of his cock prodding at your entrance, adjusting his hips as he began to push in. The hoarse growl filled you whole, he slammed into you, bottoming out in a single fluid motion.

“Ah- yes!” you howled along with him. He was thrusting fast and hard right off the bat. Ben didn’t do slow, loving, sex. This is what he knew – the harsh clap of skin on skin, sweat dribbling down  his forehead, moans yowled unaltered from deep in his chest. He was an animal.

Your cunt clung tightly around him, desperate for the release he’d denied. Each thrust pooling the need deeper beneath your skin. Your fingernails clawing down your sides to avoid chipping the paint beneath you.

He leaned forward, the only thing separating your chests were your legs trapped between you. The angle had him plunging deeper than before. You struggled to lean up on your elbows, desperate to capture the lips suckling along your calves.

It wasn’t long until you were blubbering pleads, the need to cum over taking all else. You’d never been this desperate before. Ben’s grin only grew wider. Continually ignoring the desperation of your begging. At this rate he would leave you high to dry. By his erratic pace he wouldn’t be lasting much longer.  Your toes curled in your boots. Hips bucking back against him hoping to gain some sort of friction. Nothing was working; the tipping point so close to the horizon it was becoming painful.

Two savage thrusts and Ben stilled, your cunt pulsing around him as he came with a loud growl. He pressed his forehead against your leg, panting from the exertion. With a forced gentleness he pulled out of you, allowing your feet to rest against the hood of your car. His cum would be dribbling down your thighs if you made to move. There was no scurry to collect a towel, or even to right himself, instead Ben dropped into a squat, gently tugging you further down the hood towards him.

The lave of his tongue immediately delving into your pulsing core. Your head fell back against the metal, your fingers curling into his scalp. His thumbs tugging your lips apart, massaging them back and forth as you inched further towards him until you were able to curl a leg over his shoulder. With each lap into your sex his nose was jostling upwards, brushing against your sensitive bud. Thick lashes skimmed the tops of his cheeks, humming as he drug out the combined mixture of his seed and your arousal. Even the light pressure had you bucking back against him, moaning wantonly. Close, so fucking close. He’d forced you to wait so long.

“ _Ben_ ,” your throat caught in a croak. His head tilting upwards to watch as he meticulously began to take you apart piece by piece. Two fingers moving downwards to fill you, the strokes slow and teasing, nothing like how he was pounding into you before. His tongue tracing unpredictable lines over your aching clit. You pressed him closer with a whimper. Your thighs beginning to shake.

If he stopped now you would surely combust.

The heat was rising through your body until you were on fire. The flame centered in your core. Both fists curling into the hair at the back of Ben’s head, following the torturously slow rhythm. Hips rolling along with him. He could feel it fast approaching, his fingers angling upwards until you could do nothing but gape and scrabble against him as it all came tumbling forward. He sucked hard at your clit, rolling his tongue in circles as you twitched and withered against him. The pressure releasing in pulses, every part of you held rigid. The colours dancing behind your closed eyelids in sparks. He kissed and sucked until you were pushing him away now too delicate to touch.

With a plop he withdrew his fingers, admiring the cum coating them before popping them in his mouth and sucking them clean. You rolled your eyes, melting back against your car, muscles beginning to relax.  

You tugged at his tresses until he slithered back over you, the heat of his body pinning you as your lips found his. In the background Alice Cooper started up the first lyrics of Poison.

“Wait did you make a playlist for this?” laughing you eased out from beneath him, gathering your clothes up from the grimy floor. At least it was laundry day.

He bit his bottom lip giving a small shrug as he bent to do the same. “I mean, I made it a while ago, I didn’t know it would be used like this,” he muttered sliding his under shirt back on.

The look you gave him was skeptical. He’d put together this extremely specific playlist for _you_ but for another reason besides fucking to it. “What did you intend to use it for?” you brushed his forearm lightly getting him to turn towards you after he had finished pulling his jeans over his hips.

“It’s stupid,” he murmured running a hand through his disheveled hair. Reaching out to help you back into your sweater to deviate from your question but you repeated it. There was a pause as he frowned up at the ceiling before tugging you back over to your over turned chair. He righted it and sat down, tugging you to sit down in his lap. “You really want to know?” you nodded and he sighed resting his cheek against your temple, holding your hands between his. “I was going to win you back but every time I worked up the nerve you drew farther away. It was stupid, it wouldn’t have worked. I just… remembered how fond you used to be of those eighties romances with the boom box blaring love ballads. You can laugh, it was stupid.”

“It would have worked,” the smile didn’t meet your eyes, your heart dropping out of your ribcage. It had already worked.

He huffed a laugh, kissing the side of your head. “I know there’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere,” he stroked your knuckles over with his thumb trying to keep the disdain from his tone. His emotions flitting towards somber.

You shifted in his lap, meaning to squirm out of it. The tip of your boot touched the concrete but he wrapped both arms around you, keeping you in place. “ _Ben_ ,” you whined.

“It’s okay, I already know,” the sigh was heavy; miserable.

“Y-you know?”

“Yeah I mean it’s pretty obvious.”

“Fuck, Ben, I never meant for this to happen.”

“I won’t tell him about this, you don’t have to worry about that _sweetheart_ ,” the last word was pronounced with venom as he sunk in his seat. Keeping you in his hold, the tight grasp almost suffocating. _Tell who?_ You were twisting in his lap, desperate to read his expression. He kept you still, digging his chin into your shoulder.

A coil had tightened in your lungs. He really didn’t know. Instead he thought – Kylo or Matt, maybe even someone else had captured your attentions. If only it were that simple. If only you could comfort him but the truth was just as sharp. “It’s not that simple,” with gentle touch you ran your fingers along his arm, leaning back into his chest.

“You’re in love with Kylo,” he chipped back, voice wavering.

 _No, Ben I’m in love with you_.

“It’s not that simple,” you repeated with a snap.

 _I’m in love with all of you and you’re tearing me apart._ _Please don’t do this to me; it hurts. I don’t know how to turn off how I feel for the three of you and I don’t think I can._

It wouldn’t have surprised you if he had decided to shove you off onto the floor and left without a word. Instead he held you tighter. His grip was bruising but it would have left welts in your ego had he shoved you away. “We can’t do this again,” you nodded in agreement feeling the walls of your heart beginning to cave in on one another.

This was it, the tears would come any moment. The grief and pain would spill over the edge and you’d be gurgling your confessions clinging on to Ben for dear life.

Except you didn’t.

With a numb acceptance you peeled Ben’s limbs from around you. “How much do I owe you?” hopefully he wouldn’t hear the scratch of emotion clawing in your throat.

“The sex was payment enough,” he shot back coldly, standing from his seat after you. The warm persona of Ben Organa-Solo vanishing along with the post coitus haze. “I have classes in the morning,” that was your dismissal.

He dropped the keys into your palm unceremoniously. Pointedly opening the garage door for you to back out of. It was time for you to leave.

As much as it pained you to do as you were expected to leave without question you longed to fight. To win him over as he had done with you. Except that wasn’t how things worked.

“Thanks, I’ll see you around,” you grasped the keys until they bit into your palm threatening to break skin, your knuckles paling.

Ben said nothing more to you. Simply watched as you climbed behind the wheel and flicked the engine to life before revving off out of the garage and out of sight.

You drove on autopilot. Not noticing where you were headed. Your mind was too cluttered, your heart too numb. It was possible to have righted this right then and there but you hadn’t. Cowardice was your calling. If you admitted it to Ben then you would have to repeat it to Matt and Kylo. You would have to admit it to yourself as well, the gravity of it would crush you.

The sky gave way to pattering rain drops and you pulled to the curb putting the car in park and turning it off. You hadn’t driven home or to school or even to Phasma’s. Instead you were back at the same park you had coward beneath after the fight with your father; how fitting. You pushed your keys into your pocket, locking the doors behind you as you waded across the road towards the brightly coloured structure. Finding the exact spot you had hidden beneath the slide and sinking to your knees. Already shivering miserably as the wet gravel shifted beneath your weight. The platforms above dribbling water through their many holes.

“ _Fuck_ ,” you whispered pressing your cheek into the dampened pebbles. Curling your knees up to your chest. Breath coming heavy and ragged as you pushed back the tears. This was your breaking point. This was the end.

Ben had confirmed it for you if it hadn’t been screamed clear enough. The Organa-Solo boys were your weakness. You were in love. Surely love didn’t feel like this, like your ribcage was ripped open and tattered to ribbons. But it must because you’d never known something to feel so pure.

You curled a handful of gravel into your palm, flinging it away as you let out the first sob. Screaming into the ground as the claps of thunder gave way.

_Love, only love, can bring back your love someday_

Soaked to the bone after only minutes but you could find no will to move. Still sobbing into the gravel, clawing at it in vain. The remnants of that god damn song repeating its lyrics behind your skull to your screaming protests.

You laid there an eternity, long past dusk. Ignoring everything but the faint ache that had enveloped you. Phasma would be home by now. You needed to talk to someone if only to encourage you to peel yourself from the gravel embedded into your cheek.

Shifting onto your back you dug out your phone. No texts, no calls. You typed into it and pressed it snuggly to your ear, staring up at the faint darkened outline of the platform above you. Waiting as the ringtone buzzed. “Hello?” echoed into your ear and you gripped tighter.

“ _Mom_ ,” the sob came free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm ruining your lives then I apologize, I am also ruining my own with all of the feels.  
> Thank you all so much for being the sweetest souls. Seriously, ever kudos and comment warms my cold lifeless heart. I'm pretty sure you're all masochists for making it this far. It will get better just maybe not that soon. I mean reader has to stop living in denial at some point.  
> ALSO IT'S SEPTEMBER SO BASICALLY HALLOWEEN ALREADY SO BE PREPARED FOR A HALLOWEEN CHAPTER AFTER THE NEXT (chapter 8) BECAUSE I FUCKING LOOOOOVE HALLOWEEN.  
> Also awkward family dinners and screaming matches. Love you all <3


	8. Miss Missing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It should have been a quiet weekend alone with your parents. Instead of your mother making arrangements you couldn't worm yourself out of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to note so that the timeline doesn't get confusing that Canadian Thanks Giving is the second Sunday of October. WAY earlier than American thanksgiving. So this takes place during the Canadian time.

“If I have to listen to this garbage one more time I am going to snap, turn it off!” Phasma chucked a pillow at you from across the room and you popped the earbuds from your ears. She was glowering at you with such menace you quickly hit pause on your music before securing your arms tightly across your chest. “I know you’re miserable but you have to stop moping. Go out, get drunk, yell, scream – _do something_. Hell I’ll set you up with someone if you really want.”

Typical Phasma. “You’re sick of Cindy Lauper?” you cracked a smile only to be pelted by another pillow. “Watch the face!”

“I don’t know how else to help you, this is unhealthy,” more scolding. She’d returned to her position as mother stand in. Except the fact that in a couple hours your real mother would be here. All weekend.

“Just let me get it out of my system until I have to pretend to be eternally happy for the next three days,” you shrugged curling back up beneath the blanket on the couch and resting your head back against the cushions. “Plus I never asked you to take care of me,” that wasn’t entirely true. After hearing you coughing and groaning for over an hour on the phone Phasma had made her way over. You’d been absent from class the previous day and at the rate this was going you were only going to get worse. She’d sent you to bundle up in your pajamas and banished you to the couch while you blasted your ipod, going over your notes for upcoming tests.

With a sigh you turned off your ipod and threw it on the coffee table across from you. Bundling yourself tightly in your blankets as you attempted to ward off the increasing migraine. The house was chilly though that was your own fault. You’d left the window open in your room. As Phasma left you to make coffee you focused on the whistle of the wind against the window frame. In the distance you were sure you could hear the soft whine of a cello. That was the only reason you’d left the window open. At any given time from late Friday afternoon to Sunday evening you were sure to catch it.

Phasma returned with a pair of steaming mugs, placing one in your hands while clutching hers to her chest as she settled beside you on the couch. Her nose wrinkled and you glared down into your coffee guiltily. It couldn’t be helped, really, you just needed that flimsy connection to the melodramatic notes that floated in through the window screen.

That didn’t stop the exasperation from coating Phasma’s expression. “This is how you got sick, isn’t it?” she set her mug down on the table raising an eyebrow and pointing a thumb back towards your bedroom window. To prove her point your door creaked on its hinges as the wind rattled around it. “I know you miss him but this has gotten ridiculous.”

There was no point in arguing you knew she was right in a sense. The night spent wailing into gravel with a symphony of thunder overhead had been the real cause but you felt no need to correct her. Better to keep that tidbit of information to yourself.  You set your mug on the coffee table and dug the heels of your palms into your eyes before slumping back against the arm rest. Scowling at the door frame squeaking back in forth, it was drowning it out. Sometimes, if you were particularly lucky, a piano would be accompanying. You’d only caught that twice since you’d moved in.

Another minute of straining to hear the music beyond and you gave up trying to hear anything behind the howl of the wind. Phasma gave your knee a light squeeze before going to your bedroom and shutting the window.

“Promise me you’ll stop doing this,” the blonde settled back next to you, sipping at her coffee, tugging some of the blanket to cover her lap. The tone of her voice was pleading and you picked up your cup, worrying your thumb into the side of it. It wasn’t that easy. She didn’t just mean being stupid enough to keep your window open at all hours of the day when it was threatening freezing rain. It was everything.

“I don’t know how to do this Phas…” you scooched towards her, draping your legs over her lap. “I’m trying to cope but obviously this- it’s not working.”

She lightly patted your thigh, taking another swig of her drink. All of your conversations had been like this lately. It was a wonder she still came around but you knew she worried. If you were eating then you weren’t sleeping but if you were sleeping then you weren’t going to class. It was a vicious self-sabotaging cycle.

Humming softly in thought she placed her empty mug on the table before turning to look you directly in the eye. “Then stop trying to cope, go after him, fight for what you want,” she raised both eyebrows, ignoring the scowl you were giving her.

Fight for what you wanted? What you wanted wasn’t attainable. You couldn’t have three men at the same time. You couldn’t make them see that you were worth having. You’d ruined it. Burning each bridge and the surrounding area as if you’d never taken heed from Smokey the bear.

“It’s not like I’d get taken back into loving arms,” you shook your head, stifling a cough with your forearm. You laid back resting your head on the arm rest as your lungs wheezed. Massaging at your temples, not that it would help.

“With Kylo, no, Hux would kill you before that happened,” she tapped her index finger against her lips in thought.

You snorted in reply, taking a large swig of your beverage to have it scald the back of your throat. “Matt’s avoiding me just as much as I am him and besides seeing Ben to have my car fixed I haven’t heard a word from him,” you muttered solemnly.  “The triplets want nothing to do with me Phas and I want nothing to do with them. Whatever I’m feeling doesn’t matter. Ben helped me out of pity. Matt can’t stand to look me in the eye when I do see him. Kylo glares daggers with his ginger  prick of a  boyfriend. I give up. I’m… depressed and you’re damn right I’m going to be emotional about it.”

“Who are you trying to bullshit – me or yourself?” she accused lightly making your lips purse in frustration. You knew she was right. “You don’t see the way they look at you. Yeah, they’re all hurt but they obviously love you, kid. There wouldn’t be so much hogwash in the mix if they didn’t. So stop pouting and either get over them or go after them.”

Easy for her to say. You’d failed to mention the entirety of the previous two encounters. If Kylo had wanted you back he would have done so back when you’d been fooling around in the library. Ben was so hostile, if he couldn’t have you then no one could.

You reached a hand out, watching as Phasma tucked her fingers between yours. She was a blessing you never would have thought you could have. Perfectly content sitting in silence you snuggled up to her. She allowed it, having run out of points to throw your way. If you were driven to go after them then she knew you would. Until then you would wallow until you either gave in or got over them. The latter, you feared, would be years in the making.

“Don’t you have to pick up your mom soon?” she gave you a light shake to make sure you weren’t falling asleep.

With a sigh you nodded, tucking your chin beneath the blanket. Three days, that’s all you had to endure. She was adamant on flying out for thanks giving. Claiming that she didn’t want you to be alone. Except you wouldn’t be; your dad would be returning tomorrow. Having them both in the same city let alone the same house was unthinkable yet it was happening. Mom had refused all of your protests, speaking directly to your father. ‘It’ll be nice to have the three of us all together’ she’d snapped in defense but you knew the chaos that would entail.

“This is the worst idea she’s ever had,” you huffed picking at your nails.

It was not the worst idea she could have come up with, not in the slightest.

 

 

Fussing. That’s what your mother liked to call it; the moment when you were jittering too badly to sit still because your nerves had finally run amuck.

There was no arguing with her. You hadn’t seen her in three months and she wasn’t taking your ‘devotion of dramatics’ to heart. Your cold was nothing more than an inconvenience that you were acting up in favor of staying home in her eyes.

“Sit down, you’re giving me a headache,” your father muttered from the kitchen and you begrudgingly curled onto the couch next to your mother. He was anything but pleased as well. The last place he wanted to spend a family holiday was with the company your mother had arranged. Without telling you, you might add. She hadn’t given you time to list all of the reasons why you needed to stay home. The closely bordering fever being one of them.

You’d stopped pleading after the first three hours. Now you were in resolute silence, doing your best to keep your coughing fits at a minimum. Trying even harder to keep your restless imagination from throwing you into hysterics. It was one night, surely you could survive such a short span of time.

The clock on the wall seemed to be ticking too fast. It was five minutes to six. You were leaving as soon as it hit the hour mark.

You took out your phone and sent Phasma a hurried text – **_emergency please call ASAP_**. She was at Hux’s tonight and you doubted she’d bail you out of this one but it was worth a try.

“Honey don’t be on your phone all night,” your mother scowled and you slipped your phone into the front pocket of your hoodie.

“I won’t,” you mumbled defeated.

“Get your shoes on!” dad called from the kitchen to the two of you.

This would be a memorable night indeed.

 

"The boys are downstairs," Leia nodded taking the dish from you. You forced a smile though it was Shy, meek. She checked her watch, "dinner should be ready shortly, and would you mind sending up Matt?"

You minded. You hadn't talked to him in weeks. Now sure enough you were standing in their kitchen wishing you'd come down with a spontaneous bout of small pox. "Yeah, of course," you turned your back to the two women heading towards the basement door. Light was shining from beneath it, three husky voices muffled. You'd do anything to slink back home but your mother was having none of that. You'd have to continue promoting your worsening cold until she finally gave in. Though you doubted she would. By the end of tonight you were sure to be bed ridden.

Each step was a shard lodged into your ribs. The light at the bottom of the stairs giving way to the shadows of the men gathered in the room. The step beneath your foot creaked and the talking paused. _Fuck_ , too late they knew you were here. With a shaking breath you turned the corner, gripping to the side of the wall to keep your legs from turning to jelly beneath you.

Three pairs of eyes instantly locked onto you. Your heart skipped a beat, stumbling slightly as you chanced a step into the room. "Hi," the word was small and if they hadn't been focused so intently on you they might have missed it, followed by a hoarse cough that had your eyes tearing up.

You hadn't expected much from this, that perhaps they'd go back to talking and ignore you. Instead however they had all turned taking their attention away from the game of pool that appeared half over. You were hovering by the wall, gripping onto the beam next to the stairs wanting so badly to bolt back upstairs. They looked taken back by your arrival but we're soon fidgeting with cues in hand. Another row of coughs had you wheezing, hand holding onto your temple. You should be in bed.

"For fucks sake go sit down you're as sick as a dog," Kylo snapped startling you as he leant back over the pool table and took a shot.

Nodding dumbly you shuffled over to the overstuffed arm chair to the back of the room and curled up in it. "Leia wanted you Matt," you sniffled wiping your nose with the back of your sleeve. Resting your head onto the back of the chair as you fought back the tickle in your throat. You'd been much better earlier this morning admittedly.

"Sure," he mumbled setting his cue back on the rack and taking the stairs two at a time. Not able to get away from you quick enough you figured.

"Shouldn't you be at home in bed?" There was concern in Ben's voice and you glanced up at him miserably.

With a huff you shook your head slumping lower in your seat, gripping your knees to your chest. "Mom thinks I'm faking," you mumbled bitterly. Diverting your eyes from the brothers to stare at the lint gathered on the knees of your leggings. The door to the basement opened and shut, Matt returned with his comforter folded beneath his arm. Giving you no opportunity to reject he tucked it over your shoulders before returning to the table without a word. "But I might get you sick!" You coughed again trying to shuffle the blanket off of you.

"It's fine," matt shrugged collecting the balls from the tables pockets to set up a new game. He hadn't fully met your eye since you'd taken your seat not that you could blame him for it. He was far too kind, you'd have been petty in his situation.

You pulled the blanket tighter around you until you'd formed a cocoon. Focusing on the footsteps above you rather than the three of them. This was fine, it would be over soon and you could return to avoiding each other. It wasn't like the three of you wanted anything to do with one another.

"Do you need any Tylenol or anything?" Ben took a step towards you making you shift in your seat to see him.

You opened your mouth ready to respond before Kylo was cutting you off- "Don't baby her she knows exactly what she wants."

"Really, you can't even try to be civil?" Ben spat back.

"Ben, don't," you rasped covering your mouth as you coughed again. "He has every reason to be upset with me, all of you do," you fished your phone out of your pocket intent on busying yourself with something other than them.

You flicked through your photos pausing on one you'd saved of the three of you - you'd found it in a box in the basement last week and snapped a quick picture. In it the four of you were snuggled into a puddle beneath the pool table. You'd set it up as a sort of blanket fort despite Han's protests. The boys were each curled around you, the only sign of you being there were two hands reaching out towards the camera.

You glanced up at the three of them; tall, muscular frames, nothing like when they were small. Sighing you tucked the phone back in your pocket, leaning your side into your seat so you could rest your head on the arm rest. Then shut your eyes doing your best to drown everything out. Life was throwing you curve balls time and time again.

Someone was saying your name and you struggled to sit up. Frowning when the three of them were watching you cautiously. Kylo especially was chewing at his nails, eyes hard. Teeth ground into your lip. One of them would start talking, trying to resolve this to some degree. Not understanding it was too late to fix something like this. They had no idea how you felt. You'd never openly voiced it and you never planned to.

"Does your mom know?" Ben broke the silence and you shook your head before resting your chin on your knees. You'd tried so hard to get her to reconsider  bringing you here but nothing you did worked. How were you supposed to tell the woman who gave birth to you that you had slept with your childhood best friends? You didn't and you couldn't.

"Then we'll play nice for tonight," you hadn't expected that comment to come from Matt. He was bitter about this it shouldn't have taken you so much to notice. Still you recoiled wounded, curling your nails stiffly into your thighs.

"Thank you," numbness was coursing through your body and you slumped back in your seat. This was good, you needed to know how little they cared. That way you could stop caring. Not that you ever would no matter how hard you tried; it was far too late for that.

Leia was yelling from upstairs for the four of you. Kylo and Ben eager to escape the awkward situation headed upstairs immediately. Matt however pushed you lightly back into your seat, standing directly in front of you. Your eyes widened to saucers, staring up at him warily. "Matt?" There was fear in the trembling of the single syllable name.

For the second time that night he met your eye and you practically flinched. Wanting so badly to crawl past him and head back upstairs but it was clear he would not allow that. "I want to clear a few things up," he tested patiently as you nodded slowly, anxiety bubbling in your breast. "I've given you weeks and this is the only way I can get you to talk to me. I don't know what I did to make you suddenly decide you wanted nothing to do with me. Frankly at this point I'm not sure I care. You fucked up here, you obviously know the three of us talk. So what the hell is your deal?"

You stared at him stunned. Unable to find words so he continued. "Was I that bad in bed? That you decide to take another round with my brothers? Or are you so unsatisfied with who you are that you're using the three of us to your own sick means?" He was no longer looking at you.

"No, it's not like that," you watched him shake his head in frustration. "Matt, I- it's not about you. There's something wrong with me, something seriously wrong. I hate myself for doing this."

 _"Then let me help you!"_ He held a hand against your cheek and you recoiled from the touch. He dropped his hand back at his side with a huff of anger.

"You can't help me Matt, no one can," you shrugged feigning apathy.

Leia yelled for you both from upstairs and you began climbing up from your seat. Brushing past Matt who was refusing to move. His fingers laced around your wrist, brows furrowing. "So this is what you want, to just leave this how it is?" His voice was raised in a shout and you hung your head.

You turned to face him reminding yourself how important it was that you ended this once and for all. Kylo and Ben knew the finality of your decision and now Matt needed to know. Except this was so much harder  than it was with his brothers; there had been no resentment to follow back your final push. It had to be done.

" _It is_ ," such a voice was too cold, too piercing to ever have belonged to you. This time it was Matt who flinched back, releasing your wrist as if it had burned him. You forced yourself to step away from him, if you turned back it would leave your words to wither of their meaning. But the wound was piercing too deep making you pause at the base of the stairs. "I never wanted to hurt you Matty," you clung to the banister hearing him shuffle behind you. _But I never meant to love you either and it's too late for that._

He staggered your arrival to the kitchen. An extra two chairs had been brought up to the table making it a cramped fit for the eight of you. A tense atmosphere awaited you; obviously having heard your spat with Matt to some degree. Your mother was eyeing you warily. Hopefully she was unable to hear the gist of it.

The last two open seats were side by side and you were tempted to beg to sit between your mother and Leia. Instead you took the seat next to Ben. By the look Kylo had given it was a smart move. You weren't particularly pining to sit next to the eldest triplet as it was. He'd betrayed your trust - telling you not to speak of your last encounter when Matt obviously knew about it. You'd told Phasma only that the two of you had gotten into a fight.

Matt begrudgingly took the seat next to you without question. You tried your best to shrink yourself in your seat but the table was cramped, the eight of you were nearly shoulder to shoulder. You were bumping elbows with Matt, forgetting that the blonde was left handed still he didn't complain.

Your mother had taken to practically drilling the three boys, asking them to fill her in on their lives. It was uncomfortable to say the least but the conversation was kept from you. This was good seeing as you were leaning over your plate trying to keep upright. There was a pinging behind each eyelid, a tickle constantly in your throat. You'd eaten only scraps of what you'd been served. Appetite lost somewhere between the spats, your cold, and the subsequent numbness coursing through your veins.

This of course couldn't last as Leia turned to you and asked, "How have your classes been going?" You almost choked on your fork full of mashed potatoes. It was such a sudden transition of conversation; the triplets had stilled beside you, each turned in their seat unconsciously.

Any answer would have been satisfactory. Yet you gave the one that would only ask more questions; "I'm not sure they're a good fit," you shrugged biting at the inside of your cheek. Realizing your mistake the moment it came out of your mouth. "I'm just not sure I'm pursuing the right path," that also came out wrong and you dug a trench through your mound of potatoes begrudgingly.

Leia clasped her hands one over the top of each other before setting her chin atop them. She didn't look surprised, unlike your mother. "You still have plenty of time to change your mind," she blinked slowly, letting you register each word. She knew. For that you were certain, her pitying gaze told you that much. Whether the boys had told her or not, it didn't matter, as long as your own parents remained oblivious.

"And what about that boyfriend you've been telling me about?" You could have starred daggers straight into your mother. You'd made it very clear that whatever you'd told her was now null. More than null; obliterated. Your father shifted across the table, expression darkening.

"Mom," you whined covering your face with a hand. Face now beet red. A foot brushed yours under the table, Ben's you assumed but you would not look up at him knowing the scowl that would be present. "Can we not talk about that right this second?"

She gave you the look. The one that chastised and pinned you in place all at once; every mother had one. She wasn't about to let the subject drop.

"I'm sure each of these handsome boys has a girlfriend, there's no reason to be embarrassed, dear!"

Oh if she only knew.

You could have sunk under the table and made a break for it. Except you doubted you'd make it two feet before she snatched you by the ear. You were too worn out anyways.

Everyone was staring at you as you stuttered for words. You could lie and say you were seeing someone but you didn't want to hurt the triplets further. Or suggest you'd broken up but that was implying there was a relationship to begin with. Neither of those options was satisfactory. Stating it was complicated was out of the question because it was over, completely so.

"It's okay, you can tell her," Matt announced smoothly. Tell her what - that her daughter was a whore hopelessly in love with three men? When you continued to stare at him he wrapped his fingers around yours before turning to your mother. "We've been dating for a couple weeks now."

The tension was higher than it had been at any point that evening. Matt had just lied for you. More than half of the table knew this was nothing more than a lie. You hadn't been over here since Ben's explosion. You felt like you couldn't breathe.

"Oh that's wonderful, why didn't you tell me!" Your mother clapped her hands together, looking over the two of you fondly.

You squeezed Matt's hand in a death grip. "She wanted it to be a surprise," he grinned sheepishly. God, he was quite the actor now. It seemed so genuine. Apparently your little spat in the basement could be easily over looked. You would owe him for this now and that was hardly a position you were pleased to be in.

A foot was digging into yours beneath the table and you gave Ben a side long glance. So Ben was jealous even though it meant nothing. Typical. Kylo was also pushing his food around feigning interest, staring hard at yours and Matt's intertwined digits. This was _obscene_.

Matt was stroking your knuckles with his thumb, both of you having lost your appetites. You tried not to focus on anything in particular. A third of the table was glowering at you as it was. Leia didn't appear pleased in the slightest either not to mention your father. He was practically seething across from you; you’d made him the promise to keep a wide berth from the triplets and as far as he was concerned you’d directly disobeyed him.

It wouldn’t be the first time and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. At least you had your mother as a buffer this time around.

Slumping further into your chair you leaned into Matt’s shoulder. If he was going to pretend to be your boyfriend for tonight of his own free will then you were going to play along. He rest his chin on the top of your head giving your fingers a light squeeze. Nausea was playing at the pit of your stomach again having nothing to do with being sick.

Despite the talk amongst the parents having picked up the table was still as tense. Your father was not making his glare subtle by any means. Kylo was picking at his nails with the most sour expression you had ever seen grace his face. Ben was digging his toes between yours the moment you stopped discreetly battling him off beneath the table. Leia appeared disappointed above all else, you doubted you’d have the courage to face her alone if it came to it.

All of this because Matt just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Yes, he was hurt and lonely but he didn’t need to keep putting himself in harm’s way to defend you. He unknowingly had what he wanted. The three of them did. You still had nothing, you were empty because of it.

Your coughing fits continued. If your mother hadn’t dragged you here in the first place you could have believed her pitying gaze. With a soft sigh you tucked your arms across your chest and scooted closer to Matt until his side was pressed against yours. He was currently talking to your mother across the table, you hadn’t heard a word of it, and still without skipping a beat his arm was wrapping around your shoulders pulling you in closer. It was melting you from the inside out.

Ben was the next subject to your mother’s questioning, having gained whatever she sought from Matt. The youngest triplet held you tightly, stroking your arm absent mindedly. If it was an option you would choose to stay here forever just like this; letting Matt whisper sweet nothing’s into your ear as the blush spread over your cheeks. His lips pressing to your temple, his touch soft but firm.

 _Isn’t this what you want?_  Your mind screamed at you lashing back at the doubt pooling in your gut _. You’re throwing it all away again and for what – because you can’t have everything so you reduce it all to nothing._ The voice of reason was pounding in your skull but you kept pushing it down until its’ screams were silenced.

You must have been staring at the table lost in thought for quite some time. Matt was tugging gently on your arm having stood from the table. “Hey, you alright?” he frowned as you finally registered your surroundings.

“Fine,” you shot back jolting to your feet fast enough to make your head spin. Matt kept you from falling back over and you gave him an apologetic half smile in return.

The dining room had vacated. Ben and Kylo were bickering with their mother in the kitchen, your mother having suddenly disappeared. Han and your father had more than likely wandered out to the garage together to escape the fray. Matt was guiding you towards the living room, sitting you down on the couch and wrapping an arm back around you. “Just indulge me this one time, please,” he sighed heavily as you made to squeeze out from under him. Rolling your eyes you sat back, tucking your legs beneath you and curling up against him. “Thank you,” he murmured gently.

You swiveled in his hold, pushing back until you were seated in his lap, your legs draped over the arm of the couch. Matt tugged the blanket from off of the back of the couch and tucked it around you both as you settled into the crook of his neck. “You shouldn’t have done this for me,” your brows furrowed as you picked the lint off of the sleeves of his burgundy sweater.

“Don’t assume I did this for you,” his arms wrapped around you protectively. So this was Matt’s version of selfishness.

With another roll of your eyes you shrugged. It didn’t really matter anyways what he did this for because it wasn’t real.

_But you wanted it to be._

Drumming your fingers along his collar you glanced up to see him focused hard on his own hand rested lightly on your thigh. “What am I supposed to tell them after this, Matt?” you nudged him lightly until his eyes met yours. You paused, wanting to slip his glasses off and clean the smudges littering the lenses with the blanket. Smudges from tears. You tried so hard to ignore the new information as you picked at a stray thread from the collar of his sweater, watching your hands working at the fray as you slowly unraveled the age old garment piece by piece. The words now heavy in your throat, “we can’t play pretend forever.”

“Why can’t we?” he snapped back, brushing your fingers away from the newest strand you were plucking. He pushed a stray hair back behind your ear, allowing his fingers to linger over the side of your cheek.

“ _Because it’s not real, Matty_ ,” you bit hard into the inside of your cheek to dispel the inner voice that was clawing its’ way back out.

He shrugged. “So what?” as if this made absolutely no difference to him. In this scenario you were his and that was enough for him. It would never be enough for you.

Had Ben and Kylo not joined you both in the living room then this spat would have continued. You made no move to bolt out of Matt’s arms. Playing pretend would last until the end of the night. In some stupid way you needed this.

Ben took a seat next to you both as Kylo skirted to the arm chair across from you. It felt so off having the three of them in the same room like this. No one talking, the two other men feigning interest in their phones. The events mimicking earlier today except  how Matt was curled around you, making absolutely no effort to keep his eyes off of you.

“Can you two please tone it down a notch?” Ben muttered giving Matt’s leg a shove with his foot as he sprawled out over the remainder of the couch.

Matt glowered back at him. Ready to snap back before you were elbowing him in the ribs with a scowl. “Can we please not start this right now? Seriously – the three of you, I would like to survive tonight so we can return to our mutual dislike of each other,” you growled out beneath your breath.

“Do you really think you can avoid this forever?” Kylo raised an eyebrow pointing an accusing finger in your direction. Throwing all discretion out the window with his raised voice.

 _No, not right now_. “Kylo shut up,” you warned tensing in Matt’s lap.

Kylo huffed out a sneer, sitting up straight in his seat. “You’re just afraid to admit how badly you fucked up,” he paused to allow the smirk to grace his features. “And you really think you can keep running away and it won’t catch up to you, huh?”

“Kylo lay off, this isn’t the time to do this,” Matt’s voice practically begged as he held you tightly in place to keep you from squirming out of his hold to deck his eldest brother.

Ben pipped up next to him with the same disdain coating his tone, “as if there’s ever a right time with her, stop fooling yourself Matt she just takes until you have nothing left to give, don’t you sweetheart?”

At this rate you’d be storming out of the house to keep from pummeling your fists into something. There wasn’t a right time for this, ever. You _would_ keep running away. “I fucked up okay!” you croaked out burying your face behind your fists. “I fucked up and so did the three of you. If you want to talk about it, fine. But for fucks sake not while our parents are lingering in hearing range.”

That seemed to shut the three of them up. You’d opened yourself up to talking something you were loath to do. Inevitable in the end.

“Can we just be civil for now? Please?” you spat in resting your head back against Matt’s shoulder.  Ben and Kylo muttered apologies while Matt ran a hand through your hair to coax you back to calm. Not that it would work. Fire was igniting from beneath your veins in the form of anxiety.

“When are we going to talk about this?” Ben pressed and you gave him a shrug. For as long as you could avoid it you would. “Not good enough I want an exact date that you have no excuse to flake out of.”

“First week of November, the Sunday,” Kylo snipped in challenging you to retort.

“And if I work?” you frowned picking back at the fray of Matt’s sweater to have something to do with your hands.

“You won’t,” Matt added with a hint of annoyance.

“Fine!” you grumbled sending a glare to each of them. That was the end of that. Your fate had been sealed.

Minutes of sitting in silence before Leia was calling the lot of you back into the kitchen for desert. You would have rather cuddled up on the couch alone before you were finally granted the freedom of your own bed. That wasn’t really an option so you trailed Matt’s heels back into the kitchen, keeping a hand intertwined with his.

Han and your father were already diving into their second piece of pie while heatedly discussing the diagnostics of the newest addition of Lamborghini; something you immediately turned to background noise with your disinterest. Your mother was leaned against the counter going off about some story she’d heard on the news with Leia feigning interest much like you found yourself doing.

“Here,” Ben shoved a plate into your hands that you tried in vain to give back. Except pumpkin pie was your favourite and even if your appetite was nonexistent your mouth had started to drool. “Eat it before Matt does, he’s a pie thief.”

Matt paused mid forkful to glare back at his brother, “you said you were done with it!”

“If we don’t freeze it you eat it while everyone’s in bed,” Kylo chuckled reaching around you to steal a forkful of your untouched pie before accepting the plate Ben was holding out to him.

You held the plate against your chest defensively shoving  Ben’s fork back away from your plate with your own. “Buzz off the lot of you!” defensive eating wasn’t something you’d had to do for a long time now. It was a daily occurrence in this household.

“You’re sick, you’re not going to eat all of it,” Matt laughed trying to snatch at some of it himself.

“Mom!” you shuffled away from the three of them to stand next to your mother.

She rolled her eyes giving the four of you a look before returning to her conversation. Before any of them could advance you shoved half of your small piece into your mouth. The whip cream smearing  along your upper lip. Homemade and still warm, most likely made by Matt himself. You’d die to have this every day.

You shoveled the rest of the pie down, licking your lips clean. Once you’d deposited your plate in the sink you snuck back to Ben’s side, using your fork to steal the last piece of his pie. “What the hell!” he groaned as you stuck it between your lips with a wink. “Kylo you better hurry up, the two of them will finish your plate.”

“Back off!” Kylo warned with a full mouth, guarding the last morsel on his plate as you advanced on him. He was backing right out of the kitchen with you hot on his trail. “I don’t care if you’re a girl, I will stab your hand if you try.”

“No you won’t,” you laughed following him all the way down the hallway.

He was trying to back into his room without spilling the plate and dropping his fork. You slid up to his side, yanking at the plate only for him to push you off with his hip. The tactic wasn’t working. The plate as low enough, you leaned forward, plopping the piece off of his plate and into your mouth with your tongue. “You’re such a fucking brat,” he sighed watching you lick at the whip cream at the sides of your mouth where it had smeared from his plate.

He placed his fork onto his plate with a clink to free one hand as he grasped tightly to your chin. Leaning forward to trace his tongue along the corner of your mouth where the residue of his desert was still lingering. You pulled back immediately, wiping at the streak of saliva. Glancing over your shoulder to make sure no one had witnessed it. He gave your hair a rough ruffle as he brushed past you on his way to the kitchen. “Come on, princess, there’s another piece Matt might be willing to share with you,” Kylo called back.

Kylo was still teasing you and for what reason? He had Hux didn’t he? What more could he want? You shook your head headed back to the kitchen to stand at Matt’s side. Matt was in fact willing to share with you, he’d taken two bites before he surrendered the rest of the plate to you.

“Come on kiddo we should get you to bed,” your dad called from across the room, already marching to the front door to collect his coat. You should have been relieved but you found you were hesitant to leave. Clutching to Matt’s hand you glanced quickly to each brother with a frown. This had become a neutral ground even if for just a small amount of time, you didn’t want to leave.

Matt gave you a light tug out of the kitchen, guiding you back to the entry way. The rest of the party followed close behind. Your mother’s yammering finally ceased and you were sure Leia was relieved to have the three of you out of her house. “Thank you for having us,” your mother quipped with a slur, having gotten far too much wine into her system halfway through the night. “Come on dear, give the boys a hug so we can all get to bed.” Drunk mom was the one who needed to get to bed but you did as she said, advancing on the closest brother.

You wrapped both arms around Ben’s midsection, giving him a rough squeeze that he reciprocated. “We’ll see you around sweetheart,” he smirked as you gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Don’t make me track you down later,” he threatened beneath his breath as you pulled away.

Kylo was next. The mixed signals were getting annoying as he gave you a light squeeze and let you peck at his cheek before he was all but wrapping his arms across his chest to ward you off. Not something you should be concerning yourself with. “Bye, Ky,” you mumbled taking a step back. You swore you could hear him whispering in a _goodbye princess_ before you were turning to Matt.

He looked devastated at your departure. The act would end after this after all. He gathered you up into his arms, tilting your chin to capture your lips with his own. Never mind the fact that you were still sniffling and broke the kiss moments later with your coughing. He didn’t care. “Go get some sleep, babe,” he gave you another quick peck before reluctantly releasing you. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

You nodded dumbly, bending to pull your boots on. “Love you, Matty,” you blurted out automatically before dropping your coat off of the hanger in the closet.

_Shit_

“Love you too,” he gave a smile as you bent to pick up your coat and quickly pulled it on, cheeks ablaze.

_Fuck fuck fuck_

With a small wave back at everyone and a few more good byes you were out the door headed home. The admission meant nothing, you’d been telling them that since you were all tiny. It was a slip. He wouldn’t take it for what it really was, not by a long shot. Maybe he’d mull it over as playing the part.

You slunk back into the house and kicked off your boots before wandering to your room and shutting the door. Not bothering to flick the light switch on as you stripped and crawled into bed. The glow-in-the-dark stars super glued to the ceiling emitting a soft green that you could still see behind your shut eyelids.

Everything would be okay, everything would work out. The gaping hole in your heart would heal and you would lie through your teeth in a months’ time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for this taking way too long to update (considering I'd written over half of it before posting the last chapter) but I somehow caught a cold. Ironically I caught it after writing about reader having one???  
> ALSO LOOK GUYS THEY'RE GUNNA TALK SOON SO THE MISCOMMUNICATION BULLSHIT WILL END, I COULD ONLY ENJOY IT FOR SO LONG  
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I leave you all to pieces. Thank you for reading my bullshit and leaving comments and kudos that make me all warm and fuzzy <3  
> Next chapter is Halloween themed! Full of spoops AND A MAIN PLOT PIECE HOLY FUCK ARE YOU READY?
> 
> Edit: Okay everyone help a girl out - I have costumes planned for reader, Kylo, and Hux but I NEED HELP - GIVE ME IDEAS


	9. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This would be a Halloween you would never be able to forget. Here's hoping you'd survive it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me thank you all for being so incredibly patient with me. I intended to have this up before Halloween and obviously that didn't end up happening. But here is your Halloween chapter with major plot event! I hope you all enjoy and I am so sorry it's so god damn long, I tried hard to write less than 13k but... well you know.

This was a bad idea. An extremely bad idea. The worst Phasma had had yet. She had played off of your stubbornness perfectly, had you played it smart you'd both be out at the bar instead of waiting in line having paid money to get the shit scared out of you. _'It's a tradition'_ she'd told you, _'everyone goes through at least once.'_ Oh but you were doubting that by how many packs of hysterical teens were being escorted out of the buildings side door. Of course you could tap out at any time but with Phasma? That wasn't going to be an option if you were unwilling to be teased about it until old age. And the stupid bet you’d made with your four companions.

She had your conditions - stay with you the entire time which meant she wasn't getting away without you holding her hand. Stating that was fine you agreed to go through. Plus you knew directly behind you would be Poe, Finn, and Rey. As long as they didn't stagger entries you could easily latch onto any one of them. Which you knew, without a doubt, you would be. That didn’t affect the bet, as long as you made it through they’d each be handing you a shiny twenty dollar bill.

The building on the outside wasn't the least bit ominous. Hard to believe it was set up for year round with only the banner atop fluttering in the wind announcing it as the ‘screamatorium.’ You hadn't the slightest idea what to expect, too nervous to be able to latch onto a single conversation. The line had begun around the block and was moving at a crawl at best. Haunted houses were not your thing; getting scared for the sake of fun was ridiculous in your eyes but you wouldn't back down from a challenge. Especially not one from Xena Warrior Princess (Phasma), Stitch (Rey), Venom (Finn), and Indiana Jones (Poe).

It would probably end up being stupidly corny, all the teens ditching the moment someone came around the corner rearing an unbladed chainsaw. That sort of thing didn't scare you. It would be the dark that would do you in; blessed with too active of an imagination for your own good. The dark held secrets. You could feign off the monsters and ghouls as people in masks easy enough. It was the silence, the movement of Shadows that instantly dug beneath your skin.

The four friends were jittering excitedly as you watched the pavement. The cool breeze kicking up around your knees. You smoothed down your skirt, the cufflet around your wrist catching on the material around your hip. Taking another moment to adjust both your tiara and wig. At least if you ran out screaming no one would recognize you. The entire line was a bundle of misfits; dressed already for the evening. From your position in line you could see three girls and a guy dressed in similar costumes. Wonder Woman was a rather popular costume this year. You’d opted for something similar to the original design but there was no way you were going to get caught strutting around in a body suite when there was snow on the ground. So instead your costume donned a mid-thigh length skirt.

"Phas why is everyone going in one at a time?" You tugged on her arm motioning towards the front of the line. That wasn't good, there was no way in hell you were going in there alone.

The blonde squinted against the setting sun, pursing her lips. "They might have changed it this year," she shrugged wrapping an arm over your shoulders. "Too scared to go in alone?" There was a nasty bite in her teasing and you glared up at her.

"We made a deal," you shot back in a growl, crossing your arms over your chest.

Phasma shrugged. "If you're too chicken shit go wait in the car," she was plastered with a gloating smirk.

"Shut up," you snapped back. No you could do this. It would be fine. You'd make it in and out with no problems of the sort.

The line was at the entrance now and you flashed your prepaid wrist band to the attendant. You'd spent forty dollars to go in this stupid thing you weren't about to waste it just because your heart was jumping into your lungs. Phasma was just ahead of you now and she leant back so you could hear her above the din, "I'll wait around the corner for you my little wimp," with a wink she stepped away as the attendant called her forward and slipped into the building.

You tried your best to listen to everything you were being told; no flashlights, no photography, no running, and no touching the actors. If you disobeyed any of these guidelines you would be escorted out. If you wished to leave you need only stand in place and yell 'red' until a staff member came to retrieve you. You'd go through one at a time. There were 10 entrances in total.

There were three levels to the building and only one exit that to get to you would have to traverse each level. For two sections of the building you would be instructed to follow the blinking red dot above you, for the rest of the maze you were on your own.

This wasn't like any haunted house you'd been in before. You were directed to stand it front of a door and instructed to wait until the buzzer went off. The other entrances were nowhere near yours and you stood fidgeting in place. Phasma probably hadn't gone through the same entrance and they'd made you wait five minutes before you'd even been placed before the door. This was all you. There were still ten others that would be wandering around near you, hopefully there’d be someone you knew.

It was a full five minutes of waiting before the buzzer went off and a red light illuminated above the door signaling you to enter. With sweating palms you heaved open the heavy door. A panel of light led down the hall in front of you, illuminating small patches onto the floor for three meters until darkness waited beyond. As the door closed behind you the lights in front of you began to flicker and disappear until there was only a single red blinking dot  hovering overhead. And so it started.

The path ahead of you was clear, the lights had shown as much but as you walked forward following the blinking light the darkness seemed to close in on you. Small ticks sounded in the distance - footsteps and shuffling. Then whispers, the ghosts of laughter. You held onto your elbows as you walked carefully forward. The darkness had not abated, the light making you duck through multiple doorways that were to either side of the main hall drawing you farther into the building.

You'd been stumbling around a handful of minutes now. Your mind running wild. There was a loud crash to your right that made you jump to your left, breath coming out ragged. "Hello?" Enough of that, you were acting like an idiot in a horror movie. There was a brush to your shoulder, the faint feeling of fingers skimming over your bare skin. Your eyes went wide desperate to see what had made the contact. Holding your breath you bolted forward, careening after the red light. Your hands held out to either side of you, touching nothing at all; until the brush of cotton caught your fingertips and you came to an immediate stand still. The red light had disappeared. There was a loud click and an overhead light came to life.

Your hand jolted back as did the rest of you. "Fuck, oh fuck," you whispered to yourself, grasping to yourself desperately. The red light had led you to your intended destination; rows upon rows of fake trees awaited you. The material you'd been clutching to belonging to a figure hanging from said tree. Swaying back and forth from the simulated breeze, the figures feet dangling feet from the ground. From here you could see more of these littered from the trees, even more bodies strewn across the ground.

You had to walk through this to get to the red light flashing off in the distance. Switching between the bodies you tried to distinct between prop and actor; it was impossible. The only one you knew for certain was a dummy was the one directly in front of you and even up close it looked too real. The coarse rope threaded around its’ throat the only tether to the branch above.

There was a shout from your left and you peered through the fake vegetation desperate to see another person that was stumbling through this. Watching the prop you skimmed around it before heading slowly to your left.

You'd jumped four times, three from actors lurching from their perches and once from a prop that had bumped into your side. Ignoring your instructions not to run you dashed to the opposite doorway, clutching to the frame on the opposite side of the forest. Watching behind you as a figure approached. You couldn't tell who it was, an actor, or a player? You stood stalk still, hidden in the half shadow casted from the plastic strips separating the doorway from one side to the other. They were running, glancing behind them as an actor chased after them cackling. The red and blue spandex suite pulled taunt across their muscles. Peter Parker, a very buff version with blonde curled hair and black thick rimmed glasses.

Matt. That HAD to be Matt. You’d bet both kidneys on it.

You latched onto his arm immediately as soon as he burst past the plastic strips, being jolted away from the doorway in the process. Both of you stumbling to the floor in his haste. _" **What the fuck!** "_ He was trying to shake you off, scrambling to detach himself from you by the quickest means possible.

"Matty it's me, I'm sorry," you gave his arm a tight squeeze unwilling to be forced through the rest of this alone. His struggles stilled, scrambling to his knees and pushing a gloved hand through the tresses of your wig to expose your face. He sighed, practically dropping his weight onto you as he leaned into the arms you’d wrapped around his middle.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" He accused, tugging out of the embrace and wrapping his hand around yours to hoist you to your feet. His grip was even tighter than your own. His chest was heaving as he struggled to get his nerves under control. "Just - don't let go," he muttered tugging you along towards the blinking light in the distance. "Wait why are you in here? You hate this kind of stuff."

"Phasma," you grunted cowering into his side as the whispers around you erupted. Your feet bumping into his as you walked. The grip of his hand shifted to looping your arm with his.

The corridor was crawling with hidden shadows, hands brushing you both as you walked. Matt was muttering curses beneath his breath, holding you so tightly you felt your arm might fall off. He was just as jumpy as you were.

"Wait, where are Ben and Kylo?" You groaned reaching a hand out to find the door frame.

"Probably waiting somewhere to scare the shit out of us." You didn't doubt that for a second. The two eldest triplets would always corner the two of you into situations like this when you were younger. One time Ben had locked you both in the shed overnight. Leia had found both of you cuddled up beneath a tarp the next morning. Somehow the dark here felt similar to back then.

You held closer, the metal cuff around your wrist digging into Matt’s forearm. He had positioned himself behind you, his chest bumping into you as you walked in unison. One of your hands was linked with his now while his other clutched to your shoulder. You didn’t doubt for even a moment that he wouldn’t try to use you as a human shield. “Matt stop pushing!” had you been able to see what you were doing you would have shoved him off and made him go first. So much for being the considerate one.

There was an eerie green glow emitting from the hallway. A shadow crept along the far wall and you froze. “Nu uh, Matty you go first, I’m not doing this,” you were wriggling out of his tight hold, attempting to push him in front of you.

“No way!” he snapped grasping you tightly by the shoulder to keep you in front of him. The hold was tight enough to hurt, possibly even leave a bruise. The green light reflected back over his features, bathing half of him to make him look the perfect representation of Jekyll and Hyde.

Well, it came to this and you weren’t about to waste it. The malicious smirk tugged at your lips as you swiveled in his hold. “I’ll give you a kiss?” the purr was enough to run a shiver down his spine. Your fingers lightly tracing his jaw, tilting him down towards you. This was too easy.

The shadow moved and you twisted back around. A figure now standing smack dab in the middle of the hallway, blocking your path. You swallowed while crowding back between Matt’s arms. They were distorted. Half of their face melted away, a limp to their swagger as they inched towards you both. Dragging what looked like the half devoured carcass of a small animal. Your stomach heaved as you took another step back.

“Matt I want to tap out,” you whined digging your fingernails into the flesh of his forearms. This was not what you had signed up for.

“Phasma and Ben won’t let us live it down, come on, it’s just makeup,” he mumbled out bravely, lacing his fingers with yours before he was tugging you down the hallway towards the disfigured creature. He was mumbling curses as you passed them, plastering yourselves up against the wall to keep your distance even as they drug after you with a wail.

Down the hallway you were met with more of these. Most staggering in loops that you were forced to brush past. Some huddled up next to the wall doing nothing more than wailing. A stream of them were hurrying after you close on your heels. Matt held tightly to you, keeping his eyes forward and guiding you along with him.

 The end of the hallway gave way to another patch of darkness. A stair well leading up. Matt was patient as could be as you stumbled after him, clutching to both him and the railing with the limited amount of light to guide you. It was a wonder no one twisted their bloody ankle in here though you were starting to think you might be the first of many to do so tonight. At the top of the stairs rang through the eerie chime of carnival music; the blood in your veins chilled instantly. You shared a worried look with Matt as you headed through the plastic sheathed doors towards it.

Nobody liked clowns, not really. So it was no wonder so many teens were tapping out with the vulgar scene before you. Upturned cotton candy and lollipops littered the floor (though a clear path was available to keep anyone from stumbling). The motionless bodies of children littered in the corners in heaps, all bloody, all motionless. The cackling of actors ringing off of the concrete walls as they skulked about; faces painted in mockingly bright colours to contrast the unproportioned ooze of wounds coating their skin. From beyond the chaos was the entrance to a circus tent built into the building itself.

With a deep breath you led Matt towards the tent. Knowing full well that this was a scene that neither of you were eager to tread through. The inside of the tent was overly bright making you both wince. From the top of the stands you could see other people scurrying from one end to the other; you could swear the head of black hair hurrying through the opposite exit could have been Kylo. Besides that you couldn’t pick out actor, from dummy, from patron.

The surrounding seats to the arena were filled to the brim. Most in large fiendishly gruesome mascot costumes. Most remained inanimate while others swiveled to watch the two of you carefully treading down the steel steps towards the ring. Matt’s hand was slick with sweat, his grip so tight you were losing circulation. This was his worst nightmare. “It’s okay, Matty,” you gave him a light squeeze as his vision swam, not hearing you at all. You found the source of his fixation. “Oh fuck, Matty, look at me!” you grasped at the back of his head and forced him to look you in the eye, his vision skirting to his peripherals before focusing back on you. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.

You knew exactly what he was trying to struggle back into his view. Their stark white face and rainbow afro was at the edge of your vision as well. Matt hated clowns, hate might even be an understatement. You weren’t fond of them either but nothing like him. “Just close your eyes, I’ll guide us out of here, okay?” you pet lightly at his jaw attempting to reassure him. He was already breathing heavily, his pulse sky rocketing. This would be his tap out point if ever there were any.

He nodded, shutting his eyes. It was difficult to maneuver him past the lumps of indistinguishable gore that lay about the ring on the inside. With a deep breath you pressed on, keeping your gaze straight forward, ignoring the multiple figures that were crowded around the ring with you. You could count five of them from your position. All sharp teeth, hallowed out bloody eyes, bright red noses and ridiculous large shoes squeaking with every step. You had to give them credit, they really did go all out here. The rainbow patterned clothing was drenched with blood, their supposed victims carved open at their feet. Then they were moving closer and you were curling your fingernails into Matt’s knuckles as you tugged him behind you with more vigor.

“They’re following us aren’t they?” Matt whimpered out and you hushed him. His hands were white knuckled around yours.

The exit was in sight. Except like before your path was blocked. It was an unfair likeness and even you, who only found clowns to be uncomfortable, found your blood turning to ice. Half bald head, fire truck red hair sticking out inches from their head in a wreath, the bright orange pompoms on the front of their outfit, the black razor sharp claws. Just like the last time you’d seen the 1990’s film adaptation of Stephen King’s ‘IT’ except real and so much worse than you remembered. Pennywise in all his glory except he was drenched in blood.

“Matty keep your eyes closed, no matter what you do,” you whispered to him, treading closer. You had to pass him to leave. There was a lump in your throat, your stomach coiling in fear. It was just an actor but even the laugh sounded far too similar. Matt froze behind you. He’d been hearing that laugh in his nightmares for years. You tugged at him, trying to urge him forward. “Matt, come on, we’re almost out,” you pleaded but he was stalk still and unmovable.

The lifelong fear was partially your own fault, and his older brother’s. The three of you had forced him to stay and watch the entirety of the film after all. Matt hadn’t slept without a light on for weeks afterwards. Halloween had been a nightmare the following three years; he had refused to go out in fear of being snatched up by the creature. It spoke volumes that to this day he would still go ridged at the thought. Tim Curry had certainly made his mark.

If Matt were to open his eyes he would be screaming ‘red’ faster than your heart could make its next beat. You moved back, standing on your tiptoes and kissing at the spot below his ear. “If you get through this without bailing I will spend the next week doing _whatever you want_ ,” it was a desperate resort but it was all you had left to give.

The clown dressed as Pennywise laughed again. Matt’s lips parted in clenched teeth. “J-just go,” he stuttered, clasping both sweaty palms around yours.

A deep breath and you were dragging Matt towards the exit. Pennywise leered at you, lifting up a claw to drag it across Matt’s arm as you passed. He tensed, sucking in a loud breath but kept moving. Through the plastic dividers was another set of stairs leading up. Matt collapsed against the side of the wall, taking off his glasses and running a shaking hand through his blonde curls. You leaned against the stairs banister watching him, nibbling into your upper lip.

“You okay?” you pressed gently. There wasn’t much time to stand around, you had to keep going. But you weren’t about to rush him. On the other side of the plastic barrier you were sure you could still make out the actor’s silhouette.

Matt nodded, putting his glasses back on. “Fucking clowns,” he muttered with a shy grin you could barely make out in the limited light. “Come on, let’s keep going I doubt there’ll be much else worse than that.”

He reached out for your hand as he started back up the stairs. You linked your arm in his, resting your head against his arm. “I thought you were going to pass out,” the teasing was a bit overboard but he gave a laugh in reply.

“Yeah, I thought I might too,” he shrugged giving you a small squeeze.

Just like you were friends, as if all the awkwardness had melted between you. You longed to keep it this way forever, without expectations of anything more.

Matt paused before the entrance at the top of the stairs. “Thank you,” he sighed, teetering on the edge of what else he wished to say. This really wasn’t the time or the place you knew. On the other side of the doorway the shrill ring of a police siren was constantly wailing.

He pulled you closer, dipping down to cup your cheek. His lips skimming along yours. “Matty,” you mumbled into his lips, wrapping both arms around his neck as you leaned into the kiss. Letting him run his tongue along your bottom lip as he held you close to him. “Okay, I’m into this but stop grabbing my ass,” you laughed breaking the contact.

“I-I’m not,” Matt frowned. His hands were on both of your shoulders. So what was –

“What the fuck!” you swiveled on your heel, lashing out with your arm only to make a swish of contact with whatever had melted back into the shadows. Your heart was beating a mile a minute.  Matt had prepared to barge into the shadowy corner until the burst of laughter erupted. “Oh, _you fucker_ , get your ass out here before I slap you!”

The most scantily dressed pirate you’d ever seen. White shirt not bothered to be buttoned closed, tight leather pants that his muscular thighs were practically bursting out of and in some spots they were – the material was riddled with holes. And not to mention that ridiculous hat paired with knee high boots. A rapier was hanging from the red sash at his hips.  He was holding his sides as he finally came fully into view. You stomped forward, giving him a shove that had him laughing harder.

“It’s not fucking funny, Ben!” you snapped, crossing your arms across your chest.

“Oh, come on, lighten up you two,” Ben cracked a smile, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I can’t believe you got Matt past Pennywise, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that pale in my life.” He gave your ass a light spank before heading through the door with a wink leaving you and Matt to gape after him.

“Go after him otherwise he’ll be waiting to scare us,” Matt muttered bitterly, grabbing your hand and hurrying after his brother. Ben hadn’t been expecting you both to follow so closely behind. He scowled as Matt grabbed his shoulder and forced him to slow down enough for you to latch both arms around his waist. Now you had a buffer.

Ben tried to ease you off of him but found you had dug both thumbs into the belt loops of his pants. “Fine, I’ll walk with you cowards but just hold my hand or something, you’ll get scared and have me flashing everyone,” he smirked as your fingers laced through his.

His palm was dry compared to yours and you wiped off the sweat on the side of your skirt before holding tight to him. You’d found two of three triplets, it was better than going through alone. “I thought I saw Kylo when we were in the tent,” you mumbled peering past Ben to the half lit hallway in front of you. “Also you’re an asshole, Ben, how long were you following us?”

He shrugged, glancing over his shoulder with a smile. “A while, I was waiting for the right moment and it appears I found it,” he gloated. Had your other hand not been holding Matt’s you would have smacked him.

The police siren was whirring louder and Ben paused just on the other side of the door with a sigh. “Hey, sweetheart, you might want to shut your eyes,” he warned lightly as you pulled Matt out of the door so you were all standing in a row.

How right he was. As much as the last floor had been Matt’s nightmare, this floor was yours. You could never understand the whole Walking Dead fascination. Sure, great characters but the show had left you with horrible night terrors of the flesh eating undead. You glanced between the two brothers, a shudder running down your spine.

“We’ve got you,” Matt added as Ben led the three of you around the corner.

The first thing you zoned in on were the hordes of actors roaming in packs. Each decked in layer upon layer of special fx makeup. Making them distorted, gruesome, and extremely hard to look at. You hid your face in Ben’s back.

Ben glanced at you from over his shoulder with a sigh. “Matt it’s going to be tight in here, I’ll take her just stay close,” he gave his brother no choice as he tugged you out in front of him. He ran a hand down your arm, leaning in close to whisper in your ear. “I want you to close your eyes and hold on to me, I’ll tell you when you can open them or watch your feet, can you do that for me?”

“I’m not a little kid, Ben,” you scowled but watched your feet, curling both fists into the material at his hips. Thankful that he was willing to take charge. Matt would have done the same but he was just as timid about this as you were.

He huffed out a laugh from his nose, pushing aside the tresses of your wig to leave a kiss along the curve of your neck. “Mm, yes, I am quite aware,” the purr had your insides clenching. At least it was distracting enough as he began to inch you through the crowd of actors. You were watching your feet intently, flinching as hands grazed out along your arms. Ben was doing his best to keep you huddled against his body, baring the blunt of the assault. Matt was cursing loudly behind him, his fist more than likely wrapped around the material of Ben’s sleeve.

Watching your feet could only save you for so long. There were actors dragging themselves along the makeshift concrete. Every part of your body was tensing up watching the spill of fake guts coating in pools around them. It was more than hard to watch. You were starting to feel sick to your stomach.

You shut your eyes, counting the seconds in your head. The distinct smell of a fog machine was making your nostrils flare. Ben stopped, giving you a light shake. “Babe, open your eyes I need you to watch where you’re going so you don’t step on anyone,” he murmured against your ear, his lips tickling the cusp.

A thick blanket of fog was rolling around your ankles. Zombies were still stumbling around the area but nothing like before. Now the ones dragging along the floor were becoming more of a threat. A hand caught at your ankle and you stopped, watching what appeared to be rotting skin leave a bloody streak on your bare skin. “Ben, I can’t do this!” you shook the hand off, taking a step to the side away from them. Practically hyperventilating in your panic.

He caught you by the arm, spinning you to face him. “Breathe, they’re not real and I know you can do this,” his eyes were so gentle, so reassuring. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to your temple forcing the colour to rise in your cheeks.

Matt rubbed a hand along your arm, giving a reassuring smile as you glanced up at him. “The exit’s really close, there’s not much farther to go,” he brushed at the top of your knuckles with his index finger. This was the third floor, it was almost over.

Both of them encouraging you to go on. You glanced between them both before nodding. The bravery was something that burned fierce in your chest. Ben was about to sandwich you between himself and Matt before you pushed around him to lead. The doorway was only a handful of meters away and there were so  few actors milling around. “I need to do this, I’ll wait for you both on the other side,” you gave them a helpless shrug before turning back away from them.

A stupid, reckless idea. You hated this the moment you had stepped even a foot away from the two of them. But they were still in the same room, watching over you and that made it even a little better.

The simulated fog was thick, burning your lungs as you struggled to calm your nerves.  Evolved from a knee high cloud, it was now obscuring your view completely. The doorway you’d slipped through was not the exit but another large room like the last. Except it was impossible to tell exactly where to go. The lights had been dimmed low and you could barely see your hand held above your face. Not to mention the zombies had reappeared, stalking through the fog with no direction, bumping you left and right as you stared down hard at your feet close to hyperventilating. Skirting as far away from them as you could, forcing you away from the soft glow of the doorway you’d just come through and into the void.

You could stop, yell for Ben and Matt until they found you but that would defeat the purpose of your escapade. Not that you were quite sure why exactly you’d decided to pretend you were infallible. After so many weeks of self-doubt it provided your conscious with a sort of boasting right. But you were absolutely terrified now and you longed to be back in both sets of comforting arms.

“You always fucking do this,” you muttered beneath your breath, focusing on how each syllable came out versus the anxiety clawing through your veins.

The wailing of the police siren was now at its peak. Having found the culprit; a police car was tipped on its side, the siren a constant scream that was rattling your eardrums. The flash of red and blue lights were filtering through the fog’s haze. Whoever thought it safe to traverse the space with only the car’s warning lights and headlights had no regard for the difficulty.

The brush of skin on skin had you spinning on your heel. Words dying instantly on your lips. The hope of Matt and Ben having found you evaporating along with the air in your lungs. The actors had been so few in the room you had nearly forgotten their presence all together.  Until now.

You weren’t sure if you screamed. The pressure was in your throat, gagging you on your own air. Your legs growing weak, threatening to drop you to your knees on the floor. If you’d found the syllable you would have tagged out. So close to them, their body heat radiating off onto you, the hum of the growl in their chest making you flinch. Layer upon layer of rotting skin peeling down their skull, half their jaw detached and hanging at an angle. Blood spewing from their cracked and torn lips. Red rimming each overblown glassy eye.

It was makeup, contact lenses, tricks of the eye here and there but you were enraptured. Frozen to the spot.

Their grin quickly turned to a frown. “Hey, kid, you okay?” you could see their lips moving, a string of red drool hanging from their chin. But the words weren’t making any sense. Your head was ringing, the edges of your vision now fuzzy.

They were about to signal for help and still you were wavering on your feet. This wasn’t entirely fear, was it? The effect was starting to wear off from its’ novelty. The pit in your stomach becoming a gnawing hole that was threatening nausea.

There were hands on your shoulders that you couldn’t brush away. Gently leading you forward away from the actor who was nodding and offered an apologetic smile in return. On grounds medic or security? You weren’t entirely sure. They guided you forward carefully, making sure your knees weren’t about to buckle. The rest of the maze whizzing past until you were stepping through the next doorway and into a dimly lit corridor with two elevators and a flight of stairs. Leaning you up against the nearest wall they helped you slowly drop into a crouch as you heaved for breath, curling your fist into their sleeve.

You were staring at the tiled floor, fighting off the urge to press your cheek to the flooring to let it ground you as your stomach did back flips. The strict command of ‘ _breathe’_  being repeated until you finally gave in and followed suite. You hung your head between your knees.

They sat down next to you, draping a heavy weight around your shoulders. A cloak. Unlikely a medic or security then. Unless everyone here dressed up. “Thanks,” you mumbled, tugging the material to shelter your trembling hands.

“You should know better than to go off alone,” the deep voiced scolded lightly forcing your eyes upwards.

Always. You hadn’t even needed to look. You bit at your lip self-consciously, giving a solemn nod. “Y-you won’t tell anyone?” you were struggling back up to your feet. Not wanting Ben or Matt to catch you like this if they were to burst into the corridor.

The hand laced around your wrist, tugging you back down next to him. Forcing you into his side with an arm around your hip. “Catch your breath,” he muttered giving you a light squeeze.

“Kylo, I’m fine,” you grumbled but leant into him. Not one to refuse the warmth and security he was offering. Even if this – the small amount of contact, the concern, the way his thumb was worrying into your ribs – wasn’t meant to last. It never would be, that wasn’t how this worked but you would accept it while you could; while he was offering it and before you were forced to bury your feelings for good. “You’re always saving my ass.”

He shrugged. “Princess’s need saving,” he chuckled at his own joke much like his father might. With a shift his cheek was rest against the top of your head, rustling your wig slightly off center. “My personal damsel in distress it seems.”

You rolled your eyes nudging your knee into his. Hux was high maintenance, you were bare minimum in comparison. Phasma told you the stories, you knew pretty well what Kylo was dealing with.  Yet always with the nickname. Princess. What the hell did that make him, your _knight?_

Footsteps were coming from down the corridor. You should move away, keep anyone from making assumptions. Everyone knew Kylo and Hux; it was dangerous to be seen like this. Except you stayed in place, contently resting your head on Kylo’s shoulder and shutting your eyes. His lips pressed to your forehead, barely a touch.

Mixed signals, he had to stop doing this.

Ben and Matt came shuffling from around the corner. Both stopping before the two of you hesitantly. “Hey,” you mumbled, quirking your lips into an apologetic smile.

“We didn’t hear any screaming and got worried,” Ben sat down next to you, pressing himself right up against you, ignoring the fact that Kylo refused to let go and was looping his arm over your shoulders.

You rolled your eyes before giving him the stink eye. Ben stuck out his tongue and gave you a light squeeze. Now watching as the youngest triplet sat and crossed his legs directly in front of you, subtly offering a gloved hand for you to take. Less subtly you weaved your fingers through his, pulling his hand beneath the cloak. “If it wasn’t for her I would have tapped out on the first floor,” Matt gave Ben a matching glare to your own. “How far ahead were you?” he frowned over at Kylo.

“I looped back after waiting here a good ten minutes to find you idiots had deserted her,” Kylo pointed an accusing finger at both of his brothers with his free hand. No one pipped up to mention that you had wandered off on your own. He already knew as much.

Both Matt and Ben gave their brother a scowl, keeping their mouths shut. “We should probably get moving, we’re a tripping hazard like this,” you glanced between the three of them, attempting to keep the smug self-satisfied grin begging to shine through under wraps. You had them exactly where you wanted them, each sitting close enough to feel their breaths. Maybe you should find this embarrassing. Except they didn’t. They weren’t trying to shove each other off and besides the light (absolutely normal) bickering there was no play on power. It just was. The four of you coexisting as if you could become one entity. It was making the fall all the harder.

You sat together another handful of minutes before collectively you agreed it was time to leave. There were people waiting for you all on the outside. Even if leaving the huddle meant it would break the spell. The moment you rose to your feet you mourned the loss of the connection you couldn’t put into words. Glaring daggers into the tiling as you mounted the elevator that would bring you farther away from the chosen isolation made for the four of you.

Outside the sun had given way to dusk. The wind now a battering cold that whipped across your bare shoulders. You squeezed tighter to Kylo’s side, hiding beneath the heavy velvet inside of his cape while you clung steadily to Ben’s hand. Cowering away from the elements between the two brothers.

A small band of people had gathered just outside the door. Their laughing and shrieks howling against the silent night. As you approached you were able to make out various faces; Poe, Rey, and Phasma. You tugged the two men towards the three.

Phasma stepped to the side and you stopped dead, releasing hold of both brothers. Hux. The redhead was staring straight at you, burrowing his gaze beneath your bones. Kylo frowned back at you, gently tugging at your elbow. The eldest triplet making sure that your shoulders were covered.

You stopped a couple feet away, refusing to budge an inch closer. Hux’s chin jut to the side, his nostril’s flaring as he overlooked the four of you. His finger’s slipping out a cigarette that he perched precariously between his lips before lighting it. The drags he took were slow, exhaling through his nose. You felt pinned by that lingering glare. _Did he know?_

Phasma leant close to him, nodding as the ginger spoke. Her eyes shifting over to you before her back straightened. She shot Hux a scowl before closing the few steps towards the four of you. She gave Kylo a soft shove to the side before pulling you into her arms. “I feel like I’ve been waiting hours, I was expecting you to tap out,” she offered you a grin that had you rolling your eyes. She leant lower, her lips playing at your ear. “ _Hux is in a dangerous mood, be more careful_ ,” the hiss was low and discrete. You pulled back, watching her eyes flick over your face warily. It must be difficult for her to be caught between the two of you like this. You nodded.

“You could have gave me a little more warning!” you shot back, taking a step out of her hold. A double meaning to your words. She sighed, squeezing your hand with a small smirk. “If I hadn’t run into Matt I would have been out on the first floor,” you reached out with your free hand to lace it through his. “Thank god for spider-man.”

Matt’s grin was unabashed. Leaning down to leave a kiss on the side of your cheek. You didn’t bother to brush him off; hoping Hux was taking notice, that Kylo was not an objective. Though – neither was Matt but the ginger did not need to know that.

“They were both scared shitless when I found them,” Ben cut in, challenging his brother with the kiss he left on your opposite cheek. You were blushing furiously, trying to squirm out from between the two. Ben barked a laugh, watching you cling to Phasma’s side with a glower.

You skirted away from  the four of them, sidling up next to Poe and Rey. “Looks like you all owe me twenty bucks – where’s Finn?” you grinned at the two of them.

Rey shuffled in her pocket, withholding her twenty dollars with suspicion. “Finn made me tap out, I could have gone through without him but he wouldn’t leave without me,” she cracked a perfect smile, the brown of her eyes twinkling. She held it out for you and you took it with a wink. “Finn went to the bathroom, he takes forever in that ridiculous body suite, he’ll be pissed you made it through.”

Poe nodded in agreement, handing over his own twenty dollar bill. “Good job kid, Phasma had us convinced you wouldn’t make it through,” the full tooth grin was infectious. Just like Indiana Jones himself, there was a certain likeness between the two that had you beaming.

“I’ll buy us a round with the winnings,” you laughed slipping the bills into the small pouch at your side.

There was a pause as the two of them shared glances. “Hux is having a party tonight,  Phas didn’t tell you?” you weren’t sure which one of them announced it. Your vision had shifted to the left, watching the redhead pull Kylo down by the collar for a kiss, smoke fanning over the larger man’s face as he exhaled. He pulled away slowly, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips. He took a final drag of his cigarette, tossing it to the ground and extinguishing it with his shoe.

_Why was Kylo playing with you like this?_

He was enamored by the red head, slotting him tightly against him. Making your chest constrict. His gloved hand cupping his jaw as he murmured something down to him. The redhead scowled, shaking out of Kylo’s hold. Forever arguing.

Rey was shaking your shoulder gently, the fake fur of her gloves brushing soothingly across your skin. You glanced towards her, jolted from your thoughts. “Are you coming with us?” she smiled, you were sure she had repeated that a number of times before you heard.

It wasn’t like you were welcome to attend. Hux despised you at best. You pursed your lips, giving a sad shrug in reply. Not like you couldn’t head home and hand out candy for the night. Less desirable an option but it was safer than being caught intoxicated with the rest of your friends.

You glanced over Phasma’s way, she was laughing with Ben and Matt. Kylo and Hux were no longer anywhere in sight.

Matt was motioning you over. “I’ll be right back,” you gave the two a smile before returning to the other three. You longed to hide your fists in pockets. Keeping out of both brothers’ reach you leaned into Phasma, her arm slipping around your shoulders. “I think I’m going to head home,” you mumbled. Too exhausted to even fathom  a party at Hux’s.

“A pretty girl shouldn’t be home alone on Halloween,” Ben announced seriously.  Matt was nodding in agreement, your eyes rolling halfway into your skull. “I mean it, there’s tons of sickos out and about this time of year. I don’t want you home alone.”

“Ben has a point, I don’t want you home alone either,” Phasma added with a frown.

Of course they would worry about your wellbeing tonight of all nights. It was either go home and worry them and yourself or go out and be miserable at Hux’s where you were clearly unwelcome. You were about to tell them exactly that when the hand rested on your elbow.

You glanced to the side, taking in the manicured nails and ghostly white skin, the blood red ring adorned on their ring finger. Preparing yourself for a fight in the middle of the street as the redhead urged you to face him. He towered over you, only slightly shorter than the triplets themselves. You had never been this close to him before. The rich whiff of treated leather rolling off of him in a pleasant wave. A dark hickey was just beginning to form beneath the white collar of his costume. Only Hux would be so bold as to wear a snow white suite with matching cape. Topped off with a  crown of gold leaves atop his immaculately styled hair. Only now realizing Kylo was the knight to Hux’s emperor. You weren’t sure if it was poor taste or the bitterness had seeped from your boiling blood.

“I’m afraid I’ve been rather rude,” he began patiently taking you by surprise. His hand trailing down your arm to hold your wrist. It seemed innocent enough but you could see the threat in the gesture. “I am having a party tonight, _you should come_ ,” he gave a peak of his perfectly straight teeth. You nodded dumbly, unable to take your eyes off of him in fear he would strike. “Then I look forward to having you,” he lifted your hand to press his lips over the top in a light kiss before sauntering off into the crowd.

_Hux was challenging you_

Stupid to reject. Even stupider to follow along with the request. You curled your fist to the side, shivering both with the cold and the unspoken threat.

 _You weren’t going to let Hux win._ The thought was stronger than anything you’d ever felt. A flare of passion coiling in your chest. Hux would walk all over you if given the opportunity and you would present it to him no longer.

With a sneer you were turning on your heel back towards your companions, schooling your expression back to normal once in their sights. “I’ll go,” you announced to them as clearly as your voice could manage.

“Great! Need a ride?” Matt chipped in and you nodded gratefully. Phasma’s range rover would be full  with Rey, Poe, and Finn.  You weren’t fond of being shoved in the back seat between the two men like you’d been on the ride here. They were a joy to be around and though they weren’t as enormous as the triplets you found you disliked being squashed between the two.

“We’ll meet you guys there, Poe needs to stop at home,” Phasma clapped a hand on your back before giving a wave as she walked towards the trio. Finn having now joined the other two, he had his mask curled in his fist and was somehow sporting an expression somewhere between sour and humored. Must have found out you hadn’t flaked, you waved a hand at him, sticking out your tongue. His lips tugged into a smile, crossing his arms across his chest before Phasma was hearding them all off around the corner. You’d made the hardest eighty dollars of your life.

Leaving you alone with the two brothers. You followed at Matt’s heels as he started off towards the mustang that was parked around the corner. Kylo had headed off with Hux already, you tried to ignore the way your skin was crawling. Ben held open the passenger side door for you to slip in to. It could have been just like those few months back all over again. You waited for the brothers to take their seats and buckle in before you placed a hand over Matt’s on the gear shift. Forcing him to meet your eyes, your fingertips trailing over his knuckles. “I don’t want a repeat of last time, whatever’s going on between all of us, I don’t want to fight tonight,” you placed your hand back in your lap, gazing from between the two of them.

“No fighting, promise,” Ben agreed immediately.

Matt was more reluctant to agree. “Are you expecting us to pretend our feelings for you don’t exist?” he gripped tighter to the steering wheel, pulling out onto the street faster than necessary.

“That’s up to you,” you gave a sad smile. Knowing it was a truly awful idea. That you would whittle away every last defense your heart had ever built.

This was the last push before you’d be giving it all away.

 

Sometimes it wasn’t that hard to tell how a night like this would end. The way the music was pounding so loud your ears would still be ringing the next day. The mindless pushing and shoving of drunken party goers trying to get from point A to point B without losing an eye on someone’s overdone costume prop would leave you with patches of ‘unexplained’ bruises.   The way you were constantly trailing on one of the triplets heels like you promised yourself you would avoid (the alcohol was obviously to blame for this childish behavior) would leave you empty the next morning.

You hadn’t drank that much. A couple overly generous mixed drinks with another half full still in hand. Taking it slow just as you had promised yourself. There was a haze coating your mind but it was still clear enough that you could focus. That was one of the goals of tonight: stay coherent enough to be in control. No mix ups like last time, you wouldn’t be following anyone back to a bathroom for an ‘oral examination’ as much as you were itching to stick your tongue between Ben Organa-Solo’s  lips as he licked the line of salt off of the back of his hand before taking his tequila shot.

Nu uh, not going there. He could hold onto your hips, run his fingers over your knuckles and pepper you in kisses all he pleased. But alone time was prohibited (as much as you hated yourself for it). Tonight you were neutral ground, leaving the triplets to their own devices. Both Matt and Ben of course were taking advantage of this.

Matt was just as bad as Ben if not worse. Pressing you against his chest, holding you in his arms, leaving lingering kisses on your cheek. Less subtle. Had everyone been sober you doubted the actions would go unnoticed. Your own friends were paying the brother’s rather obvious attentions no mind. Something so simple as affection was overlooked, it didn’t matter when everyone was intoxicated and partially anonymous with their chosen disguise. No one except the ominous bright patch of ginger that was keeping a frustratingly watchful eye on the three of you.

Hux had a problem with you, that was clear enough. He had never acted on it so you weren’t worrying yourself stupid, not yet that is. He still had Kylo wrapped around his little finger as it was. Though you were beginning to suspect just how little the eldest triplet was enjoying himself from the glares he was sending your way. He wasn’t drinking, you wondered if he ever did. Kylo wasn’t one to let his guard down around others. Maybe it was the way the ginger’s boy toy refused to make his jealousy discreet that had him in such a tizzy. It didn’t matter. If Kylo wanted, Kylo could have, he just had to make his way over and join.

At the moment Matt had you sitting on his knee due to lack of seats. An arm laced around your waist to keep you in place as a group of you crowded around Rey rehashing the short lived trek through the ‘screamatorium’ with Finn. Everyone was laughing, even Finn himself but you found yourself distracted.

A group of six held close to Kylo’s side, all swathed in black in some sort of sparring garb you couldn’t quite make out. More than likely his band members. Though it was even harder to tell which was which. Not that you’d ever met them in person, only ‘stumbled’ upon them through in-depth facebook stalking during one of your lower moments when you couldn’t keep the Organa-Solo boys off your mind and Phasma had left you to your own devices with an open facebook page. Curious. You’d never seen Kylo with anyone other than his brothers or Hux. At least there was a life outside of Hux. The inkling of hope was too bright of a beacon in your chest.

Hux had a similar entourage. Each wearing horrific life like rubber masks of long dead celebrities with formal wear. An odd thing to wear to a Halloween party but you knew the group. In fact you had classes with a few of them; Hux’s inner circle. He’d met each of them at military academy – Phasma had admitted after one too many bottles of wine – each as loyal and boot licking as the last. Had Phasma not been made of harder steel she might have been one of them versus an equal.

You disliked how Hux was jutting his chin in your direction, fixing you with a steely stare. A prickle of dread running down your spine.

Ben was tugging you out of Matt’s lap forcing your attention to falter from the ginger slipping into the crowd. “Stop daydreaming, we’re doing shots!” Ben sang, tugging you towards the glass coffee table across the living room. It had thankfully been cleared before he was sprawling himself over it, pushing his costume out of harm’s way as he handed you a translucent bottle. “Come on girl, poor some sugar on me and have a taste,” he grinned wickedly tilting your wrist forward towards him.

“Ben Organa-Solo wants me to do body shots off of his rock hard abs?” you rolled your eyes handing him back the bottle. “No way, next you’ll have me doing them off Matt then suggesting I follow you back to a closet for seven minutes in heaven.”

An even wider grin, if ever it were possible had him yelling for his brother, making you groan. The youngest brother approached with eyebrows raised, arms folded across his chest. “We both get seven minutes in heaven if we let her do body shots,” Ben chirped out making you groan.

“I did not!” you protested even as Matt was kneeling on the floor next to you. Reaching back for the zipper at the back of his collar with fumbling fingers. “Matt if you unzip that thing, I swear to god neither of you are laying a finger on me for the rest of the night.”

 “Oh come on, just one shot each, live a little,” Ben pleaded pulling you a bit closer towards him. “Maybe we’ll even get Kylo over here,” he was about to slip off of the table and lope off towards his brother before you were pressing his shoulders back into the glass.

The smirk he gave you was victorious. “One shot each,” you warned the two of them. Holding up your index finger to enforce your point.

The bottle Ben had handed you was a half empty bottle of Patron. _Tequila_ , he had to be joking. Glancing between the two brothers you gave an exasperated sigh. Matt was already laid up next to his brother, his skin tight suite bunched up over his hips to give access to the small dip of his bellybutton. “You two are enabling _menaces_ and I despise you both – if I puke this up later one of you better be holding back my wig,” they both beamed back at you seeming overjoyed by your irritation. “Phas, I need the salt!” It was handed to you without questions, Phasma too absorbed in her conversation with Finn and Rey to pay you any attention.

“Come on sweetheart, don’t be shy,” Ben purred as you leant over the table, their thighs brushing against you on either side.

Rolling your eyes you held the salt out, leaving a slim line on both of their abdomens. With shaking hands you poured the alcohol into each waiting convex button.

Bastards, _why the hell were you doing this._

Ben’s abdomen flexed, the tequila rolling down his sides and into his costume. “Really? We know you have an eight pack, stop flexing, for that you go second,” the scolding was accompanied by a light slap to the inside of his thigh as you leaned over Matt whom, unlike his brother, was holding stock still.

Matt’s body trembled as you laid a hand on his thigh to steady yourself, leaning low, your breath tickling the treasure trail of darkened hair playing just beneath his navel. Stealing a heavy breath your lips sealed around the dip, sucking the alcohol into your mouth. Matt hissed a sharp _fuck_ beneath his breath.

Above you Ben had sat up and was furiously gesturing over to you, “ **KYLO!** ”

That asshole!

You licked the line of salt, sneering as the burn lit in your belly and the after taste assaulted your palette. There was now a line of saliva to match where the salt had been. With a giggle you left a kiss on Matt’s side, a faint red lipstick imprint remaining. You were preparing to drag back up to your feet when Ben caught you by the wrist with a pout. “You said one each,” he reminded holding out the bottle to you.

“Benny you’re a brat,” you hissed pushing him back against the table. The salt had shifted about his stomach and you hastily formed another line.  Filling his navel as carefully as your shaking hands could manage before your lips were forming around him and suckling it into your mouth. Watching him from beneath your lashes as your tongue teased the flesh before licking off the salt and sitting back on your heels.

Ben was trailing after you, eyes hungry. Licking his lips in anticipation of taking off the rest of your fading lipstick.

 _No way_ , you pressed a hand to his shoulder as you righted yourself back to standing. Taking a step back away from him. “I’m embarrassed to be related to you two,” Kylo was now standing next to you with arms crossed over his chest, scowling at Matt struggling to zip back up his suite before submitting to his brother’s help.

Suppressing a roll of your eyes you turned to face him. “Where have you been all night, moody?” you gave him a nudge of your elbow that came as more of a jab.

He shrugged, delving his hands into his pants pockets, continuing to avoid eye contact. “Around,” he muttered flatly. Oh he was miserable for sure. You reached out to ease his hand out of his pocket, linking your fingers through his and giving a reassuring squeeze. It was his turn to roll his eyes but the slight quirk of his lips had you grinning ear to ear.

The uncomfortable feeling of eyes watching the back of your head had you turning on your heel. No culprit to be found but the feeling remained. Retrieving your hand you took a step away, frowning into the crowd. “I’ll be back,” you mumbled to Kylo, slipping off towards the bathroom.

You made it to the other side of the living room before the hand was curling around your shoulder. Chest tight with your held breath you slowly swiveled around, expecting what you feared most. “Oh, hey Mitaka,” the tension in your lungs released.

Mitaka was in your civic studies class. He was quiet and you’d spoken only in passing but you knew each other by name.

He seemed to pause as if struggling to find words. “Phasma asked me to come find you,” he fumbled, gripping the Ronald Regan silicone mask he’d been wearing earlier tightly in his fist.

Great, you were probably going to get a stern scolding for yapping at the triplet’s heels all night. “Where is she?” you scanned the crowd with a frown.

“I’ll take you to her,” his nervous smile was trustworthy enough.

There’s always that part in a horror movie where you go and think ‘no one would be stupid enough to do ___’ but they still do. They know they should run, or sit tight, or go get help but they don’t.  This was your moment. The one where, had you been thinking straight and been some sort of sober, you would have ran in the opposite direction. No, you followed the foolish notion that friends of friends could be trusted. Trotting after Mitaka as he slithered his way through the crowds with not a single thought of possible malicious intent.

Your rational mind was peacefully at ease even as you descended a flight of stairs down into the basement. Somehow oblivious to the door shutting behind you and the lack of bodies crowding this level of the house.

It wasn’t suspicious in the slightest until you both rounded a corner into a darkened room. Mitaka having slunk ahead into the shadows leaving you to squint from the light of the rapidly closing doorway. You paused, taking a deep breath as the room plummeted into darkness. Willing yourself not to panic, you stayed in place, waiting.

Moments later the lights were back on. You swallowed thickly. Taking a moment to scan the room before walking further in, distancing yourself from the walls and joining the man standing in the centre. Away from the masked group lining the walls, guarding your escape; at least fifteen of them but you were too focused on the redhead to count.

“What’s going on?” the question sounded dumb out in the open and you clenched your jaw at the grating resonance of your wavering voice bouncing off of the high ceiling. “You didn’t need to lure me down here.”

Hux paused but a moment before approaching closer, the heat of his body radiating from where he stood. You fought to suppress the shiver running up your spine. “I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but you have proven my misgivings accurate,”  he spoke slowly as if to a child. You remained silent letting him continue. “Obviously you’ve misunderstood my leniency; gone unpunished for your transgressions for too long and that just won’t do.”

“Transgressions?” you echoed him, brow furrowing.

He let out a curt laugh; humorless. “Did you think I had no idea what you’ve been doing?” He cocked his head to the side, observing your breath falter. “Tell me, how many times have you convinced him to sleep with you, you little harlot.”

_Shit._

“Hux, I-“ he cut you short with his glare.

“You weren’t satisfied with having just one of them either, no,  you just had to have all three,” Hux sneered letting the words sink into your skin creating wounds. “Look at you, look at how selfish you are. You strung them along and left them to dry. You’re pathetic.” He ripped at those same wounds, making them ooze from the hole he’d ripped in your chest. The cavity exposing the aching muscle that pumped blood through your veins.

The group drew closer, blocking off any chance of escape.

 _Fight or die_ – your instincts were screaming but you knew your chances were slim. This was his military brat brigade, each could over power you on their own.

Another step back, as much as you could to distance yourself from Hux. While he stalked around you as a predator stalks prey. You swallowed, glancing between the masks of his inner circle. “Is this supposed to scare me?” you snapped, sneering as you stilled.

Hux cocked his head to the side, a smirk tugging at his lips. “You’re already terrified,” he stated patiently, taking a step closer that you would not retreat from. Sizing him up though there was no chance you could fight him, not when there were fifteen others that would back him up. “And you have not denied my claims.”

“What do you want from me?” the air deflated from your lungs catching the malice reflected in his cold leer. How far was he willing to take this to defend what he claimed as his.

He tutted softly, shaking his head. The atmosphere of the room growing colder. It was clear he held all of the cards; he always had. You flinched back as his fingers stroked over your jaw. There was nothing soothing about the action. “I haven’t the slightest idea what they see in you – so average, so little to offer and yet they continuously choose you,” he grasped your bicep in a punishing grip, forcing you to stay in place. “You think I’m going to hurt you,” he paused to let the titter of laughter drop the dread into your heart, “oh, I’d like to. But that would solve very little and so you and I are going to make a little _compromise_.” He was reaching into his pocket with his free hand.

The light of the overhead fluorescents reflected off of the object. You coward back, turning your head to the side, expecting a blade to be pressed into your skin. Instead he pushed the screen of his cell phone against your ear, the dial tone already chirping. He leant closer, the huff of his breath washing down your cheek. “Beg them to come for you,” he instructed patiently, keeping the phone flush against your skin as you turned to see him.

“Hux?” the voice intoned on the other side and you closed your eyes, breathing in sharply. Kylo.

You gaped up at Hux. Running your tongue over your lower lip, your mouth now dry. “Ky,” his nickname came out weak and you bit the inside of your cheek. Glancing up at Hux cautiously. The ginger’s expression was neutral but the fingers biting into your skin spoke volumes. You rasped out a slow breath. If you complied he’d let you go, the brothers wouldn’t let him hurt you. You needed them down here – fast. “I-I fucked up my ankle, can you send Ben and Matt?” Not good enough. “I’m down in the basement with Hux but _he can’t help me_.”

“What the fuck is going on?” Kylo snapped on the other side.

Hux tucked the phone away from your ear, hanging up and sliding the phone back into his pocket. “Now,” he began, flickering over you from top to bottom with a scoff.  He turned you to face one of the shelves lining the wall, pointing to a mundane object placed in the middle of the shelf. The frown of confusion had him sighing irritably. “You are going to do exactly what I tell you. Or, you’ll find yourself black listed from every university, community college, and back water hole you apply to starting with your immediate expulsion. All I have to do is make the call.”

“I’m listening,” you spat. Keeping an eye on the teddy bear dead center on the shelf. A nanny cam you realized. He had you exactly where he wanted you.

“You’re going to tell those three boys the truth, that you’ve used them,” each word grew colder as the heat of your cheeks rose. “And I’m going to broadcast it to every soul under my little roof. You’ll tell them how you’ve fucked them and fell for each one. Then you’re going to leave and if you’re even a blip on my radar tonight, well, say goodbye to your education.”

“And after tonight?”

Hux shrugged, waving a hand distractedly. “I will play nice with you, if they want you after this – which I doubt, I’d let them have their spoiled goods under other circumstances. But I’ll take no risk that you’ll cross me again and there will be more than your education at risk should you try. Stay away from them, all three of them.”

_All three of them_

You sneered back at him, anything to hide the scrapes his nails had left over your heart. He wanted to humiliate you. He wanted to make you pay and this was the price you would to get out clean. Except this was likely to tear you apart. You locked eyes with the redhead. “ _Fine_ , you’ll get what you want but it’ll just drive him farther from you,” you doubted that was something Hux was particularly concerned about. If you were to go after any of them he’d have you expelled before you could lay a single scratch on him.

“You don’t know Kylo like I do,” Hux lilted darkly, releasing your arm and taking a step back.  He turned his back to you, knowing you wouldn’t move from your spot. “Gentlemen, make yourselves scarce,” he glanced between his friends before fixating on Mitaka. “Make sure everything is in order for our main event,” he snipped and the man nodded before trotting off.

“Is this how you destroy all of your competition?” you glared at him from below your lashes, digging your fingernails into your palms.

“You are one of few stupid enough to challenge me,” he raised a single eyebrow. “I suggest you get on the floor, you claimed to have hurt your ankle, did you not?”

You held back the urge to curse at him as you dropped to the floor onto your ass. A serial killer was likely to be more merciful than Hux. To think he lured you down here only for you to be sprung into such a well thought out trap. He could hurt you, drive the message home with a blade and he was managing to restrain the urge to do so but just barely. The man was tactical and he had much grander plans in the long run.

You watched him as he began to pace the length of the room. The thought gnawing at the base of your skull. “Do you even love him?” the liquor had your tongue loose.

Hux regarded you with a frown. Mindlessly spinning the ring around his ring finger. Had no one ever asked him this before? Maybe he just wanted to own the man. That would be the cherry on top of this grand event; Hux doing this simply because he wanted to possess Kylo to his very roots.

“I expect you to keep your mouth shut about this,” he glanced over his shoulder down at you after a moment of consideration.

“I’m not an idiot, _Armitage_ ,” you countered angrily; the taunt unwise. “I have your word then – if I do as instructed you won’t…” It had been hard enough to apply to this school. The money was already tight, no need to add something so detrimental to the mix. Hux wasn’t one to bluff.

“You have my word,” he clipped, bringing the discussion to an end.

All that was left to do was wait and confess. Beads of sweat were rolling down the base of your neck. Suddenly finding it very hard to breathe. Good, maybe you’d pass out so you could do this in the hospital instead. At least the pity of you having ended up there would smooth things out a little. Instead of this absolute garbage heap of a situation.

A set of three heavy footsteps came into ear shot and you glanced up at Hux worriedly. Almost wanting to back out. He raised an eyebrow, hand hovering over his back pocket in warning. Likening his phone for a pistol; both would do you in.

Kylo was first through the door, shouldering it to the side so it cracked into the wall behind it. Both Matt and Ben directly at his heels, shoving into each other in their haste to make it through the door.

You climbed to your feet, gripping onto the bottom of your skirt to keep your hands from shaking. “I’m fine,” you held out a hand as if to ward them all off, taking a small step backwards.  Once more catching Hux’s warning glare, “Could we have a couple minutes, _alone?_ ”

Hux nodded though you were sure he would much rather observing the spectacle first hand. “I’ll just be in the other room should you need me,” he slipped out through the door, thoughtfully closing the door behind himself. Not that that would matter, this conversation wouldn’t be private to any degree, not with the god damn nanny came recording everything from its’ perch on the shelf. You had half a mind to hurl it into the hall after its’ owner but thought better of it.

Kylo was opening his mouth to say something and you raised a hand, pleading silently that he hear you out. “I’m sorry I lied to get you all down here,” great way to start this really, the uncovering of one lie leading into the expulsion of the rest. You dropped your hand, gathering the material of your skirt back in your fist and clenching until your skin paled. “Please, just stay where you are and let me get this off my chest, I promise it won’t take long and you can get back to the party.”

There must have been something off putting in your tone as the three of them suddenly took up guard. As they should. You were toeing the ground, considering stalling but knowing Hux would not appreciate that in the slightest.

“Are you hurt at all?” Ben tested, his eyes were raking you up and down trying to find the source of your ailment.

You bit at your bottom lip, shaking your head. _Not exactly_.

“No!” you leapt a step back, holding up both hands in surrender as Matt took a worried step forward. “Please, just stay where you are, don’t make this harder for me.”

Matt let out a sigh, taking the step back and crossing his arms. “You’re worrying us,” he warned, voice exasperated.

“I know, fuck – I’m sorry,” your legs had begun to shake and you shifted your weight from each leg to encourage them to stop.

Kylo was scowling, glancing back over his shoulder at the door. Suspicion clouding his body language. You had to divert this away from Hux immediately. The less they knew about this the better.

“I can’t wait anymore, the longer this goes on the worse it gets,” you started slowly. “I thought I could wait until the Sunday like we agreed but… well, I’m sick of lying. I’m sick of pretending and it’s not fair to the three of you.” You turned to face Kylo, pricking your fingernails into your forearms, “I’m sick of watching you with Hux while you shamelessly flirt with me and pretend it means nothing. Like I’m your dirty little secret. I can’t do it anymore Kylo, I told Hux the truth which you obviously couldn’t. He’s taking it pretty well all things considered and I don’t think he’ll leave you but he won’t be forgiving either of us any time soon.”

He gaped back at you, an angry red flush dawning his cheeks. That would be enough to derail Hux’s presence as anything else. “Why would you…” he was gritting his teeth together so hard you were sure you could hear it.

“I can’t do this anymore!” your knees were fighting to buckle beneath you. “I can’t outrun the bullshit anymore, you were right. So I might as well do this when the alcohol is taking off the edge; before I’m sober and realize that I cannot tell the three of you any of this when I’m sober.” There were tears prickling at your vision and you ran the back of your hand against your nose as you sniffled. So much for keeping it together like you’d imagined. “Obviously you are all aware I’ve been sleeping with each of you. It’s not a secret you’ve kept from one another like I’ve tried to. I – I wouldn’t take it back either. Even though it’s driven a wedge between you and I had no fucking right. Fuck, I’d keep doing it too, I know I would but it’s not just sex.”

You paused to let out a shaky breath. Taking turn to scan over each of them. All tense postures, eyes locked onto you. “I’m… in love with you.” Both Ben and Matt shot Kylo an accusing look and you shook your head, heart dropping into your stomach. The next words were filled with tears. “No, not just Kylo.”

All three of them were raising their voices in unison and you were frantically trying to hush them so you could continue. “ _Please_ ,” you begged, blinking the tears out of your vision. Just short of grabbing onto each of them and shaking them until they could see this how you did. “ _Just fucking listen to me!_ ”

The silence was thick now and you were rebounding against it with the hiccups swelling in your chest as you fought against sobbing. “I fucked up so badly, I’m the only one to blame for all of this,” you murmured brushing hastily at the tear stains on your cheeks. “I put you up against each other because I liked that you fought over me. I drove you apart _on purpose_. So that you would only have me and not each other. I am not who you think I am. I’m a selfish bitch who wanted all of you when I don’t deserve any of you. And I’m telling you this because I cannot live with myself anymore. Whatever you thought this was, it’s over. These feelings, the friendships – done. Don’t text me, don’t call, hell don’t even look at me. And I’ll do the same for each of you.”

You couldn’t stand to be in this room a second longer. Not with everything out in the open. Not after downplaying how you felt versus what you’d done. It was still a lie – you hadn’t meant to wedge them apart and that certainly wasn’t what you wanted. You couldn’t have what you wanted.

“I’m sorry things have to end like this, for what it’s worth I don’t think I could ever feel this way about anyone the way I do for each of you,” those were your last words before you were shouldering past them and slamming the door behind you. Fighting to keep from stopping to crumple to the floor.

It shouldn’t have been a relief when the redhead appeared at your side. Instantly forcing you to loop your arm with his. He was smirking victoriously. “Well done,” the purr was mocking and you bowed your head allowing him to lead you back towards the stairs. You couldn’t find it in you to hate him.

Hux led you back through the house, parading you around as the star of the evening. The music had presumably returned to blaring but silence met you as you walked past. He had kept true to his word; everyone knew. You held your chin high, thankful that you did not meet any of your friends on the way past.

He walked you straight out to the end of the winding street. The glow of the overhead street light bathing you both in golden light. There he released you, watching you fold your arms over your chest as you began to shiver. A cab pulled up beside you and he held the door open for you, gesturing for you to climb in. You did so obediently, not taking your eyes off of him. “Remember darling, not a peep or all of your hard work will be for nothing,” his laugh was cut off as he slammed the door leaving you to stare after him as the car made its way down the snow laden roads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're not all rolling your eyes at me for choosing Hux to be the asshole to start all this but it fit so perfectly and I love him to bits so I HAD TO OKAY. 
> 
> I can't help but torture reader it seems. I warned you all early on that this would just get worse before it got any better at all. But now you all can stop pestering me about miscommunication (even though I slipped through it still - ha!). What comes next? You'll just have to wait and see ;)
> 
> As a side note I am CONSIDERING making a sequel after I've completed this so it can drag into a cliff hanger and torture you all but I'm still undecided. Would you all even want more or should I just wrap it all up and be done with it??? Please let me know what you think.
> 
> As always thank you all so fucking much for reading, your kudos and your comments. I live for even your chastising of me being an asshole in my writing. If not for you all I would not be writing, seriously. I promise I won't take a century to update - I have too many projects on hand and fanfic reading/writing consumes my life entirely.


	10. Pills N Potions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November camping was insane but this was going to /make/ you go insane. Better pop a xanax and hope the next three days went by without conflict. But knowing your luck? Everything would be tattered to ribbons by the time you were home bound.

Who even went camping this time of year? College kids with nothing better to do apparently. Any excuse to party was good enough even if the affair was only three days. You'd agreed only because sitting home alone for the weekend was anything but appealing. Phasma had been nagging you all week to come with her. It would be yourself, Phasma, Rey, Poe, and Finn to a campground. You'd share a tent with Phasma- it sounded a little fun, even if the forecast threatened flurries they’d make the best of it. Thankfully most of the snow had melted between Halloween and now. No doubt it would snow here before it would again at home considering how high the campground was nestled in the mountains. Far away from civilization – easily a half hour drive to the closest town and two hours away from the city.

What Phasma hadn't told you was most of the college participated in this yearly outing. You'd found that out midway through setting up the small tent you'd be sharing when the quiet of the forest erupted with the symphony of shouts and boom boxes. Most of the campsites were sheltered from one another at least so there were slivers of privacy.

It shouldn't have been a surprise - you were growing to suspect the disappointment with who settled in the campground connected to yours. You couldn't outrun them at home and you couldn't outrun them here. As long as you kept to your own lot you hopefully would see little of them. Except they were prowling between the grounds like wolves, easing themselves into your small group one at a time. That was fine you'd set up in your tent committed to being antisocial until they left. That however was proving difficult in itself.

Everything was so loud and even feigning sleep was impossible. You flopped onto your side staring hard at the tall silhouettes through the other side of your red tent. They didn't even know you were here, you'd slipped in the moment you'd seen the back of Matt's head. Not wanting a sudden reunion with the triplets so soon since they'd heard your confession. Hell if Phasma hadn't been so convincing you would have avoided each and every soul at that God damn party. You attempted to quiet your movements on the air mattress as you fussed with your sleeping bag.

Then there was the shrill ring of Hux. Yet another person you had avoided entirely since the Halloween party. He'd injected you with so much venom that night you shuddered thinking what else he might try to shove down your throat. Better to stay invisible even if  you had to stay well out of their wake the next three days.

You'd been laying there for over an hour, staring at the condensation clinging to the top of the tent. Feeling restless, irate. The voices were farther away now, if you cut back through the triplets empty campsite you could get by unnoticed. Take a good long walk and maybe when you returned they'd be gone, but you doubted it.

As quiet as you could manage you unzipped the tent and zipped it back up. Taking a quick glance at the group gathered under the tarped picnic tables, catching Phasma's disapproving glower, and slipping through the bush through the next campsite. Taking note of the single large black tent the three would be sharing. Making you briefly wonder if Kylo would be sharing a tent with Hux on the ginger’s own lot. Not that you cared.

The air was chilled making you once again wonder who's bright idea it was to go camping in _November_. Pulling your sleeves down to cover your hands and tucking them under your arm pits. You walked straight into the wood. Not caring if you got lost or if anyone worried about you. It was incredibly stupid of you. At least bears would have started hibernation by this time of year.

The campgrounds noise had all but faded by the time you stopped. Planting yourself down on a boulder and staring up through the canopy of evergreens above. The sky was overcast, threatening to give way to rain that would later become snow. This was what you needed. It felt like freedom. But God did freedom feel lonely.

Every time you'd taken a step forward it was just another two steps back. You couldn't win this way. It was like the game was rigged. One event had bustled into the next until there was a train wreck; one you'd unknowingly caused. You'd long since forgiven the three, now this was all on you. Worst of all they knew everything and now, even if they cared – you couldn’t have them.

You couldn't have yelled it to them louder if you tried. The scream for help you were so desperate for their ears alone to hear. But Hux had successfully isolated you. He could have Kylo all he wanted, watching you suffer from a comfortable distance. Knowing that you wouldn’t go against his wishes, wouldn’t take even a calculated risk.

The words were even more true now that they were out in the open. The gilded cage of your ribs felt even tighter than normal with such a gaping absence. Not one of them had said a word to you since. It had been a week. It was a hard pill to swallow; none of them wanted you. Not that you'd expected the confession to lead to anything. It was just a fact. Something you couldn't change. You loved them, all three of them and you bore the wicked notion with shame though it was beyond your control.

In that week you'd made a decision. You would be moving back with your mother after this semester. So you had until January to salvage what you could before cutting ties. That helped albeit slightly. You'd miss Phasma. If the blonde knew she would try to convince you to stay but you couldn't. You had to do this for your sanity. Needed to get as far away from the triplets and Hux as possible. It was running away, you knew that, but it was all you had left to do.

It would be hard, scathingly so. All the history between you would be buried six feet under, praying it would remain. Although not as hard as it was now. You had time to wedge apart your feelings, time to grow numb. There was none of that now, everything was starched bright and blinding. The whiplash raw.

If they continued to be distant, cold, then it would be all right, it would be easier.

You stood from the boulder, stretching your legs. The clouds had darkened significantly. You weren't fond of the idea of being caught so far away from camp when it started to rain. So you headed back, roughly following the path you had taken, the silence of the mountains giving way to the chorus of individuals holed up in the small campsite. You came out of the bush two clicks from where you'd entered, the road to the campgrounds entrance only a couple meters away; good, you wouldn't be walking back in through the triplets’ lot.

Phasma might be fretting by now, you'd been gone a while. Yet going back made you feel queasy - Hux was probably still there along with the rest of them. If you could push back your return until dark that was exactly what you'd do. The clouds overhead would push your aims short but even as it started to spit you found yourself meandering back into the wood. Closer still to the campgrounds, you could hear Phasma's voice drifting out to reach you.

Though Phasma's voice was loud Ben's was much louder. You rolled your eyes, stalking farther into the bush, wanting his voice to be as muffled as possible. But you paused and in that split second you heard a quieter voice - Matt's? A verbal confirmation that your absence had been noted. You glanced behind you, hoping to see the group from the tangle of trees but the voices were carrying farther than you could see.

"If she doesn't come back soon I'm going looking for her," Phasma snapped irritably. There was a scolding waiting for you on return, you'd expected as much.

"Phas you're drunk, there's no way you're going out there," Finn countered carefully. Good, you doubted you could handle Phasma if she found you. "Poe and I will go," a symphony of raised voices followed the suggestion.

"We'll go, we know her best," Ben shot out followed by Phasma snarling down the idea. At least she, out of the rest of them, remembered exactly how you felt about the three brothers. Though perhaps the rest of the group  (minus Hux who you could hear suggesting you'd return on your own accord) thought you were back on speaking terms.

You might have gone back. The rain had converted to large fat drops that were coating your cheeks and you were visibly shivering. But you were a coward. Anything that might tempt fates with Hux was too much for you.

The topic had created a bit of a spat. Everyone had been drinking, it was unwise to go looking around blindly but the majority was worried. Ben was still adamant on the three of them going out; neither Matt nor Kylo was disagreeing with the idea. But Phasma was putting up a fight against it suggesting still that she'd go.

"The Ranger is just up the road, they'll go if we ask," Rey suggested and you knew you'd have to return. Avoiding the triplets was one thing but avoiding the park Ranger was beyond your capabilities. Not that you were stupid enough to consider it.

With a sigh you started the hike back to the campground. It took five minutes and thankfully no one had left yet, though Finn and Ben were readying to. Phasma was still yelling for them to let her go.

"Phas did you see what direction she went?" Finn was frowning as Phasma shrugged.

"What direction who went?" You'd tucked beneath the tarp behind them, squeezing onto the picnic bench beside Poe. Phasma was glaring daggers at you from across the table but said nothing, drowning her beer and heading to the cooler for another. Hux seemed equally as unimpressed to see you; he was tucked closely to Kylo's side gripping onto the larger man's arm as if it could keep him from acknowledging you.

"Where have you been?" Poe asked slinging an arm around your shoulders, the damp of your hoodie soaking into his Henley. He kept his arm there not seeming to mind.

You shrugged off the question with a shy smile. "I went for a walk and lost track of time," no one would buy it for a minute but no one challenged it. 

Phasma slammed a beer down in front of you pointedly. Sit. Socialize. They were words she needn’t vocalize.

Popping the tab you took a long drag, appreciating the warm heat the beverage pooled in your stomach. You plopped the can back in front of you, pulling your sleeves down to cover your hands. Only now was the approaching dusk beginning to sap the warmth from you. Poe had reclaimed his arm but you were sure he could feel you shivering next to him. “Cold?” Poe murmured, leaning close to you and you nodded then shrugged. This was the only hoodie you’d brought so you’d have to suck it up until it dried.

Matt had drawn out of his chair, heading towards the cooler. Funny how the three men were pointedly refusing to meet your gaze. “Matt, buddy, can you grab my jacket from the back seat?” Poe  glanced back over his shoulder at him. No reply but you could hear the sound of the back door of Poe’s Ford F150 opening and closing before Matt was trudging back over and handing over the jacket before settling back in his fold out chair. “Thanks, man,” he nodded back at the triplet before taking both shoulders of the jacket and holding it out pointedly for you to slip your arms into.

Normally you would refuse but given the circumstances. You quickly shucked off your damp outer layer before accepting the insulated leather jacket. It was brisk from being in the cab of the truck but it would warm up as you did. Hanging the hoodie off the side of the picnic table you zipped up the front of the jacket, tucking your hands under your arms.

“We were really worried about you,” Finn shot in pointedly. Right, that wasn’t the smartest idea ever on your part. Not knowing what to say, you nodded, frowning down at the chaffed surface of the picnic table.

You continued to nurse your beer, pointedly ignoring the conversations going on around you. This wasn’t where you belonged anymore. Your face would begin to heat the moment you were forced to look anyone in the eye. The guilt was always at the back of your mind. Because they all knew, they’d all heard what should have been between you, Matt, Ben, and Kylo. No one would look at you the same, everyone would judge you for what they saw; a harlot. When really… No, that was what you were. Even if the feelings justified everything in the moment. Feelings were never good enough in the long run. The fact was you had used three brothers and claimed to love them and that marked you with a scarlet letter.

Poe was sliding down the bench to allow for more room, breaking you of thought. Why was he – the mass of a person clambered between you both, shoving your thighs into the side of the table. “Thanks man,” Ben smirked, spreading out only on your side of the table to crowd you into the corner.

So close to snapping and shoving him over so that you could make your escape. Instead glowering into the table top gnawing into your cheek. It was… Well, nice to have the heat radiating from him seeping into every point of contact. Less nice to know you couldn’t truly enjoy it but it was something. Liquor seemed to make Ben rather affectionate to say the least though you refused to attribute this with anything real.

Rey was shooting you a sympathetic frown. “Ben you’re going to squish her, knock it off,” she demanded, leaning over the table and flicking him in the ear. He jolted back, rubbing at the afflicted area with a growl.

“What the fuck, Rey,” Ben grumbled but some of the pressure was alleviated as he scooched just slightly towards Poe. It wasn’t enough to gain any sort of comfort in the position but it was something and for that you were grateful.

His hand dropped from the table to scratch his thigh. The movement innocent and unconscious, his pinky resting over the top of your own thigh. He seemed to notice this, making no outer gesture as he moved to rest his hand over your leg. You expected his fingers to inch inwards for a grope you would shove him off of the bench for but he simply held his hand in place, rubbing his thumb slowly back and forth. Thankfully Hux was situated on the opposite side of the table currently, having been shoved off of Kylo’s lap after one too many choice words and the younger man had stalked off towards their own campsite. If he were to see this you would be groveling at his feet for forgiveness.

That was kept in mind as you intentionally knocked your knee into Ben’s. Signaling a weak ‘knock it off.’ He clearly did not take it for that and gave you a light squeeze, glancing at you from the corner of his eye. The heat rising in your cheeks would give you away.

You stood from the table, squirming free from between the table and Ben. Having to shove the man to the side and grip to his shoulder as you volleyed over the side and regained your balance. “Jesus, Ben, it’s called personal space,” you muttered under your breath before you were rounding the table towards Phasma. “Keys?” you held out a hand expectantly as she began shuffling in her pocket for them.

“You’ve been drinking, you can’t drive,” Matt pointed out, suddenly on high alert. Already halfway out of his seat before you sent him the dirty look that had him slumping back in.

“I’m _not_ ,” the snip back was a bit much but so was the way he was eyeing you suspiciously. Not adding to it you stomped off towards Phasma’s range rover and clicked the key fob twice to unlock the back. You’d left your duffel bag in the hatchback and neglected bringing it into the tent while ducking out of view when Matt had first came wandering onto your lot. With two hands you hoisted it out, slamming the door none too gently before trudging over towards your tent. You drug it inside, closing the tent pointedly behind you.

There was no point in doing this now besides escaping from whatever the fuck you were being subjected to back there. You clicked on your flashlight, rustling through the bag to drag out a thick pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt.

It was when you were tugging the shirt over your head that the tent was being unzipped. “Hold on, I’m changing!” you barked but the tent continued to unzip. You hurriedly pulled your arms through the sleeves and were struggling to pull your head through the neck hole when the tent was being zipped back up.

Ben was grinning back at you as you emerged.  “Hi,” he purred, kneeling onto the edge of the air mattress and pushing himself none too gently onto you.

“Get off!” you shoved at him, able to roll him off of you but he was wrapping both arms around your hips and holding tight.

He let out a groan as he clung tighter, nuzzling his nose beneath your shirt and into your side so that he could nip at your skin. No matter of pushing at his arms was releasing you at this point but you were not about to give up. Ben had one thing on his mind and no matter how your body was reacting in turn you were not giving into him.

“Ben get the fuck out of here, I swear to god!” you were prying his fingers away only for him to dig his fingernails in. He shook his head, suckling at the skin just above your sweatpants. _“ **Phasma, Poe, someone get this fucking idiot out of here!** ”_

There was some shuffling from outside and the tent was being unzipped. “Seriously Ben, you’ve had four beers,” Matt let out a slow breath  through his nose before he was crawling into the tent. He kneeled next to you and leaned down to grip one of Ben’s arms. “Come on,” he muttered giving his brother a tug. Of course this made Ben squirm away, pushing Matt away using his feet and shoving him onto the floor of the tent on his ass.

Ben’s hands were wandering, inching upwards towards your chest but stilling as Matt composed himself and was back to aggressively detaching him from you. The younger brother was no match for the older, seeing how Ben  was coiling his entire body around you, set on staying. “Ow!” you swatted Matt away so that Ben would stop squeezing the breath out of you. “Just go get Phasma,” the demand was met with a glower. Matt wasn’t moving to do so. “Okay, seriously either you get him off right now or get someone else because I’m – **BEN THAT FUCKING HURTS!** ”

A flashlight was now being shone into the tent and you winced against the brightness. Unable to make out who it was attached to as it illuminated the three of you. “Ben get out of the tent,” Kylo’s voice was calm and Ben’s head peaked up from where he’d been kissing your hip.

_Great all fucking three of them were in here – this was the last thing you needed right now_

You sucked in a breath again as Ben’s nails secured his bruising grip. Kylo entered the tent, forcing Matt to move onto the air mattress to make room for him. “Ben,” he waited patiently for his brother to look up at him. “You’re hurting her.” The simple statement had the middle child releasing a whimper from his throat.

Kylo brushed his fingers over Ben’s, the heat of their touch bringing your face to a full flush. “Ben you’re hurting me, please let go,” you watched Kylo nod and his grip loosened.

In a fury of limbs both Matt and Kylo were hoisting their brother off of you. Once he was detached they were trampling out of the tent with Ben in tow, leaving you to zip back up the tent and flop back onto the air mattress. They were headed back to their own campsite; Ben yelling in protest.

Quickly changing into your sweatpants you headed back out towards the picnic tables. Phasma and Finn were arm wrestling, both dead set in their concentration. You plopped down next to Phasma, nudging her in the ribs. Reaching across the table to hand Poe back his jacket though he seemed as if he may protest.  “I’m going to bed,” you announced to her as you grabbed your still damp hoodie and squirmed the keys back into her jacket pocket. She grunted with a nod as she continued to lock eyes with Finn – this could last a while and so you headed back to the tent. Pausing a moment to nod at Hux who was watching you with mild disinterest. There was no fire blazing in his eyes tonight and so you slipped away from the group and back to the promising warmth of your sleeping bag.

It was _not warm_. Even after several minutes of lying curled up in the fetal position.  You’d be heavily depending on Phasma’s unnaturally warm body to get you through the night. Cold enough to consider slinking back out to reclaim Poe’s jacket you instead tucked your head inside your sleeping bag, dragging your pillow in with you and closed the zipper as far as it would go. No way you were going back out there. Your bra was already haphazardly stuffed back into the side pocket of your bag and that was reason enough to stay put. There was another reason too.

From here you could hear the muffled voices of the campsite over. Where Ben was spatting with his brothers. It was difficult to make out the specifics but you could tell there was some sort of tussle. The sound of feet scrapping over dirt mixed with staccatos of grunts. It could have been thirteen years prior and you would have known they were fighting with only the strange tinge to the air. Back then you would be straight in the mix between them, forcing them apart but now… well, you’d obviously done enough of that now hadn’t you.

Still it was hard to lay here and feel nothing  for it. Especially when you could hear your name coming into the fray. Those god damn _children_ , you had half a mind to storm over there. Not that you would. It was impossible not to catch the pitying underline when both Matt and Kylo had been in here. After all feelings could dissolve. One minute you’re everything; the sun, the earth, the stars. The next you’re as empty and forgotten as the shattered bones of an abandoned home. Staying put was the only option right now. You’d let the feelings fester and you’d find meaning somewhere else.

_‘You can’t tell me she’s alright, she needs us.’_

_‘Ben that’s enough.’_

_‘No, you know she was lying, why am I the only one who sees that?’_

_‘The best thing we can do is give her space and time; she’s punishing herself.’_

_‘And you’re alright with that?’_

_‘It’s not for us to decide.’_

You held your hands over your ears. Willing the voices to drown back into white noise.

 

 

You must have fallen asleep with your hands clamped over the shell of your ears because they were aching by the time you startled awake. The tent was being roughly unzipped. Struggling out of your sleeping bag you sat up groggily. “Out,” Phasma was crazy – what fucking time was it right now?

“Phas – what?” you rubbed your fist into your eye socket.

Oh, she wasn’t alone. Someone was slithering in past her, sliding up next to you on the air mattress. Beckoning Phasma towards them and the blonde followed with a smirk, her flashlight half blinding you as it shone your way. She dropped it unceremoniously into your lap before dropping heavily onto the mattress (she was going to fucking pop the damn thing on your first night).

_Oh._

“Are you fucking kidding me right now Phasma!” you snapped, getting caught in your sleeping bag as you desperately made to extract yourself from it.  Curling your fist around the flashlight you used it to locate your shoes before tugging them on. She hadn’t even bothered to zip back up the tent. “I hate you so much right now.”

Phasma grunted in reply, too busy locking lips with whoever she’d drug back to your tent. She couldn’t have borrow Poe’s tent or the range rover for a hookup? “Go sleep with Rey,” the blonde grunted back at you, throwing what you guessed was her jacket at your feet. You wrestled it over your shoulders, thankful it was still warm.

There was no god damn way you were letting her live this down. **_EVER_**.

In one arm you gathered your sleeping bag, the other your pillow and you zipped back up the tent with as much haste as you could given the rude awakening. Stomping towards where the fire was still kicking up embers. They’d made a ring around the pit with fold up camp chairs and you chose one to slump down in, throwing your sleeping bag around you and holding it tight with one hand while you parked your pillow beneath your ass. Maybe you’d sleep right here and guilt her for the rest of eternity for making you sleep outside.

“Shit, she kicked you out?” Poe was taking the seat next to you, cracking a beer. He didn’t sound surprised and it made you wonder just how often this happened. She’d been relatively drunk when you’d gone to bed and you doubted she’d stopped drinking.

You nodded with a heavy sigh, shifting in your seat. “Did Finn and Rey already go to bed?” you knew they probably had, it was only you, Poe, Matt, and Hux around the fire at the moment.

“About an hour ago,” Poe shrugged apologetically. No way you were snuggling in between those two. You were sure Rey would have offered even if Finn was unwilling to have you but you wouldn’t make that decision for them. “You can sleep with me, my tent is too big for one person anyway,” the offer came off smooth and he gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Yeah, okay. You trusted Poe. He was sweet and kind, a handsome devil of a man too. He’d been drinking but his intentions seemed innocent enough.

But something was making you hesitate. You didn’t want to sleep in Poe’s tent and you weren’t sure why. “I was just going to sleep out here,” you sucked on the inside of your cheek watching the fire.

Someone scoffed. You lifted your head with a frown. Matt was glowering into the fire, his beer crinkling as he gripped tightly to the aluminum making it deform under his fingers.

“Absolutely not, it’s already too cold out here and the temperature is still dropping,” Poe set his beer into the netting of his cup holder and swiveled in his seat to face you. “Look, I brought everything I needed to sleep alone but you’ll get frost bite or something sleeping out here. It’s not safe. Yeah, Phasma’s being a dick but you don’t need to suffer for it. There’s plenty of room with me and I’ll make sure you don’t freeze to death.”

The offer was kind and rather blunt. “Okay,” you muttered, standing from your seat with sleeping bag still in tow and shuffling off towards the cooler. All you needed was a couple drinks to calm your nerves and then you could go to bed. Poe wouldn’t take advantage of you he was just concerned. He was a good friend when Phasma was being a less than stellar one.

Poe was right too, it was too fucking cold out already. Your hands stung just from carrying the icy beverage back to your chair. You plopped it in the cup holder and rubbed your hands together, blowing on them to warm them up before you even thought about popping the tab. Using the blanket as a barrier you brought the can to your lips, it was something fruity with the after taste of vodka. Slumping back in your seat you cradled the cup between your sleeping bag and your covered chest. This was not how you wanted to spend your weekend.

You drank three of the coolers before you could feel the weariness settling in. Time to retire, soon anyway. The fire was now just a sputtering pile of embers. Hux had retired after your first drink. You watched him slink off feeling satisfied he had no gas to add to your budding irritation. Matt was still here, sitting across the pit from you and aggressively avoiding eye contact and conversation.

“I’m headed to bed, I’ll leave enough room for whenever you’re ready to join,” Poe yawned giving a stretch before ruffling your hair and heading towards his tent. You just nodded, feeling numb all over. What the hell was wrong with you. You were feeling guilty for agreeing to share Poe’s tent. You would much rather crawl back to your own tent and deal with Phasma’s hookup in the morning than sleep next to the awe inspiring Poe Dameron.

You waited what felt an eternity. Listening to the rustling of Poe settling into bed off on the other side of the lot. The pit in your stomach growing with each moment you contemplated your next actions. You were tired, exhausted, and angry. The longer you stayed awake the longer you would have to deal with yourself like this.

Matt would leave soon too. You could feel his eyes on you. He was probably imagining all the things you would get up to sharing a tent with… No, what the fuck did Matt’s opinion matter at this point? If he had a problem with it he could say something. You weren’t going to fuck Poe and even if you did it was none of his business.

Once he left there would be no one to watch you climb into the back seat of the range rover. Yes, it was a stupid idea. Less stupid than staying outside however. You’d just tell Poe you’d had too much to drink and it was easier to find the hulking chrome of the vehicle than the army green of his tent.

Of course Matt was content to just sit there in silence. Making no hint of whether he was even considering leaving at any point tonight. God, this was frustrating. It wasn’t like you could demand he go to bed. He’d know something was up. No, he already knew something was amiss. That was just like him. Taking matters into his own hands without asking if you needed help. It was unwanted. You just wanted to curl up, by yourself, and face the fact that you might very well wake with frostbite but at least that meant someone would be driving you home.

He was just two steps ahead. He always was. Matt knew how you were feeling before you could completely register it.

You were drifting off in your seat. Fighting to keep from sprawling over the flimsy material of the chairs arm and consequently to the ground. Whatever, just a couple minutes of rest would be fine. You let your eyelids seal shut and shifted in your seat.

Asleep after only seconds.

Something warm and hard was dragging you from the depths of slumber. You were fighting it, still half asleep. Were you being carried? Yeah, that felt about right. You pressed your head to their shoulder, clinging to the warmth. Probably Poe. Maybe Matt. Perhaps even Phasma? The dredge of sleep was too thick and you found your breath slowing, falling asleep in the arms of whoever was carrying you.

 

“Phas,” you grunted, slinging an arm over your face. It was too early for this, you didn’t give a damn that the sun was playing behind your eyelids. “Knock it off,” you groaned shoving your face into your pillow and feeling the tickle of hair playing against your throat followed by the warmth of lips. You were on your side, facing away from her and pleasantly warm. If you had to swat her off then you would be forced to leave your cocoon and that was simply unacceptable. “Look, I love you but I am so not into you like that.” Was your voice always this rough in the morning? You were barely raising it above a whisper knowing full well your hangover would not appreciate anything louder.

She was probably half asleep thinking you were the girl she’d spent the night with. That certainly wouldn’t excuse the arm wrapping around your waist from beneath the covers. Were you sharing sleeping bags? Ugh, at least she was warm. Even if her breath against the nape of your neck was sending shivers down your spine.

The mattress beneath you shifted. You hazarded the opening of a single eye. Wincing in the too bright morning and quickly holding it half-mast. The owner of the tangle of raven curls was already working on freeing themselves from the tent. That wasn’t…

You were shooting up to sit up straight despite the arm wrapped around your middle. What the hell was going on? “Kylo?” you gaped after him as he zipped the tent up behind him. Why was he in your tent – he wasn’t… With Phasma? No, that was impossible. Even drunk out of her mind  there was no way that Phasma would sleep with any of the triplets let alone the opposite gender. But he was in your tent.

No, that wasn’t right either. Your tent was _red_. This tent was _black_. Yes, good, great deduction. Fuck you were way too exhausted for this right now. You laid back down, pulling the blanket up to your chin and shutting your eyes. If you thought about it the warmth was coming from _both_ sides. Tentatively you reached out a hand, yup, this was your situation. Sandwiched between Ben and Matt.

_Please let it be Ben and Matt, not that god awful ginger set on ruining your life._

There was no way you were falling back to sleep unless you checked. Once again the morning light was unwelcomed, making you squint as you sat up slightly on your elbow. Carefully tugging the mass of blankets down to uncover a dark head of hair – okay good, that was Ben. You carded a hand through his hair gently ensuring you wouldn’t wake him. Behind you now, was he awake?  “Matty?” you murmured, twisting only slightly in their hold.

“Go back to sleep babe,” Matt muttered into your back, nuzzling his nose into your spine.

Inwardly spouting every curse you could possibly think of you settled back down and scooted back against him, his arm pulling you closer. No Hux, though with your luck he would know the moment he caught sight of you. Putting that thought aside you reached out, finding Ben beneath the covers and resting your hand against his back. He let out a muffled moan and was shuffling back into your touch in his sleep. Now close enough that you could lace your leg over his.

This felt… nothing like it should. There should be no feeling of relief to having been coiled between two of the Organa-Solo boys. Guilt should be in its place but it wasn’t.

You were safe here.

Untouchable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to add smut to this chapter but... well that obviously did not happen. I plan all these chapters out and 0.5% of the time they go how I planned them.  
> You all HATE Hux now and I feel kind of bad because I adore that asshole ginger tbh. So he /may/ not be an asshole forever but that depends if I make this a sequel or not: WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE THAT THO?  
> I love you all, thank you so much for the love <3 <3 The next couple chapters will be this camping trip and the feels are just starting (because I didn't make you suffer quite enough this chapter).
> 
> You can find me here:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kylorentrashlord  
> My blog is NSFW and I post a LOT of Kylux (and shit posting tbh) but feel free to message me <3


	11. Heads Will Roll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad choice #789 has you wrangled shit deep and not for the last time. Somewhere between the unsolicited shower sex and passive aggressive silence of an angry jeep full (to no wanting of your part) car ride you're forced to remember - reality is a bitch.
> 
> AKA the chapter where RC realises you can only out run your problems for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is 4 months late due to who I am as a person, I have no excuses. 
> 
> Chapter is dedicated to the wonderful Onepoundofbacon who is an absolute angel and has supported me via comments for far longer than I deserve. You're whole continents away but I love you so fucking much <3

Consciousness was clawing at the thick veil of sleep draped over you with an irritating drag of its’ grubby fingernails. Surely you’d just fallen back asleep. It was still too early to be waking up and certainly too fucking early for the blaring synthetic music coming from another campsite over. God damn early risers, you nuzzled your face into the pillow urging your body to settle back to catch a few more minutes before you had to extract yourself to reality.

Matt was still draped over you, his bare chest flush against your back. Sometime in the night you had shed your layers; one sock was lost somewhere in the bedding and you were sure your pants had been kicked off to the foot of the mattress. The loose sweatshirt you’d been shivering in last night was pushed halfway up your chest from Matt’s hand resting over your sternum.  His body wrapped over you like an extra blanket.

Ben had rolled over at some point. Of the three he was always the most restless sleeper to the point the three of you had vetoed him onto the floor the majority of your childhood sleepovers. A miracle perhaps that you hadn’t received a left hook in the jaw and he instead was warming the top of your head with each breath. He’d taken your hand at some point, his fingers twitching between yours in his slumber.

It was downright sweltering. You kicked at the blankets with your free leg (the other was trapped between Ben’s knees) until you could feel the crisp morning air on your heated skin.

With a muffled groan you cracked your lids open, giving in to wakefulness. The tent was bathed in a soft hue from the filtered sunlight beating in through the nylon. A triangle of light was warming your cheek from the doorway where only the thin netting was separating you all from the snow outside. One of them had obviously neglected to close the opaque section. Someone was getting an ear full when you got up.

“You’re such a petulant child, I don’t know what I ever saw in you –“

“Saw in me? Oh please, you are such a fucking Drama Queen.”

“At least I lack the compulsion to stick my cock into every waiting orifice on campus – or do you do it simply for the attention?”

“The only reason you want me is for the sex, don’t pretend that you actually have feelings Hux, it’s embarrassing.”

The ginger was now in clear view of the tent entrance. His back turned towards you. He only need turn around to see you nestled between the two brothers like a lively body pillow. His hair was disheveled, clothes slightly askew. Like he’d just been – _oh,_ you certainly weren’t going to think hard on that.

They’d both just stumbled their way onto the campsite, voices raised, not a care in the world for anyone else. Granted it was more than likely late morning and normally the two brothers would already be up. But the fucking _nerve_.

“The only thing that’s embarrassing is how much time I’ve wasted doting my time and energy on a man sized toddler.”

Kylo was storming into view, his bulk all but encompassing the slighter man. A fist wrenching into the hair at the back of his head to draw him closer into a kiss that Hux shoved him away to escape from.

“I don’t know what you want Hux. You want me the moment you can no longer have me and not a second before – I was always yours. You pushed me away, _remember that_.”

“If you go back to that whore you can never come crawling back to me, Solo.”

Hux was turning on his heel to storm away; Kylo caught him by the wrist before he could. Leaning closer to press his lips to the other man’s ear in words you wouldn’t even be able to read off his lips.

Something coiled unsettlingly between your ribs, your breath coming out a harsh stutter.  _Kylo why are you doing this?_

After a moment Hux drew away shaking his head. His brow furrowed as he glared up at Kylo. “You can’t ask that of me,” there was a hint of vulnerability you never thought him capable of.

You could have shouted. Bolted upright and flung yourself half naked out of the tent to grasp them both by the ear. Demand to know what the fuck they were thinking. Besides the bite of the cold it would be the logical thing to do instead of watching them as an unknown spectator.

Headache and hangover be damned, you were sick of watching them tear all of you apart like wolves. You shifted, shrugging Matt’s arm from around you so you could sit up and slide down the mattress.

Matt held tighter, the hand tucked under your shirt moving to clasp tightly across your lips as he crushed you against him. Even as you withered trying to shove him off he rolled himself over your side, keeping you beneath him and shielding you from view. “Knock it off,” Matt whispered tensely into your ear.

“Are you fucking serious, Armitage?”

“Yes, I’m serious, Kylo, you are so fucking dense!”

Beside you both Ben sat up, scrubbing a hand through the cow lick of his bangs. He let out a long sigh, visibly glaring out the netting. “Would you two shut the fuck up and take your hate sex elsewhere!”

“This doesn’t concern you, Benjamin,” Hux snapped back only for Kylo to bark at the both of them to shut up.

“ ** _Kylo!_** ” Ben shouted warningly, readying to extract himself from the warmth of the covers if it meant he could throw Hux’s scrawny ass into the lake.

Hux’s glare could have withered whole valleys. He wrestled back his arm from Kylo’s hold and stomped off in a silent rage in the direction of the road. Kylo was hot on his heels, the bickering starting once they were both out of sight of the campsite.

Ben pulled the covers with him as he closed the opaque outer door to the tent before flopping back and glaring at the roof.

You let out a muffled growl from behind Matt’s hand, elbowing him in the side to get him to release you. He did so reluctantly; keeping his hand on your side should you decide to bolt after them. “What the fuck, Matt,” you accused sitting upright and adjusting your sweatshirt back in place.

“Don’t get between them,” Matt half scolded, half pleaded. Sitting up on his elbow to squint at the blur that made up your face (his glasses were sitting safely in the inner pocket of his duffel bag).

Somehow the request felt unreasonable. Hux was the one –

Ben curled over onto his side, wrapping an arm around your middle and resting his forehead against your ribs; stalling your current annoyance. He was radiating heat and you could feel your body relaxing into the hold. It wouldn’t do to become complacent like this.

“Get off,” you pushed at Ben’s arm until he removed it. Quickly searching for your clothing among the triplet’s lining the floor of the tent. Right now you needed to get out of here, you’d go take a shower and figure everything else out after. One step at a time…

Matt and Ben watched you struggle into your clothes, both seeming to have some sort of protest on the tip of their tongues.

Sparring each a cautionary glance, you hesitated departing.  “This doesn’t mean anything,” to what you were referring to you would not elaborate.

The newly fallen snow glistened beneath your boots, marred by a single pair of footprints. This could be rather incriminating. You found you no longer cared, marching directly from one campsite to the other. You spared enough time to scrounge up a change of clothes from your shared tent with Phasma before heading directly to the showers, ignoring the worried frown the blonde was sending your way. She disserved to stew in her own guilt a while.

“I’m not interested in talking,” you called out quietly to the shadow on your heels. Without turning you could tell he had stopped in his tracks. The showers were in sight from the main road, a beacon shining beneath the rays of sunlight. “You have to stop doing this.”

The gruff voice huffed in resignation. Perhaps even agreement.

You bit into your lower lip, glaring up at the skyline. “Come on then,” you gestured for them to follow, making your way towards the building. The showers were already crowded when you poked your head inside. There was a long line that stretched the far wall for shower stalls.

“I’m not following you in there,” he muttered behind you as you turned on your heel and closed the outer door. Matt was raking a hand through his tussled bedhead, both eyebrows raised in question.

Rolling your eyes you tugged him by the shirt sleeve towards the men’s side. “Don’t be such a prude,” you muttered shouldering the door open and striding with head held high straight into the first available stall; Matt close on your heels. He was spluttering his disapproval as you began to shred your layers with the door still open.

He stepped in behind you; slamming the door with a bit too much force. “What the hell are you doing?” he hissed between clenched teeth.

“Showering, Matty, I thought it was obvious,” you shrugged tossing your clothes on the bench attached to the wall. You strode up to him, reaching into his pants pocket to tug out the quarters you’d heard jingling with his every step. “You’re free to sit there if you aren’t interested in joining me.”

He sighed heavily through his nose before tugging off his shirt into your discarded pile. With a wink you turned back to the shower, plopping a handful of quarters into the slot on the wall. The water pressure was weak, more of a drizzle than a real shower but you stepped beneath the hot water eagerly, wrapping your arms around your chest and bouncing on the balls of your feet. Matt stepped up behind you, ducking his head beneath the water to lay a kiss on your cheek. You leaned back into him as his arms wrapped around you.

“I’ve missed you.”

You glanced back at him over your shoulder with a frown. Finally giving a small shrug and returned to staring at the off-white tiles of the stall. It wasn’t like you had a choice – right? You shouldn’t even be in here with him but it wasn’t like it mattered anymore. After all a decision had been made, you weren’t about to turn around and bail on it just for a pair of strong arms… right?

“Fuck me,” you sighed in resignation before turning in his hold, wrapping both arms around his neck.

“What?” he spluttered narrowing his eyes. Oh, he’d heard that. Well, it _would_ offer a rather pleasant distraction.

“Please, I need you to fuck me,” you couldn’t think straight right now. Maybe you’d put off drinking until your stomach settled back down. The butterflies rattling in your ribcage were an entirely different sort of nausea.

Matt shook his head, pushing a strand of hair stuck to your cheek back behind your ear. Of course he would think it was a bad idea.

“Maybe I should have showered with Ben instead of you,” you pulled your arms away.

Matt only rolled his eyes. He caught your face between his hands and gently tugged you forward. His lips grazed against yours in a tease. “You don’t want Ben right now,” his voice was low and sultry, tugging something low in your stomach.

_Fuck_

He pushed you back into the cold tiles, forcing your body to arch into his warmth as you hissed out a gasp.

“You must think you call all the shots, always getting exactly what you want when you want it,” he tutted pushing a hand up to fist into the hair at the nape your neck. Using the leverage to expose your neck to him where his lips began to suckle. You shifted beneath him, rasping heavily. “We’re not interchangeable baby – maybe a hard fuck will convince you of that, maybe it won’t. “

He was going to leave a clearly visible hickey.

“Matt,” you whined.

He suckled a mark directly next to the first. It was far above the collar, impossible to hide; a direct claim of your body for everyone to see. Part of you refused to care. The other part sought to admonish your own stupidity of not requesting no marks be left.

You raked your nails down his sides. The skin rose in welts beneath your touch causing him to hiss. He pressed his full weight into you, trapping you between him and the wall. From his shoulder a rivulet of water was streaming in a path directly into your nostrils.

Shower sex always was difficult.

“Ugh, Matt, no,” you spluttered pushing him back. “Fuck, just – switch me places before I drown standing up.”

“Very sexy,” he smirked but did as asked.

“Stop talking, Solo.” Your hand dipped to trail over his hip, lazily tracing patterns against the skin. He was watching you intensely, keeping his eyes trained on your lips, hands gently holding onto your shoulders. The path of your fingers drove lower, teasing into the trail of dark hair trimmed neatly around a half hard cock. You thumbed over the base carefully. Glancing upwards questionably; waiting for consent.

Matt’s grip tightened over your shoulders. He nodded giving you a squeeze, a gasped breath parting his lips as you took him in hand.

Walking him back into the wall you placed a hand on his hip and pushed to still what would soon become a frantic rhythm of thrusts should you allow it; slowly pumping your hand in idle strokes to coax him into full hardness.  His breath deepened, his lids drooping to half-mast.

Gripping him firmly you made to lower yourself to your knees, the change in angle already forcing a rivulet of water streaming over the tip of your nose.

“Babe, don’t kneel on the floor it’s disgusting.” Matt pulled you back up with a frown. He did have a point as loathe as you were to admit it. “Be a good girl and turn around for me.”

 With a huff followed by a quirk at the side of your lips you turned to face the door of the stall, Matt’s chest pressing against your back. The position was a bit unnerving. The lock was just a simple bolt – nothing that someone couldn’t determinedly break with a well-placed kick. With a foot high gap from the base of the door to the tiled floor; anyone could see two sets of feet should they look beneath.

Without hesitation he reached down to knead two fingers against the aching bud of your clit. You jolted back against him, clawing your nails into his forearms and biting down into your lower lip. He worked you slowly. Even made sure to drag the tips of his fingers up beneath the hood to have you withering against him; forced to cup a palm of your lips to muffle your moans.

The shower cut off by the time he was willing to do anything more. You shoved a hand full of your own coins into the slot before turning back on the blonde.

He was fisting his cock, slowly dragging his hand up its’ length as he squinted down at you. Something swelled in your chest. Adoration for the blonde with his darkened, sopping curls now giving you a dope-ish grin.  You closed the distance between you, wrapping both arms around his neck to pepper his face in kisses earning you the deep bellow of his laugh.

“Come on Matty please –“

Matt crowded you up against the wall, hoisting you up in his arms. The cold of the tiles had you shuddering, watching him position you both into place. His eyes shifted back up to yours as he gently tugged you downwards onto his cock. You wrapped your legs around his hips as you were fully seated. The stretch felt near uncomfortable after so long without.

Then he started to move. Slowly rotating his hips in an experimental thrust; had he not had both hands curled around each ass cheek you were sure your legs would have given out. “ _Shit, oh god –“_ That came out _way_ too fucking loud. Matt paused between thrusts long enough for you to sink your teeth into the meat of his shoulder. A stilted groan passed through his teeth before he was slamming into you.

It was almost too rough. You were clawing welts up his back, biting down the sides of his neck hard enough to leave bruises with identifiable teeth marks. Your feet were numb from how hard your toes were curling inward. The harsh slap of skin on skin was unmistakable. Had you not been so turned on from the knowledge of knowing everyone in the small six stall enclosure could hear and knew exactly what was happening inside the middle stall you would be embarrassed; you would be – later.

Right now you were doing whatever you could, given the unforgiving angle, to grind yourself down just as hard as Matt was slamming up into you. There’d be bruises the shape of his hands on you within the hour. It didn’t bother you as much as it should have.

He sucked roughly at your bottom lip until it was tender and swollen; moving next to nip at your tongue warring for entrance between his kiss bruised lips. Your mouth yielded to his with the moan he forced through a jarring thrust. Arching upwards into him caused your teeth to clack, your nails sinking into the nape of his neck.

With a shift of his hips you were all but scrambling against the wall, wailing your appeasement into his mouth. “Shhh, _baby_ –“he scolded breathlessly. That didn’t keep him from repeating it. He was grinning against your throat as you shook in his hold, clinging on for dear life as he took you apart. You didn’t know how, it felt something like you’d simply short circuited. Only able to spit out high pitch whines that surely rang piercing in his ear and the single syllable of his name; he did nothing to muffle you.

“Matt – _please_.”

The blubbering slowed him to a crawl. The arch of his nose nuzzling along your jaw tenderly as you whined in protest. “Use your words, love.”

“F-fuck you,” you spat back without venom.

“Ask nicely, baby girl, and maybe I’ll consider giving you what you want.”

You were panting heavily. Shifting your hips to hit that proper place with no such luck; not that Matt was helping. The slow drags of his cock grazed over it with nowhere near the satisfaction of before. He chuckled at your budding annoyance, slowing further as you hissed out another _‘fuck you, solo.’_

Of course he wanted you to beg. Had he been at your mercy you might have done the same. But it made you feel so vulnerable; you didn’t want to have to say it out loud. You let out another sob as he passed over your upper walls, the friction not quite what you wished it was.

Matt cursed, his grip around your ass tightening as your walls squeezed around him.

His voice lowered to a husky whisper causing the hair on the back of your neck to stand on end.

“ _Oh babe,_ tell me how you really feel.”

You snarled as he stilled. Pinpricks of blood welled to the surface of his milky skin where your nails had punctured the back of his neck. It didn’t seem to faze him in the slightest. So you leaned forward, your lips brushing skin and the soaked tresses of blonde curls. A cruelty sparking behind the breath of a laugh you offered him before you kissed his ear, lowering your voice to something sultry and devastating. Or at least it should have been. It came out breathless and desperate instead, a croon of something broken.  And not at all what you had planned.  “ _I love you.”_

He made to draw back, to look you in the eye but you tugged him closer. Gently leaning your chin into the crook of his neck and further tightening your grip.

At least he deemed this as an acceptable answer by finally, _finally_ pumping back into you. Fast and punishing; like your words had scalded a brand and he was retaliating to the heat.

The pit of warmth low in your stomach was rising rapidly. Each moan was more urgent than the last punctuating higher pitch.  “Please, _fuck_ , don’t stop,” you begged, curling a hand into his hair and tugging. Matt let out a hiss of pain, slamming you back into the tiles and positioning a hand under your knee to hang your leg out to the side over his forearm. “ _Fuck, fucking – Matt –_ “

You made the mistake of glancing up at him from beneath your lashes. His gaze was heated; electric. There was such a mixing of rage and adoration you weren’t sure how to distinguish one from the other. Matt’s mouth was set into a firm line, his brows pulled inward. If he hadn’t already been pounding into you, you’d question his want to be in your presence at present.

Then your mind hit a blank. Your eyes rolled back into your skull as you arched violently back into the tiled wall behind you, head grinding backwards as you withered and twitched. Pleasure washed over you in waves, the warmth of it encompassing you entirely. Your grip around Matt went slack and he was forced to steady the weight you were suddenly no longer supporting. Long after he had ridden you through it your walls were still convulsing inward.

“You think you can just lie to me to get you off,” Matt growled. Teeth sunk into his lower lip, his thrusts ragged. He was keeping both of you upright though you’d slipped further down the wall.

Through cloudy mind you watched him, still chasing for lost breath.

_Why_

_After all this time_

“No lie,” you mumbled inelegantly.

Matt sneered.

“Matt, I love you,” you met his gaze head on with a glare. Attuned to how his body was tightening as he was _so close_. You clenched around him. His eyes fluttering shut as he grit his teeth and fought to keep a hold of you as he spilled  inside of you letting out a litany of mumbled curses.

He gently lowered you to stand onto your own legs, brushing a strand of hair that had slicked to your cheek. A hint of a smile tugged at his lips.

 

Round two and three followed once you had made it back to the safety of the triplet’s now deserted campsite.

               

 

 

Drunk you was not kind today. No, not at all. Drunk you had just dumped half of a beer onto one unsuspecting blonde as he pressed forward for a kiss. The anger had risen through your veins like fire and in the heat of the moment you’d simply let go. Now you were stomping off away from him, glowering at your feet. Not knowing exactly why you’d done it but knowing it was better than having let him kiss you; _again,_ despite telling him explicitly that he had to keep his affections to an out of sight out of mind penchant.

“Get in the fucking car!” Matt was seething. His teeth clenched so tightly they risked cracking. You _knew_ he could get like this but it didn’t make it any easier to swallow. He hated to lose control.

Still, this flare-up meant nothing to you. You waved him off with a sneer, curling your fist tighter around your half empty beer as you stomped off in the opposite direction. The last thing you were obligated to do was put up with their bullshit. Matt was yelling your name, slamming the jeep door so hard you would be surprised if there was no dent.

He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Piss off!” you roared back, stomping your way back between the small thicket that separated the two campgrounds. The branches clawing at your pant legs, urging you to stay. _Like hell you were,_ you’d hitchhike the two hours  home if you had to.

A hand clasped roughly around the hood of your sweatshirt, yanking you backwards. The fabric pulled taunt across your throat and you stopped in your tracks; still close enough to the cusp of sober to know you’d choke yourself if you kept going. “Matt, what the fuck!” the scream was ear splitting. The rage painting your vision red. You were seconds away from dousing him in the rest of your beer.

From the picnic table you could see both Kylo and Ben scrambling to their feet. The material at your throat slackened immediately as Matt backed up, throwing his hands up in surrender. As if he’d been caught red handed. You doubted he’d ever do you any real harm, the angry flush returning to his cheeks as he glared at you. The sop of beer having caused his curls to drool in darkened strands over his glasses.

He could be as mad as he wanted, _you_ were going elsewhere to clear your head. With a turn of your heel you were hissing curses, heading directly for the cooler mounted on the hitch of Poe’s F150. Pausing with your hand submerged in the mix of cooler sludge (ice, water, and copious amounts of spilt alcohol) you downed your beer, tossing it into the empties bag before grabbing two more; popping the tab of one and shoving the other in the front pocket of your hoodie. The beverage was seeping cold against your stomach while the long chugs you were taking of the one in hand was warming your insides. Slamming shut the cooler you stalked off towards the bordering brush.

Two more days until you were home. _Why the fuck_ hadn’t you driven yourself instead of riding with Phasma. As soon as you sobered up you could be driving home, leaving all of this behind you. Hell, if you were so inclined you could pack your bags and drive all the way across country all over again. Just you and the road for hours on end. Instead of the bickering, the yelling, the heart break that just kept repeating like a broken record.

Your name was being called; yelled, with a voice of steel.

“Fuck off!” was your curt reply.

The dollop of ginger that met your eye had you sneering all over again. He watched you pass by with a self-satisfied smirk. Puffing on his cigarette as he leaned against the trunk of an oak tree. You’d done so well in ignoring him, even with the snide remarks always on the tip of his tongue. You’d seen the perfectly circular burn mark on Kylo’s wrist – you knew how Hux preferred to play. “Trouble in paradise?” he drawled after you making your fingers twitch.

You stopped in your tracks. It was an awful idea to pick a fight with him, verbal or otherwise. It had been a god send that you’d avoided it for this long. Now he was toying with your perfectly wretched mood.  The gravity of his past threat no longer meaning anything to you.

A staccato of laughter left your lips, downing the rest of your beer before tossing the bottle to the side. He watched you cautiously as if you were about to pounce. Keeping his ground in that obnoxiously ridged posture that never seemed to relax. In another life you might have found the superiority radiating off of him as attractive.  You took a step closer, invading his personal space. Forced to crane your neck upwards to meet his eye. The puff of smoke he’d just drug through his lungs exhaling through his nose to fan over your face.

One of the three triplets was still barking your name. By the hardening expression on Hux’s face it was Kylo. Snaps of branches and leaves were trailing after you in a set of three. You needed distance from them and fast.

“Have one to spare?” you gestured towards the pack raised in his back pocket.

Without missing a beat he was placing a cigarette between your parted lips and lighting the end. Watching with mild amusement as you took a hearty drag and held it between your index and middle finger, tapping off the remnants of ash on the end. You never smoked, you hated it, but the warm bubble of nicotine was an enticing mix to quell your rage. “Thanks,” your lips pursed as you took a second drag.

The triplets were now at your side. A hand was reaching for the cigarette perched between your lips. You drew back but the hand was held in place. “I think she’s old enough to make her own decisions,” Hux cocked an eyebrow, holding Kylo’s prone wrist between his slender fingers, exposing the cigarette burn only days old.

You gave him a once over, appraising his control. The fury was only half dormant in his irises.

Kylo was wrenching his wrist back. Jaw locked in frustration. “Don’t encourage her,” he warned with a clip. So they weren’t getting along as well as Hux was letting on. He turned his gaze back to you, “go to the jeep, we’re all going to have a _chat_.”

First instinct was refusal, your mouth opening to say as much. Hux cut off your retort with a laugh. “Don’t you dare, Solo,” Hux leered, putting out the butt of his cigarette on the sole of his shoe.

Kylo’s eyes seemed to darken. “We’re not doing this right now,” he stated blankly. They must have had this fight a thousand times. His gaze flickered over his two brothers, giving a single nod.

Ben’s fingers curled around your wrist in a vice. “Come on,” he offered with a sigh, steering you back towards their own campground.

You dug your heels into the dirt, eyes wide. Pleading silently towards Hux; _this doesn’t null our deal, I have no choice._ “No, Ben, _please_ ,” you whined tugging against him. Keeping both Hux and Kylo in your view for as long as possible. This was bad. You couldn’t say anything, no sort of warning to let them know just how bad this would turn Hux against you. What if he was calling administration right now? No, it would seem too suspicious. You’d make sure of it later even if you had to slice a hole in his tent.

 “Give me that,” Ben snapped once the two were out of sight, snatching the butt of the cigarette from between your lips and crushing it with his foot. You exhaled slowly, making a scene of your last remnants of nicotine.

Matt was trailing slightly back behind you just out of your peripheral vision. Guilt was settling deep between the seams. You bit at your lip, the flakes of dry skin catching between your teeth.

Marched right up to the jeep, Ben held his hand out expectantly, for what you weren’t sure. You frowned at the offered hand. “Oh for fuck sakes, woman,” he slipped his hand in the front pocket of your hoodie.

“Hey!” you scrambled after his grip before he was chucking the full beverage over his shoulder towards the tent. With a pout you slumped against the jeep door, would have crossed your arms across your chest too if Ben wasn’t still pinching off feeling in your wrist. “That’s so not cool, Benny,” each word pronounced with a slur.

He shrugged, drawing you away from the door to open it for you. “After you,” the patience he had for you was admirable at this point. You were pointedly digging the toe of your shoe into the dirt. Stalling; not that it mattered, between the three of them you would be getting into the vehicle whether you wanted to or not. But just maybe if you were lucky Phasma would come back from their liquor run in time to save you from this mess.

 Another minute of shuffling your feet was all he afforded you. Hooking one arm behind your shoulders and another behind your knees he hoisted you up into the back seat. He shut the door firmly behind him. Taking the liberty to fasten your seat belt for you like one might for a belligerent child.

Your fingers were fumbling with the clasp moments after he had fastened  the belt across your chest. The release button too difficult for your drunken mind to comprehend. Ben caught both of your hands between his palms, cupping them as he rest them against his thigh. You watched him do this with a scowl. The next words out of your mouth came after repeating them in your head several times and still they were garbled with a loose tongue, “Benny – I wanna lay down, can we?” You bit your lip shyly, looking up at him from beneath your lashes. “We can go to my tent and _cuddle_ ,” spoken with a hint of sultry that bequeathed all innocence of the statement. You’d make a bolt for the woods the moment he’d lead you out of the jeep.

He seemed to be hiding the smile fighting to peak through his stern scowl. “Maybe later sweetheart,” he rubbed the top of your knuckles with his thumb, staring out the windshield distractedly.

The seatbelt locked as you leaned onto him, whining at the restriction. “Don’t you want me?” your hands tugged from between his, ghosting along the inside curve of his thigh. He swallowed thickly.

Gentle as he could manage he pushed your hands back into your own lap. Pursing his lips as he kept a hand rested on your knee. Finally he let his gaze fall back to you. “I’m not going to take advantage of you,” he spoke firmly, batting away your wandering hands for a second time before clasping both your wrists together in a single palm.

Just outside the jeep Kylo had reappeared. Matt was speaking with him heatedly, throwing his arms up into the air in dramatics. The muffle of their voices indistinguishable. The lines drawn on the youngest triplets face spoke volumes of his frustration.

They both turned towards the jeep and you were struggling to retrieve your wrists.

The moment Kylo had swung open the driver side door, Ben was holding you in a white knuckle grip. “Turn on the child lock, she’s going to try to bolt,” he grunted leaning over you to slam down the lock for good measure. The door gave a second mechanical click seconds after the engine roared to life. Locked in until either Matt or Kylo opened the door for you, it was beginning to look bleak. Matt took the passenger’s seat, slumping back after his seatbelt was fastened and gazing out the windshield.

Once your wrists were free you jostled the handle uselessly, glaring at Kylo from the rearview mirror. With a huff you slumped back in your seat, crossing your arms stubbornly across your chest. This was ridiculous, they couldn’t keep you in here forever.

The jeep rattled as Kylo pulled out onto the gravel road leading out of the campground. Passing Phasma’s chrome range rover on the way out of the gates. You searched your pockets desperately; you needed to tell her where you were. She’d come get you. All your pockets came up empty, you’d left your phone somewhere again. Not that it would help; getting  cell service in the mountains was a game at best.

Matt’s hand dug into his pocket as a shrill ring, the very same shrill ring of your own phone, chimed for an incoming call. “Hello? Yeah, she’s with us,” he muttered pressing a hand to his temple. “No, that’s not a good idea. Phas, we’ll take care of her. No – we’ll be fine…. Yeah. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” The volume was set too low for you to make out anything Phasma was saying on the other line.

“Put it on speaker,” Kylo grunted, pulling out onto the highway.

Matt hit speaker; the shrill grind of too many voices chirping in the background causing the sound to cut in and out. “Where are you guys? I’ll make my way out as soon as we finish dropping shit off,” Phasma got straight to the point.

“Not far, we’ll be back in a couple hours, just don’t drink everything on us,” Kylo cut in over top of Matt’s rejection to the idea. Phasma would know the no nonsense tone well enough.

“I want to talk to her,” Phasma interjected.

You reached out for the phone expectantly, not wanting to speak while the other three could hear her reply. Kylo shook his head at Matt and you let out a frustrated growl. “They have me locked in the backseat of the fucking jeep!” you hissed out, somehow managing to sound some sort of sober.

“Matt and her got in a fight, we’re going to resolve this once and for all,” Kylo bit in ignoring the sharp kick you gave to the back of his seat.

You continued to hold your hand out, “Matt give me my fucking phone!”

Phasma sighed deeply. The voices in the background dimmed to a hum. “How much has she had to drink?” she asked.

“Enough to make her volatile,” Ben muttered in a thought that wasn’t meant to have been spoken out loud. You could picture her nodding in response.

“And Hux?” she added.

Kylo was gritting his teeth. “That’s not up for discussion,” he growled. That must not have ended well. You thought he appeared tense but figured it was having to corral you all into the same vehicle in the first place. No feelings of elation sparked in your chest at the thought, the burden of guilt adding mass. This would reflect back on you, the backlash would strike you first before it hit Kylo. Hopefully he could be reasoned with.

“Okay, just make it back in-“ there was a beep as the line disconnected. Out of satellite range.

The jeep fell into a heavy silence. Phasma wasn’t going to come to your rescue and the more time you put into retaliating the longer it would be before you headed back to camp. You’d woken knowing exactly what day it was, a day too early for this bullshit. Unsure if it was making the anxiety better or worse.

Lifting your hood over your head you curled up the best you could in your seat. Head leaned against the window pane, glaring out towards the snow covered tops of the mountains. Focused on the patters of trees dotting the skyline where mountain and sky met in union; easier to lose yourself in the majesty of the wilds than to the conversation that would be forced out of you. They’d wait until you were some sort of sober and that meant a decent drive. There might be a place in mind but you were beginning to doubt the importance. Any rest stop would do for the screaming match between the four of you.

Except…

Not one of them looked like they were in the mood for this. In fact they were rather dispirited. Maybe they’d been dreading this as much as you were. Though you doubted it. They’d had yet to say a word.

A lump was growing in your throat, the kind that signified how close to tears you already were. This wasn’t fair. No matter of mistakes should have landed you here.

“Kylo please go back,” you reached forward to curl your fingers into the material over his shoulder, hiding your face in the back of the seat. Your face felt too hot, the tears burning in the corners of your eyes.

“Ben,” Kylo grunted and your fingers uncurled from his sleeve before Ben had a chance to do it for you. Forcing yourself to lean back into the window before one of them had the chance to get a proper look at you.

Ben placed a hand on your thigh, gently massaging it with no other intent than to comfort. You covered your eyes with your hand, shadowing the tears that were slipping free of your control.

_Don’t be an idiot_

Your fingers curled around his, keeping his palm on the top of your thigh so you had him sandwiched between yourself. The self-control was tipping. Hux wasn’t here, you could have this. He was already going to punish you for taking Kylo away from him. This was nothing in comparison. Just an emotional Band-Aid to briefly hold everything together until the strain had it popping off again. Temporary fix.

_But you didn’t want this to be temporary_

Ben shuffled closer, his knee knocking against yours. “Baby are you crying?” he sighed leaving a kiss in your hair as your shoulders began to shake. Yes, you were sobbing quietly in the backseat with Ben hovering over you whispering sweet nothings to try to calm you down. He was making it worse. _Why did alcohol always turn you into a blubbering fool?_

“Matt I’m sorry,” your voice broke pathetically making you cringe. Bringing attention to your faltering control with the hoarse sobs you could no longer keep down. Ben guided you into him, wrapping both arms around you. Not seeming to care that you were staining his shoulder with snot.

Matt continued to stare out the passenger side window. His jaw grinding back and forth.

“Ky,” you croaked finding his eyes on you in the rearview mirror. “Please, we have to go back, I can’t-“ you swallowed the rest of your sentence with the glare he was now giving you.

Kylo drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. Jostling a hand through his tangled curls with one hand on the wheel.  Frustration flitting off of him in waves. “What did he threaten you with?” he glanced back up to the mirror before settling his eyes back on the road.

A spike a fear struck between your ribs. Your mouth falling open as you gaped at the back of his head.  Denial or lie? It would do you no good. “I can’t,” you bit at your trembling bottom lip. Quickly tucking your chin back into Ben’s shoulder to avoid the eldest triplets gaze in the rearview. You’d already said too much.

This was bad. If any of them were to confront Hux about this it could mean losing everything. You knew what they were like. One of them would let it slip, unable to keep their mouths shut. The best you could hope for was steering the conversation in another direction until they let it go. Not that that would happen. Not when Kylo had already caught on. You didn’t owe him an explanation, this wasn’t any of their business. It was between you and Hux; they’d never see it that way.

You wanted out of the vehicle. You wanted to run until your legs gave out. Anything but being made to sit here under scrutiny of the brothers.  Would they blame you for your choices? Could they possibly even hope to understand? It wasn’t like you’d wanted it to come to this, to have to make a decision that could make or break your future. Hux had given you absolutely no choice and there would be no changing his mind. You couldn’t have anything with them.

Maybe you should have told someone before this escalated into a full thrown shit show. It wasn’t normal to feel something like this for three brothers, was it? You could have welcomed therapy of some degree instead of, well, _this_.

From the front seat came the ding of a text notification. Matt shuffled in his pocket before retrieving the phone (of course it was yours none of them would have a fucking cat shaped phone case) and scanning over the brief summary of the message. He visibly blanched. “Pull over,” Matt glanced up at Kylo, his brow furrowing as he shakily pushed your phone back into his front pants pocket, clenching his hands into fists in his lap.

Kylo hesitated, giving his brother a sidelong glance before pulling out onto the next turn off. The paved road tapered off to a snow covered dirt road surrounded by towering pines on either side. He crept to a stop, idling for a moment on the shoulder before switching the ignition off. “Matt-“ the eldest reached out a hand to hold his youngest brother’s shoulder before the gesture was shoved off and Matt was unbuckling his seat belt and slamming the jeep door behind him. Kylo was following suite, pushing his keys into his pocket and hurrying after him. Leaving you and Ben alone in the back seat to watch Kylo hurrying after the blonde.

The two of you swiveled in your seats to watch out the back window. Matt was a yard away from the jeep, you could hear the faint sound of him yelling back at his brother in the silence. Kylo was standing rigidly a few feet away from the jeep, seeming to struggle in his decision to either stay with the jeep or to join his brother’s side.

You were tugging out of Ben’s hold, already clambering over the center console before he was grasping at your shoulder to keep you from bolting out the driver side door. “Oh, no you don’t,” he muttered giving you a light yank back towards the backseat. Your ass collided with the side of the console, your ankle locked between Ben’s knees. “Get back here, right now,” he demanded as you were wriggling in his hold, the only way you were retrieving your foot was if you were to sacrifice your boot at this point.

Wrapping your hand firmly around the driver side headrest you used it to pull yourself away, the material of Phasma’s jacket stretching at the seams. Ben was growling your name as your foot popped out of your boot and you all but threw yourself out of the driver side door. Landing yourself face first into the snow; now less Phasma’s leather jacket and one boot. “KYL-“ Ben’s yell got cut off as you kicked closed the door, fighting to scramble to your feet.

The slush like snow caked around the tires was immediately soaking into your sock. Not that you had much time to worry about that. Ben was already clambering into the front seat. You picked yourself up off the ground and started your awkward hobble off down the road, surprised you could move so fast on the uneven surface.

From behind you the jeep door had opened and Ben was scrambling after you. There was no way you could out run him, even if you’d had your boot -which he was holding as if he’d chuck it at you like a god damn football.

Kylo had just turned around, headed back to the jeep having given up on Matt as you sprinted past him. “Ben, what the fuck!” he snarled, nearly catching you by the middle. But Ben was gaining on you, your 5 meter advantage had now dwindled down to 2. Matt was a handful of feet away.

Matt’s legs buckled beneath him as you launched yourself  onto him, driving him face first into the snow. Using your knee you pressed it into his ass to keep him down. Determinedly reaching around his front to struggle your phone from his pocket. As you’d typed in the passcode he threw you to the side, successfully bucking you off of his back. His glasses were coated in snow, expression somewhere between angry and bewildered.

The screen was still open to messages. You read it in the span of two heartbeats, your hands beginning to shake. Glancing up frantically towards Matt, meeting his frown with a glare of your own. “You can’t just-“ you bit at your tongue, watching the triplet climb to his feet. “ _You’ve ruined everything_.”

He brushed the snow off of the front of his jacket, sparring you not a second glance before beginning on his way back down the road in the direction he was first headed.

“What, you’re just going to run away?” you yelled after him. Ben was at your side, hoisting you off of the ground by your elbow. Dusting the snow off of you pointedly. “ **MATT!** ”

“That’s enough,” Ben cupped your jaw, forcing you to face him, his brow creased in frustration. “Stop acting like a child or I’m going treat you like one.”

Wrenching out of Ben’s touch you gave him a shove, forcing him a step back. “You don’t get to do this!” the mood swings today were going to give them all whiplash. _Just say it_. “Stop touching me, stop trying to make it seem like it’s okay. It’s not okay! I don’t know what the fuck you three expected, that we could be grownups and have a civil conversation? When you’re all pulling the strings in the background expecting me not to take notice. I’m sick of it! I don’t want to talk, I don’t want any of this anymore!”

Ben was at a loss for words. His hands curling into fists at his sides.

“You’re full of shit,” that came from Kylo who was placing a hand on your shoulder and squeezing harder than what was comfortable. Though you gave your shoulders a rough shake he simply moved his hand to the nape of your neck, swiveling you to face him. “Fuck you, Kylo,” you hissed through your teeth sneering back up at him.

He raised both eyebrows, keeping the pressure on the back of your neck firm. “Give me the phone, princess, you know I’m not going to ask you twice,” he held out his free hand expectantly.

At this point your foot was starting to go numb and you shifted onto your other side trying to alleviate it. It wasn’t like you could withhold it from him. He was stronger, faster. It should mean nothing – Matt had already destroyed everything but you kept the phone clutched tightly in your fist. As if just maybe keeping it within your grasp could salvage your latest fuck up.

“Knock it off, can’t you see she’s freaked out?” Ben scolded catching the quiver of your lower lip. Gently he pried Kylo’s hand off of you and squatted to  catch your ankle before carefully peeling off your sodden sock and rubbing the skin back to life. Replacing your boot he shoved the sock into his pocket making you grimace back at him; he didn’t seem to care. “Come back to the car, you’re shivering, we’ll find somewhere to settle down and you can scream at us to your hearts content. Just – this last thing, if it’s the very last thing you can do for me, please, this is all I’ll ask of you.” The sincerity in his words was heart breaking.  

“ _Ben_ ,” you bit hard into your lower lip to keep it from trembling.

Kylo, however, was having none of this. With a snort he was stepping between the two of you and none too gently throwing you over his shoulder. You gripped to back of his jacket, spitting out curses as he began trudging back towards the jeep. “Get Matt,” he barked back to Ben.

“You’re not fooling anyone you know,” Kylo muttered digging his free hand into his pocket for his keys. He flung open the back door, dropping you into the seat and loomed over you, boxing you in between his arms. The brown of his eyes deepening, a tempest in their wake. “I know _you_ , just like I know _him_.” He clasped tight to your wrist, squeezing until your phone dropped from your hand, plopping the device into his back pocket without taking his eyes off of you. “You need to stop pretending; it’s not going to save any of us.”

“Maybe I thought it would,” you spat back automatically, refusing to shrink under his scrutiny. “If you know him so well then you know what you need to do. I’ve already made my decision; why can’t you respect that?”

The backdoor behind you was opening, one of the brothers climbing in and buckling themselves in. You wouldn’t spare a glance back, keeping all your attention on Kylo. He ran his thumb over the crest of your cheek before digging his fingers into the back of your hair, keeping your face level with his. “Because I refuse to allow you to let someone like Hux rob you of something you could have just asked for,” he leant closer, his breath fanning over your lips.

“Don’t taunt me.”

His lips curled up at the edges, his lips so close you could feel the ghost of them on your own. “Then ask for it,” the words sent a shiver up your spine.

“Ky, don’t.”

He pulled back, his fingers slipping out of your hair. The loss of touch had you leaning forward, chasing after it.

Ben was pushing past his brother, carefully pushing you into the jeep so that he could take the seat next to you. The look you offered him was withering but you moved to the middle seat and allowed him to close the door. Matt was on your other side, pointedly angling his body away from you and resting his fingers across his temple. Smatters of snow had begun to melt on his glasses, the heat of the jeep causing them to fog.

You slumped in your seat, crossing your arms tightly across your chest. Watching as Kylo shuffled your phone out of his pocket, unlocked it, and skimmed over the waiting text. He frowned, jaw locking as his teeth ground together before handing the phone back behind him for Ben. Proceeding then to pull back onto the road and pull a U-turn; headed back in whichever direction he had intended to be in the first place.

It was pointless to try to snatch your phone back from Ben. The little white bars in the upper right hand corner were a flat line. No cell service for the next while. Ben shared a similar expression with his brother, thumb hovering over the reply as if he could magically erase it from existence so that it would not be received. He spared a glance over to Matt, mouth opening and closing before he was pursing his lips.

“Here, kid,” he passed the phone back to you, throwing his arm over your shoulders and pinching the leather of Phasma’s jacket between his thumb and forefinger. You held it in your palms loosely, staring out through the windshield at the large flakes that were melting on the pane.

Words were trying to form around your tongue. A protest to Ben’s attentions, an apology to Matt, a rejection to Kylo; nothing was said. For once in your life you kept your mouth shut. Leaning further into Ben’s side and closing your eyes. Your hand reaching out and resting on Matt’s thigh, giving a light squeeze; a silent apology, which was the best you could do right now.

 

The final text read:

 **Hux** – _I gave you ample warning. A deal is a deal and you’ve crossed me for the last time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm an asshole with a penchant for cliff-hanger-esk chapter endings. Sorry, not sorry. 
> 
> I forgot entirely how to write smut. Like, this whole thing was done less than a month in...except the sad excuse of a sex scene. So yeah, fling me into the sun. Also I have no beta writer (I edit by myself and second guess my life away). Also I work 10 hour days (I cry) and I write more fanfics than my posted that will never see the light of day (I cry harder)
> 
> I made a new tumblr [here](http://www.tumblr.com/blog/droneshard). I'm awkward as all hell but feel free to shoot me a message!
> 
> I love you all so much! Thank you for being patient with me! I've tacked on an entire different ending (more feels and less anger) that I hope you all will enjoy! Only a couple more chapters until this fic is laid to rest along with my soul. I'm still planning a sequel of some kind but it won't be anywhere near the Goliath this thing is.
> 
> EDIT: Thank you all for being so supportive especially as it has been so long since I've updated. I promise this fic has in no way been forgotten and I am still working on it. Writing confidence has reached an all time low and I want to present you all with the best of my ability. Thank you for your patience <3 (07/28/2017)
> 
> EDIT (Again): Hey guys it's almost been a year and you all are incredibly patient and way too freaking kind to me - I do plan to finish this. I apologize it has taken so long and I do not currently have a time that a new update will be released as my mental health has reached critical. I will do my best to get this updated as fast as I can but please understand that I must put my well being above anything else at this time. Thank you all <3 (02/26/2018)

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up being wayyyy longer than I intended. Future chapters will most likely be shorter unless there's smut. And there will be smut, plenty.  
> This was my first time writing an AU so I hope you enjoyed it! I couldn't resist writing something with the boys.


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